Adult son and controlling girlfriend - what is there to do? (wife, loving)
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He's also hardly an adult, either. What's he going to do if he and this girl break up? He's living with her and her family right now, where would he go then? And unfortunately, the OP won't do what my parents would have done to me if I had chosen to burn my bridges with them (I turn 44 tomorrow and have an excellent relationship with my parents) - "you're 18 now, you can find another place to live."
Our son never contacted us after he moved with his manipulative Girl Friend.
I blame the American law system for this crisis. 18 years is just words written on papers but nothing is close to realities of life’s lessons and relationships. Only rarely with few exceptions a child 18 years of age will be mature enough to understand and have the wisdom to appreciate and acknowledge a parents sacrifice and contributions to that child of what he/she is and what he/she could become with continuous help and support from their parents. This as a parent of two teenagers we are learning it the hard way, our both children now fully grown adults one 24 and one 22 lacks complete empathy and love for us. We raised them with good discipline and strict moral values but never was abusive or neglect.
One of them our son 22 years now has left the house when he was 19 with his overly controlled and manipulative girlfriend and has never contacted us till this day. Our daughter lives with us but she too cares less about us , she spend most of her times with her job and his boyfriend who she avoids to have any contact with us. Sometimes we are at her mercy when she threatens to leave the house and afraid that we might not see her again like our son. We have been dealing with this grief ever since when they both turned 18. We still love them and we hope that one day they will both come to their senses. We take one day at a time and hope for their safety and well being all the time. Our only regret is that they are wasting times and doing nothing Productive or meaningful for their future.
I blame the American law system for this crisis. 18 years is just words written on papers but nothing is close to realities of life’s lessons and relationships. Only rarely with few exceptions a child 18 years of age will be mature enough to understand and have the wisdom to appreciate and acknowledge a parents sacrifice and contributions to that child of what he/she is and what he/she could become with continuous help and support from their parents. This as a parent of two teenagers we are learning it the hard way, our both children now fully grown adults one 24 and one 22 lacks complete empathy and love for us. We raised them with good discipline and strict moral values but never was abusive or neglect.
One of them our son 22 years now has left the house when he was 19 with his overly controlled and manipulative girlfriend and has never contacted us till this day. Our daughter lives with us but she too cares less about us , she spend most of her times with her job and his boyfriend who she avoids to have any contact with us. Sometimes we are at her mercy when she threatens to leave the house and afraid that we might not see her again like our son. We have been dealing with this grief ever since when they both turned 18. We still love them and we hope that one day they will both come to their senses. We take one day at a time and hope for their safety and well being all the time. Our only regret is that they are wasting times and doing nothing Productive or meaningful for their future.
To be honest, the bolded phrases you wrote make it appear that you and your children have very different expectations. You sound demanding, jealous, and expect your children to fulfill specific roles you have laid out for them. That is not what parenting is. If your son never contacts you there is probably a reason other than this girlfriend that you obviously don't approve of. You may have smothered him with your disapproval. If your daughter has to resort to threats just to leave your home there's a problem here as well. She may follow the same pattern your son did. Your children should be allowed to leave and live their own lives and make their own mistakes. You should let them. If you are resenting their independence, have unrealistic expectations of them once they are adults, and make too many demands you will drive them even farther away.
None of this has anything to do with American law, and everything to do with family culture and dynamics.
BTW, this isn't the most appropriate forum for this post anyway.
Last edited by Parnassia; 06-29-2019 at 04:04 PM..
I think you are being short sighted, without knowing many details of ones personal experiences you cannot judge on someone’s parenting skills.
And why do you think this is not the right forum ? Are you a moderator? If you are compelled to comment to my post.....isn’t that a good enough reason ?..
Please interact with response back and forth on a thread like this ........gain some knowledge about more details, before you start perceiving or assuming and passing your misguided opinions.
Thank You.
I think you are being short sighted, without knowing many details of ones personal experiences you cannot judge on someone’s parenting skills.
And why do you think this is not the right forum ? Are you a moderator? If you are compelled to comment to my post.....isn’t that a good enough reason ?..
Please interact with response back and forth on a thread like this ........gain some knowledge about more details, before you start perceiving or assuming and passing your misguided opinions.
Thank You.
S/He thinks, correctly, that this is not the appropriate forum because this forum is about romantic relationships and not about adult children/parent relationships.
This is a sad thread. There seem to be many people estranged from their parents or children. It also seems that a controlling girlfriend is the least of the OPs worries. Adult children do not write off their parents for no reason and rarely just for a girlfriend or boyfriend. Years of bad feelings must be present and we reading this have no way to know who is to blame for them. Of course interfering in your child’s love life is a quick way to arouse their anger. We all learn about love the same way...usually the hard way. As parents we can give advice but going further than that is a dangerous game. If you have raised up your young with good values, a bit of street smarts and common sense then they will figure out the dating world on their own. If however you have not done this then your child may have more difficulties. It is also a bit late to start teaching values and common sense when they are 15,17 or 20. By then it is too late.
After reading all this about estrangement and broken families I would say this. Today is Sunday, a good day to call your parents and check in on them if they are still with this world. Being estranged from your parents or children really is a terrible thing.
OP: Unfortunately, your son is an adult. He may or may not be able to make it on his own, but he will certainly have it placed in his lap sooner or later.
I have had a bit of a similar situation, and I had to tell myself that he was/is old enough to make his own life-choices. If that meant not having me in his life, that would be HIS decision.
I think you are being short sighted, without knowing many details of ones personal experiences you cannot judge on someone’s parenting skills.
And why do you think this is not the right forum ? Are you a moderator? If you are compelled to comment to my post.....isn’t that a good enough reason ?..
Please interact with response back and forth on a thread like this ........gain some knowledge about more details, before you start perceiving or assuming and passing your misguided opinions.
Thank You.
Do you have romantic relationships with either of your children? If no, then this is not the correct forum.
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Our son never contacted us after he moved with his manipulative Girl Friend.
