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WAIT!!! I am in the same boat My son and I had a very open and loving relationship until he met his girlfriend she does not like that I speak my mind, and I don't like that she has been able to manipulate him..She is now the "gate keeper" and if I want to talk to him it is through her...I have been a very good girl and done so ...Now she is pregnant with my grandchild..still no communication, and no I haven't pushed it, and she is telling my other daughter inlaws how she can't IMAGINE they could possibly like me...I have no words of wisdom just understanding and hopefully when my son gets a bit older with a bit of matuirty under his belt he will realize my door is always open and I am a soft place to land
I'm so sorry, I'm in the same boat. I saw how my son was pulling away from us for his girlfriend and I thought we were so close. He wouldn't even let my daughter (his sister) give him hugs she was only 9 at the time. Yes these girlfriends can be so manipulative and possessive and have no respect for how they hurt our families. I do the same thing, I just have to wait. It's heartbreaking to say the least.
Well said! Being strict isn't being abusive. It's a scary world out there and as a nurse I directly see the results of that including 20 year olds dying from alcoholic Cirrhosis or drug abuse. Many times I hear the parents didn't really care what their kids were doing. What I have learned though is that I would believe my son when he told me something and then when it was too late I found out 99% of what he told me during his high school years were lies and he had a serious pot problem and a manipulative girlfriend. I thought I was strict but apparently not enough. I was somewhat stricter with my oldest son and I have more respect from him. The bottom line is we love our children and shouldn't be treated this way. Good post.
I've read a lot of posts on this forum, and after some thought I decided to post my problem.
My son has been with the same girl for six years (he's in his 20s). When they were first together, I thought she was great. She's quite smart, seems friendly enough, and is about to start her Master's degree.
The problem is, after they'd been together for about a year, she and her mother became insanely possessive of my son. For example, when they were still 17, they'd be at my house, and her mother would come and pick them up and take them to their house without letting me know. Their excuse would be that they just felt like going over there, but honestly, I felt that something fishy was going on there. I felt like they were sneaking around behind my back. This would happen ALL THE TIME. Why should they want to be over at her house all time and never at my son's home??
The girlfriend also got increasingly rude toward me. She didn't want me to have any time alone with my son. She was ALWAYS over. She would show up when I told her that my son was doing homework and couldn't leave, and she'd meet him outside and they'd go for a "walk" (gone for hours and hours).
Then, suddenly, on his 18th birthday, he COMPLETELY cut contact with me and my husband. Since then (five years ago), the only contact he has had with us is to demand that we give him money from an inheritance account that my mother left him for college. Yes, this is his money, but this is literally the only contact he has had with us. He lives right now with his girlfriend and her parents. We have shown up at their house several times and demanded to have contact with our son because we are just so worried about him. The girlfriend or her parents will answer the door and tell us that he isn't home, which we know is a lie.
Also, the girlfriend is convinced that we abused our son. She has called us child abusers several times. I don't know what lies my son told them, but we were very strict parents who always deeply loved our wonderful son. His wicked girlfriend's words hurt us so much because we care about our son so much. How dare she accuse us of anything.
We are just terrified of what will happen to our son. He is so deeply entrenched in this relationship. He believes everything they say and has abandoned the foundation of morals and ethics that we always made sure to enforce. I just don't know what to do.
Sorry this is so long and rambling, I'm just really upset. I don't know if I'm asking for advice or just venting.
My son dated someone like that for a couple of years. She was a total mindf*cker. She was rude and disrespectful to my wife. She was totally controlling of our son, too, essentially telling him to sever any relationship he had with girls that were his friends. And his relationship with us become hostile almost overnight.
They go off to school together and--get this--she told him that he didn't need to go to class. His grades cratered and he flunked out. And the minute he flunked out, she dumped him after disclosing that she had been sleeping around on him for months.
Yeah, a really nice girl. As it turns out, nobody liked Anna. She had no friends who were women. She was a cold, manipulative and possessive youknowwhat and she did a serious number on my son. My daughter, with whom my son shared an apartment at school, watched all this go down. She tried to tell my son what a toxic screwball this girl was, but he just wouldn't listen. He moved home and started pulling his act together. He started going back to school, got a decent job, and has returned to normalcy. He has a girlfriend now that we all like. She's funny, kind, and supportive of him.
Over time, he opened up and volunteered about what happened. He basically said that Anna started trashing my wife and me almost the minute they started dating, despite never having much of a conversation with us.
For the record, we were nothing but kind to her. But, from the beginning, she would slight us in ways large and small. Even when she first started dating my son, she would simply walk in the front door and head straight to the basement without saying a word to us. If she deigned to talk to us, it was in one-word sentences. Mind you, my wife and I are polite, educated, and successful people who are socially adept. And we were not controlling parents--unless you count telling your high schooler to not drink and be home by midnight on weekends. But this girl was almost determined to drive a wedge between us and our son from the getgo.
And because she was beautiful, had big blue eyes, and banged him constantly, he completely bought into it. Because he was, duh, eighteen and getting laid. Eighteen-year-olds will put up with just about anything if they're getting it on a constant basis.
What's the point behind my story? Be patient but have a backbone. Never say a word in anger. Oh, and indulge in a little self-examination to see how you contributed to this situation in the first place.
Gotta say it, I don't understand your timeline. He cut off contact with you when he turned 18, but this girl is sweet, funny and chasing her masters? Wait. Was she in her mid-20s when she started dating your 18-year-old son?
What's more, what's their side of the story? The tell in your OP is the phrase, "has abandoned the foundation of morals and ethics that we always made sure to enforce." What exactly does that mean? I could potentially interpret that as some seriously autocratic moonbat stuff.
Last edited by MinivanDriver; 02-19-2020 at 09:21 AM..
Wow, that sounds so much like what happened to me and my 18 year old son. His girlfriend started out seemingly nice, I took them places bought her expensive gifts and she barely even talked to us. One time when I found out my son was lying once again about his grades getting all D's and F's when he told me otherwise I sent him a text saying that he was going to have a hard time graduating and that he'll only be working at a fast food restaurant if he keeps going like that. I was strict but not enough and I should have not been believing all his lies. Well I found a text on his phone from his girlfriend bashing me and just pushing him to view things completely different. This is when he was 17. So I told her did she want a boyfriend that isn't able to graduate high school because that is what was going to happen. She apologized and tried to reason bashing me. Well, fast forward a year he barely graduated and his attitude had gone down hill really bad wouldn't even hug his 9 year old sister anymore treated me like I was crap. I found out about a ton of lying, stealing from me lots of money and a serious pot problem so he left the house for a year and a half. The girl and her mom had been manipulating him and even though I'm sure he knew to some degree he was getting some like you said about your son and it excused him from taking responsibility for anything. He came back into our life after we reached out again to him and was going into the Marine's, same girlfriend in the pic he had been living with and her mom. He said he's matured and not doing pot or anything. Got kicked out of the Marine's for being positive for pot and over the last year has gone back to square one. Everytime we would see him things would go really well and then he wouldn't talk to us for a long time and start up drama for no reason. We know its the girlfriend and her mom. Also, he has a few very bad friends that are toxic and misery loves company. I don't have any of these issues with my oldest son whom my younger son has cut off as well, or my daughter. The pain of it all is unbelievable to the heart. He accuses me of not loving him and says horrible things about me so at this point it's a waiting game. I can lead a horse to water but I can't make them drink it you know.
since o.p. blames the girlfriend for her adult sons actions, i suspect some sort of arrested development that o.p. is unable (unwilling) to acknowledge.
since o.p. blames the girlfriend for her adult sons actions, i suspect some sort of arrested development that o.p. is unable (unwilling) to acknowledge.
Sorry to hear this.
If it is his money, why in the world would he need to demand it? And if he is contacting you to gain access to what is his, it isn't about you. So don't count it as "contact with you". Give him the money which is owed to him, no questions asked. You have no right to keep it, that is stealing.
I would stop demanding contact with him since it isn't fruitful. He's an adult. It is telling he left right when he is 18 so there is something very deep going on there. Have you apologized or cared to know about what you did which is causing this? My Gosh you'd think that would be YOUR FIRST question right, especially if you care about him so much?? It certainly would be mine! please figure out what went wrong on your end and make amends. life is short.
Edited to add: Sorry just noticed this thread is OLD
She said it was her moms inheritance money for him, which is often put into trust as they don’t want to give the money when young, and usually for stuff like education health etc, and likely she is the trustee. And why he needs to ask her.
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