So I married a man who cheated on his 1st wife....... (sex, personality)
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to the OP, no one really knows if he (or YOU) will cheat. i guess it doesn't matter because it sounds like you guys are made for each other. now if only all the other cheaters in the world would just marry each other and leave the rest of us alone with our hearts intact.
Normally I attempt to read a whole thread before commenting but this remark just irks the hell out of me because it suggests that the unhappy spouse is a manipulative deceiver.
I will bet that almost every time you hear about this, the happy spouse lacks the social skills to read their relationship, communicate and negotiate a relationship. They go through their relationships in a fog and are not capable of fully engaging because they lack information and lack the ability to process it.
The unhappy spouse adjusts for a while but then eventually they get tired of trying to relate and the relationship goes stale. The happy spouse is in a fog and happily pursuing their own needs.
When the unhappy spouse speaks up, everyone sides with the foggy headed one who is incapable of telling their friends the truth about the relationship because the foggy one is completely unaware of what is going on in the relationship.
***Rant over!***
WC
Sorry for your irritation. I've seen situations like the one you have above, and ones, where the unfaithful spouse freely admitted to being perfectly happy, but once they met the new person were EVEN happier.
If one spouse is unhappy and the other can't see it, that is a lack of insight and a good indicator of a lack of interest in the spouse or an inability to engage the spouse fairly.(edit: that is sustain an atmosphere of openness and communication)
More often than not they are BOTH guilty of avoiding conflict. But the one who announces the desire to divorce is the one who is blamed.
Maybe the one who asked for the divorce has the most courage?
WC
I agree that those who don't see that unhappiness in their partners are likely bad communicators. I'm going to ignore the cases where the unhappy one puts up a happy facade which is actually fairly common.
If the happy spouse does not see the unhappiness, that is the unhappy spouse's fault. If the unhappy spouse is sulking all the time and whining and the happy spouse is still not getting it then the unhappy one is not communicating well enough (or choosing to ignore it). I agree that words aren't the only communication, but they can be the clearest communication when used carefully. If Happy does not seem to be getting it, Unhappy needs to grab them, sit down, and have a serious, adult discussion about the issue. It's impossible for Happy to ignore and claim blissful ignorance if Unhappy ENGAGES Happy.
Blissful ignorance is one of my pet peeves. I think it's manipulation and creates drama. However, Happy can't play the blissful ignorance card if Unhappy sits him/her down to have a serious conversation and speaks with clarity. Those who can't handle a conversation like that will have a hard time maintaining such a challenging relationship.
So, in the end, I still somewhat disagree. Yes it takes courage to ask for the divorce. If couples don't have those conversations though, then asking for the divorce is the easy way out. Blissful ignorance is how Happy fights Unhappy's lack of satisfaction, but Unhappy still has options to break through that barrier.
I subscribe to the philosophy of clear and direct communication. You can't go wrong if you speak your mind tactfully. In my opinion communicative errors are usually made by the giver, not the receiver. If the receiver doesn't get it, it's the communicator's fault. If the receiver knowingly refuses to get it (or just ignore it) then there are a lot of issues there and both sides rarely try to push through it.
Good question and we have to be careful not to apply 'always' and 'never' in looking at this.
And I want to say that it makes sense to me that, "Once a cheater, always a cheater" applies to many cheaters. I don't know the percentage but my guess is a lot. I'm not talking about expert cheaters who lack guilt and integrity. But then again, I'm not necessarily speaking about cheaters but the other person who is blissfully ignorant about what is going on in the marriage. I don't accept them as more innocent than the other person.
What I am talking about is the marriage where the relationship has gone stale and one spouse (cheating or not) announces they want a divorce and the other says, "I never saw it coming".
I mean really... "Never saw it coming"? Give me a break.
There is only one way that people fail to read the signs. They have to be self-absorbed and unable to read the signs that the marriage has gone to crap or are happily taking advantage of the other person.
Self-absorbed people can appear very nice, after all, their emotional image is important. They don't hang their dirty laundry in public and very likely don't spend much time cleaning it in private - and that's the problem.
And as long as they get their way, they have marital bliss... in their minds. And since compromise is not their thing, the other spouse has little choice.
Leave early on... which is not giving the marriage a fair shake.
Make do for a while in hopes that it won't be so bad(maybe there are young kids involved).
Leave late... which again, makes the other one look bad.
I have a very hard time accepting the idea of an innocent person in a troubled marriage being blind sided. They are not innocent.
It is not an acceptable excuse on a football field, why is it acceptable in a marriage to not be aware?
There still remains a lot of 70s psychology that says that words are the only legitimate means of communication. So if a spouse doesn't actually say, "I'm unhappy" then obviously they must be happy. Facts are that people communicate in many ways, it is naive to expect all people to use only one mode - words.
And maybe I'm using the "happy spouse" term too loosely? I mean happy as in ignorance is bliss and that they are enjoying what they have carved out. They are comfortable. Maybe they got the house they wanted, the pool, the car and they think all is well without considering what the other wanted. They very likely **did** voice their desires but they probably went unheeded because the other didn't fight hard enough or use enough words or some other ridiculous excuse for ignoring another person's half of the relationship.
Despite that, I think I am forced to concede that I'm peeing into the wind on this one. I don't believe many people will side with me and so be it.
WC
You are very big on "reading the signs". I find that to be the relationship equivalent of reading the tea leaves. What happened to good old direct verbal communication?
I would never ask for a divorce, and tell my surprised spouse that they should have seen the signs and figured it out. If I would have EVER gotten a divorce, my spouse would have known EXACTLY why I was unhappy, been given a lot of time to work on it, and know well in advance when I started thinking divorce was a viable option.
There would be NO surprise.
If you love someone, or even have any decency, how could you do otherwise?
A friend of mine met her husband at work and they did cheat on their respective spouses. Eventually they both were divorced and then married each other.
Now they are divorcing. Neither of them cheated this time but the stress and constant worrying about cheating caused their relationship to deteriorate.
Is this a joke?? If the guy cheated on his wife with you, he's most likely bound to cheat on you with the newer model. No I haven't been cheated on so don't assume that. But still, I wouldntve gone through with it.
Good for you and yours however stats are against you whether you choose to accept this reality or not...You seem to be in the minority where this is concerned....
My ex husband left with his mistress...They lasted approx..5 years...this is after I threw him out for cheating on me...
Bottom line? After 5 years I had heard that he was fighting with her and they had differing views...this came from my son..And one christmas his father called me and stated that I was right and he was so sorry for all he had done to me and my son and he would getting place of his own...
I of course thought this was stemming from a fight and paid no importance to it..Next thing I know 2 weeks later my son tells me daddy moved in to a home managed by my ex mother in law.. where was his gf? In maryland taking her son to visit his father and visiting family..
One week later? My son told me when he came home after a weekend with his father " Momma Kelly came to the house and threw stuff at daddy" and daddy said "I am happy, not with you, I am with my son and I should have never been with you"
End of story? Poor Kelly did not know anything..she left with issues going on and never once thought that this could be her...The fact that she did not cognitively think that is a man that was married for 10 years and had an affair with her and his wife kicked him out could mean she could be the next tragedy?
Many times I felt lkike warning her but the way I felt? Was that she knew he was married and she took him as is and she deserved everything she got...thats called karma love..
Did my ex leave alone? No! He left already talking to another woman from his work..how do I know? My son told me.." Mom, dad spends time with me but he is always talking to his friend "jenny" Long stpory short he has been with jenny for 3 years lol..and I am waiting for jennys turn...I already saw signs this xmas when he called me and all but begged me to attend a xmas show because she knew and made appts. anyways...he has told me since then that he misses me and still loves me...does this mean I am going to go back to him? LOL...mama did not raise a fool all I am predicting is a new girl for daddy...
True Story: He screwed around on this woman and later married another and two months after the wedding he came home and found his wife in bed with another man....some people don't like the word, but I call that Karma.
Karma, or "the more things change, the more they stay the same." or "whoops, I didn't think this one through." Reaping what you sow...
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