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Yeah, people make mistakes, me included. You cheat and keep at it and it aint a mistake anymore. You're doing wrong and you know it. Break up, get the divorce, end it, whatever. Otherwise you are pretty much a craptacular piece of work and saying you're happy after the fact just dims my view further.
I agree that those who don't see that unhappiness in their partners are likely bad communicators. I'm going to ignore the cases where the unhappy one puts up a happy facade which is actually fairly common.
If the happy spouse does not see the unhappiness, that is the unhappy spouse's fault. If the unhappy spouse is sulking all the time and whining and the happy spouse is still not getting it then the unhappy one is not communicating well enough (or choosing to ignore it). I agree that words aren't the only communication, but they can be the clearest communication when used carefully. If Happy does not seem to be getting it, Unhappy needs to grab them, sit down, and have a serious, adult discussion about the issue. It's impossible for Happy to ignore and claim blissful ignorance if Unhappy ENGAGES Happy.
Blissful ignorance is one of my pet peeves. I think it's manipulation and creates drama. However, Happy can't play the blissful ignorance card if Unhappy sits him/her down to have a serious conversation and speaks with clarity. Those who can't handle a conversation like that will have a hard time maintaining such a challenging relationship.
So, in the end, I still somewhat disagree. Yes it takes courage to ask for the divorce. If couples don't have those conversations though, then asking for the divorce is the easy way out. Blissful ignorance is how Happy fights Unhappy's lack of satisfaction, but Unhappy still has options to break through that barrier.
I subscribe to the philosophy of clear and direct communication. You can't go wrong if you speak your mind tactfully. In my opinion communicative errors are usually made by the giver, not the receiver. If the receiver doesn't get it, it's the communicator's fault. If the receiver knowingly refuses to get it (or just ignore it) then there are a lot of issues there and both sides rarely try to push through it.
You may have hit on one of my biases but it is not a prime means of communication. I'd like to think that I can put my thoughts into words at a socially competent level.
My first real point was all the sympathy that the blindsided person gets when they say, "I never saw it coming". I'm not that sympathetic. I think there is clearly another side that most people ignore. I'm done on that point.
To both you and Garfunkle524
You and others are right that direct and clear communication is wise.
I have no beefs with your advocacy of straight talk.
Once a cheater, substantially higher probability of cheating again. Correlation not causation (likely a hidden variable involving personality rather than the previous cheating causing it), but, this is still a real thing and you as a person are in the grander statistical sense not a beautiful unique snowflake.
This holds true for divorce as well in a really big way, interestingly. Other things in life too. If they cheated on someone, they won't necessarily cheat on you, but, the probability is much higher and you should either avoid or be very careful.
Yeah, people make mistakes, me included. You cheat and keep at it and it aint a mistake anymore. You're doing wrong and you know it. Break up, get the divorce, end it, whatever. Otherwise you are pretty much a craptacular piece of work and saying you're happy after the fact just dims my view further.
Cheating isn't a mistake. It's a conscious decision.
Yep, it is a decision where many choices could have been made to do something different but were not. Therein lies the mistake. People make mistakes, continue on though and now you have gone into a whole new ballpark.
I am not sure...typically a mistake is being wrong, blunder, to make a uneducated choice.
When infidelity is concerned there has to be some moral fibre in someone that states that this relationship is wrong on whatever they choose to base it on...Usually there are many justifications and we hear them all the time..."I was in a loveless marriage" "We didnt have sex anymore and I missed that part of that relationship" "I hate to be alone and wanted company while I was working in another state" "He/she is so great, they make me feel alive, My marriage has been dead for years"
Since the mentioned above are typical justifications the adulteror has already made a conscience decision to cheat based on these justifications.....Usually when infidelity is concerned the word "mistake" gets tossed around when in reality this word is used to minimize the act...call a spade a spade.
I am not sure...typically a mistake is being wrong, blunder, to make a uneducated choice.
When infidelity is concerned there has to be some moral fibre in someone that states that this relationship is wrong on whatever they choose to base it on...Usually there are many justifications and we hear them all the time..."I was in a loveless marriage" "We didnt have sex anymore and I missed that part of that relationship" "I hate to be alone and wanted company while I was working in another state" "He/she is so great, they make me feel alive, My marriage has been dead for years"
Since the mentioned above are typical justifications the adulteror has already made a conscience decision to cheat based on these justifications.....Usually when infidelity is concerned the word "mistake" gets tossed around when in reality this word is used to minimize the act...call a spade a spade.
Okay. That is sensible. Someone makes a concious decision only to find out later on that he made the wrong decision.
To say it is an accident is something I don't agree... "You slept with my sister?"
"Yeah, it was an accident."
"So you are telling me you accidently fell into my sister, and out of my sister and into my sister and out of my siter 38 times?"
Okay. That is sensible. Someone makes a concious decision only to find out later on that he made the wrong decision.
To say it is an accident is something I don't agree... "You slept with my sister?"
"Yeah, it was an accident."
"So you are telling me you accidently fell into my sister, and out of my siter and into my sister and out of my siter 38 times?"
Yeah, it could happen.......
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Excellent post!
