A new day has dawned. I am free! (serious, respect, surprise)
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Great advice from everyone. Bears I couldn't give you Rep, but Rockky I was able to give you some- so consider it a gift from the Pirate and the Bear!
Robyn, continue to take the high road. In the long run your kids- especially Alexander will realize, understand and appreciate you doing so. He's being caught in the middle by his father and by his conflicted feelings------but not by you right now. Love him, let him tell you what he wants, and always listen without interrupting, offering advice, or telling him what to do. Validate his feelings- "wow, it must be hard when dad says that" or "I'm sorry that this is happening. If I could take it away I would."
By you not telling him how to feel, reacting adversely, or aggressively extracting information from him, he will be comfortable to share everything with you. He has to know that you aren't going to get angry, sad, or fall apart in front of him.
On the other hand, TJs manipulations and emotional exploitation will become apparent. Alexander is old enough to realize that you're just letting him be himself and feel what comes natural to him. You are now and you will continue to be his port in the storm.
Really, I was inquiring into their phone call w/ me. When I called them Sat night,they really were not able to talk to me, because he was talking to them...asked them the details of that. What was going on that they were unable to speak w me...
That happens to us too - we tell them to get up and leave the room so that they can hear us - right when we're on the phone with them.....
How about, "Hey Bud....I didn't get to talk to you the other night. How can we fix that?" Hopefully Alexander will be willing to tell you about his experience. Then you can offer some suggestions for coping skills like the one Bear mentioned.
Just keep in mind that is all in its early stages. Alexander may not be ready to talk about it, or he may want to figure it out on his own for awhile. Maybe TJ gives him a raft of stuff if he leaves the room. Just leave the door open. No pressure....no expectations....other than to be polite in all circumstances with everyone. He may not be ready to confront his father's poor, manipulative behavior at this point.
It's not unheard of for parent 'A' to disallow the children from talking to parent 'B' during parent 'A's' visitation time. Rotten for sure but not illegal.
Actually it is illegal if it's in the court order - ours says that the children have at least 10 minutes to talk with the parent everynight - our time is from 7-8. Our order goes on to say - uninterrupted, private time.
By you not telling him how to feel, reacting adversely, or aggressively extracting information from him, he will be comfortable to share everything with you. He has to know that you aren't going to get angry, sad, or fall apart in front of him.
That little kernel of advice is worth a gold mine. Fantastic stuff pirategirl..
Bear, You would be correct if it's court ordered. Most people don't even think about putting it in an agreement. Soooooo, maybe there's one other little item for Robyn to think about.
Is this something new being used to address Parental Alienation stuff?
I think it's pretty standard in our area - PA. It sounds like VA has a lot of the same stuff - TJ said that if mediation didn't work out and they couldn't come to an agreement that he and Robyn would both have to go to a parenting class. It is called Kids in the Middle here and my husband went and it was great for him.
We belong to a Father's Rights Group - my husband went through ALOT to even get to see his son.... and they are really pushing for co-parenting. A lot of states are adopting programs that make the parents go to counseling any time a custody suit is filed. Counseling will only help those who want to be helped - but it's something anyway....
My ex hated it and the first time the counselor disagreed with him he FLIPPED out and ran out - we haven't been back in 2 yrs and he hasn't seen the kids. Sad - but maybe in the long run better....
I hope some counseling for the kids is ordered on Thursday. Robyn, I suggest you request this at mediation- you may need to split the cost, but specify that you would like weekly sessions for each child for six months to help them with this major change in their lives- especially if Tj is going to ask for custody. The mediator will probably appreciate that you have nothing to hide and are willing to let your kids talk to an outsider- and will likely recommend some providers.
At that point you can request that TJ provide transportation to those appointments.
Be proactive - ya know - in your spare time! Call the court house and ask what counselors they recommend for children and then call your insurance company - most health insurance companies will cover counseling - kids, family especially. Ours does and it is a $20 co-pay per visit. I know that $20 is a lot sometimes - but it may be worth it and you might be able to get that added as part of your child support order - say for the first year. You can even find this on the ins co website sometimes...
the side benefit will be that YES - you look like the responsible parent that you are - you are looking out for your kids and worrying about them.....
Bear, You would be correct if it's court ordered. Most people don't even think about putting it in an agreement. Soooooo, maybe there's one other little item for Robyn to think about.
Is this something new being used to address Parental Alienation stuff?
Sorry, Robyn. The list grows.
We actually put it in the agreement we made up between eaother...
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