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Robyn - don't send good clothes - you'll never get them back. If you can get some stuff that they could keep there that would be great - do you trust him to wash them?
We have totally sep stuff for my stepson at our house - mostly because his mother would send stuff that didn't fit or was dirty and damaged so that we would replace it and send the new stuff back to her. We would send her back the damaged stuff and keep the new stuff - so now I just buy clothes and keep them at our house. It's just games. On one hand the kids do need to be responsible for their own clothes - but on the other hand life is a little wild for them right now. In the grand scheme of things what judge is going to make you responsible for what happens to their underwear when they are not with you. Things are crazy right now for everyone - if the poor kid forgot his underwear it does not make you an unfit mother. Let him waste his money on a lawyer - it will be very funny.
If your name is on his electric bill and they will not take it off - give him a weeks notice of when you have scheduled the shut off. It is not being mean - it is protecting yourself. You are offically separated - your financial lives are separate.
Also - he is still discussing money in front of the kids - on one hand it shows them what an ass he is - but it's not good for you or for them. Plus - he can see that he can still push your buttons. Tell him to put any and all financial concerns in writing or to your lawyer. He will not play games like that in front of other people.....well he might - but it'll look stupid. He is freaking out right now - think about that - he is wild because every big tough man out there knows that the mom always gets the kids and the courts are jerks who makes the men pay and let the "lazy" women live off of them. He is trying to scare you - if he wasn't he'd shut his mouth and let the courts handle it. The people that scream the loudest are trying to cover up that they are scared - the truly confident man doesn't need to terrorize his family.
I also know you know this - but having to deal with it is a different story.
It will be okay.......
Robyn - ILB is giving you great advise. I know it is hard but it will get better. I also know it is hard not to get into back and forth stuff. Try not to interact with him at all right now. If you don't have to talk to him don't. Give the kids a kiss and say sorry gotta go have to be some where, don't ever give him a chance to confront you about anything.
Try to have a nice day.
T
I am going through Wheres the love now, and picking things out. Here is this. It happened on July 20 and into July 21st, a bit of his craziness, as well as his mothers... gonna take a break now, to get water and clean and unpack and all of that fun stuff.
I have been up nearly 24 hours. The worst day of my life, besides losing my parents.
I was planning on getting up this morning and going to maryland with the kids. Plans change. We all know that. J was talking to his sister about going somewhere and he said well, I will have the kids, and I overheard, and said no you wont, they will be w me in Maryland.
He said you are not taking them to Maryland. Says my car is not in good enough shape. Keeps saying no I am not, I keep saying yes I am, then finally ask if he is forbidding me, he says yes.
After that, I am done arguing. I ask lindsay is she want to go for a walk, She does. We went. I called my sister and told her what went on, she said if there was anything wrong with the car she would pay to get it fixed di I want her to talk to J..I thought this was the most upsetting part of my evening. Not by far.
I got home w Lindssay and he was draggin Alexander out the door with 2 bags of clothes telling Lindsay to come on, they are going to his sisters house. I say no you are not. The kids stay in the house. We are back and forth. I tell the kids to go in the living room. J drags Alexander, he resists him, I tell him to get off of him, he doesn't want to go, he yells at them to come on, we are leaving, I scream NO!
I called the police. My phone kept breaking up. I felt like I was losing my kids. They made their way to the LR. I found the home phone and called 911 again, they asked if there where any weapons involved, I was steadily saying no you aren't taking them, the dispatch on the phone the whole time, he was arguing back, yelling at the kids, the kids crying, so scared. The police got there.
Oh Lord Jesus. He was still trying to drag them out the door. They asked him to step out side....god i am shaking so bad right now. I told them the whole story, they said what about before today...so I told him how he belittled us...for about ten years, and so forth, then they brought him in, and he told them my car wasn't fit to drive, and I said look at his truck... my car is 7 years old, his is 23. there was no physical dipute, there was nothing they could do, but if they were called back, one of us, the aggressor was going to jail.
Just as soon as they left he tried to take them again. he kept telling me to get out of his way, I kept blockingg his path. He said I am a 350 lb man and I am trying to stay calm right now Robyn. MOVE. NO i say NO YOU ARE NOT TAKING MY KIDS.. he kept trying though... He had called his sister when the police where inside talking to me, I didn't know it, but they where on their way over here. That means his siter, mother and BIL. He kept trying to take the kids and I kept fighting him.
I dont know why he stopped finally...oh, his cell phone rang. I told Lindsay to get int he shower and Alexander to get his pjs on. I was going to have them sleep in my bed with me, to keep them close so he couldn't take them. I put Shrek in the DVD, and he came in there and got us all.
We had to come out into the living room and he explained how I was trying to cause them harm and he didn't want that, etc. He said that I wanted him to go to jail, and I didn't, and I tried to say that, but he said you dont talk, I don't wan t to hear anything from you. When he was trying to take them earlier in the night, he told them I was crazy and on drugs, not in my right mind.
His phone rang again, and he said ok, all of a sudden, his mother, sister and BIL were here. I was like oh Hell no. I had 4 people to contend w now. Thye all came in. Bil cornered me in the hallway and was trying to get me to promise not to take the kids to MD. He said just let us take them to our house w J. I said no.. you guys are not coming into my house and ganing up on me and taking my kids. This went on for what seemed an eternity. I pulled him further into the hallway. I told him all about J, all about everything he has done, and that I could not take it anymore. I said I dont need to promise anyone that I am not taking MY kids somewhere.
Once again my car comes up..WTH! We talked and talked, then MIL comes around the corner and hugs me......hmm, I thought that was ok, then she starts saying these are my grandchildren and you cant just go taking them to Maryland like that and blahblahblah. I was getting very mad, I told her she was no one to tell me what I could or could not do with my kids. I looked at BIL and he knew exactly what I meant. She kept on at me.
Heres the story with that. She allowed her daughter to be molested for years by one of her dh and did nothing. Now, I am going to let her tell me what I can do w my kids...I dont think so. BIL knew...that is his wife. I was getting so mad, I was going to explode and she wouldn't shut up. I opened my daughters door and slammed my hand into the door jam about 5x. She still wouldn't stop. I pushed her aside and ran out the door in my pajamas down the street.
I felt woosy. I got a few houses down, in the complete darkness and leaned up against a pole. I was hyperventilating. i couldn't stop. BIL found me. he tryed to calm me down and get my breathing regular. We talked and talked and came to an agreement. They would take the kids to their house, and neither J nor myself would have access to them this weekend and there would be no down talk about me going on.
We continue talking, I was so upset. He says you can talk to me, I say no I can't you are her husband, you are with them. He said I am not taking sides. I have been through a divorce before. I dont know exactly how you feel, but maybe some of it. I told him I felt alone. My family is all up in Maryland, I have no one, He says you have me, I say no I dont. Talking for a long time.
Police drive up to the house...shininig lights around. go up to mu house, then spot us. Come to me and ask if I am ok, did I hit my head, did I try to hurt myself, do I feel like I could cause myself bodily harm...no no no. BIL says I hit my hand on the wall not my head. Cop stood there looking at me for a minute and left.
Then J and MIL left a few mins after the 2 police cars. I say where are they going? Probably just for a ride. So, a plan has been made. BIL says he will talk to each individual person, and if they cannot agree, he will wash his hands of it and that is it. OK. So I go to the house...1230 am.
His siter apologizes for how she talked to me on the phone earlier...she was really rotten. She said how did you get like this so all of a sudden, you guys were happy...I say this was not all of a sudden, its ten years strong. On and on and on. Finally J and MIL get back, get the kids all ready and they and SIL leave. I say to J....who is outside? No one. I say no, I hear someone... I saw BIL out there. I thought nothing of it. I really didn't know how many vehicles they came in.
So, J and I went to the LR and he says what happens now, and I started telling him how I thought it was wrong, what he did, and I dont know what happens, but I cant live like this anymore. I am just talking, oblivious to anything but the 2 of us and a police officer says to me...do you want to put some different shoes on?
OK...there is a cop in my house. I said for what. He says i am serving you with these papers. What papers? Your family thinks your behavior is unstable and they have gone to the Magistrate and I will talk to you about it when we get out side.
I say can I get dressed? Yes. So I got some jeans and a t shirt, socks and shoes and slipped my cell phone in my pocket and came out of the room. he was ready to roll. I said wait a minute. I have rights here. If you are serving me with papers, who started up the papers? Your family he says.... who in my family I say. MIL. OIC... YEP.. He took my arm. I asked if I could get my glasses. he said yes, I put them on and we went outside.
he said I am going to escort you to a mental facility where you will be examined and found out whether or not you need to be hospitalized. Your family states you have been exibiting bizarre behavior.
He opened the back of the police car and put me in. No cuffs. MIL, BIL, and dh all went too. I said all of them are going too, will they be in there with me>? he said the person who filed the complaint has to go in and tell their side. MIL.
So we got there. We had to wait for the counselor to get there. It took a long time. he asked me how I got where I was and I told him j and my history. I told him I wasn't crazy and I didn't deserve to be sitting i the back of a cop car. He said it wasn't his fault. when someone files a complaint he has to comply, but he agreed, that when he saw me earlier he thought I was fine.
We talked forever until the counselor got there. He unlocked the back of the care and I got out. He escorted me into a small room. MIL talked to the lasy first. I fell asleep waiting. She finally came in and woke me.
Told me that Mil was concerned over some of my recent bizarre behaviors and thought I was psychotic. I said what are my behaviors.
Waking in the night, exercising, writing in a journal, losing weight. OMG.
I wake in the night because I cant sleep! I exercise because now I feel good! I have lost weight because I am exercising! Iwrite in a journal because it is good therapy...just like this...I told her I post too... I asked her if any of those behaviors were bizarre. She said no.
I told her of how a little over a month ago, I recieved a message, how my physical pain ended, and my emotional pain shone through... how I became strong, strong enough to talk to dh about how I felt. I talked to her about losing my parents. I told her everything. I told her why I got so mad about MIL trying to tell me what to do w my kids...
Before I went into that room and she said first I well talk to her and then you, I said will you then talk to us together? She said yes if thats what you want. Oh thats what I wanted.
Well, she found me to be sane. She thought I was under stress, and that I was at the end of the road. Yes I know this. She saif MILs can be a pain in the A$$. They should not meddle. She gave me a hug. My insurance will be billed for this.
We left the room and went to the other big area. The cop said looks like we are all done? I said oh no we are not. We need to talk to her now. He said, well, in me taking you here, it is my duty to bring you home, if you dont leave now you will have to ride w her. fine I said..have a nice day. Officer Erie.
I asked the counselor to go over my bizarre behaviors w MIL and explain what they all mean to her, and she did, and told her that they weren't bizarre at all, but an eye opening exp, a life changing experience for me. I was calm. I said now, I want to tell you why I got so upset with you... No, she says, now is not the time for that. LOL... She knew why I was upset. Every time I wanted to say something she wouldn't let me.
The lady looked at me and said just stay calm....I am calm, I said. MIL says to me, I don't want you to have any regrets. We need to get home and get rest and we can talk later. OMGOMGOMG
She is crazy. She has me wisked off, in a police car, for possible institution...
Bil and J were utside in seperate vehicles to pick us up. i rode in my car w BIL. He said he had no idea. I believed him, because he was outside w me the whole time, and he said he talked to J. J didn't know that in doing this, that is what would happen.
This is it. I am calling my boss tomorrow and taking off work monday and filing for seperation and something having to do w custody, I dont know.
And I thought him ripping up the anniversary card was the straw that broke the camels back. I think this did it.... would you agree?
Rob, I keep telling you, don't let him instigate these kind of conversations in front of the kids. Don't let him get to you, he's trying to use and hurt them to hurt you. There are a number of things I wanted to respond to in your post. But his statement about looking in A's room??? Oh HELL NO!!! He has no right to step a foot in your house unless he is invited. He has no right to go into your kids bedrooms unless he is invited. That is YOUR house, not his. In all acutallity(sp) you don't even have to let him on your property without your permission. It's called trespassing and against the law. I realize you're trying to be as civil as you can right now for the sake of the kids, but it's time to play hardball. You don't have to be a witch about things, but you also don't have to put up with his mouth any longer.
When the kids are going to his house, only send the bear minimum. Send enough meds and clothes to hold them for the weekend. If things need replacing, well, I guess you and I can go shopping. Don't let him engage you in any kind of verbal back and forth issues, it only upsets you and makes him happy that he can push your buttons. I agree with whoever posted about the electricity, you are no longer a resident in that house and had your service transferred to another address. If he so "graciously" willing to "give" you half of that back, maybe he needs to give you back the rent that you paid also? And why does he want the kids every weekend? Is it to actually spend quality time with them or just to upset all of you? When I saw A 2 days ago, his hair looked fine.....whatever TJ......click!!!!!
It is so very comforting to know that Robyn has a RL person who is able to help her thru this. Someone who is strong enough to not let TJ take any more advantage of the softness and sweetness that is Robyn. Thank you for being there for her. For standing firm and giving her wise council.
WOW - all of this happened and you are worried that you are going to lose your kids? HOLY COW BATMAN - he should be worried - they are CRAZY. If it comes to a custody hearing - heck even just for mediation - get a copy of the police report, the counselor's report - just to show what goes on.
And really - every weekend is extreme - let it go until after mediation - but do you want to ship them off every weekend? Right now you probably need the time - but if you agree to e/o then you can give him extra time later......
Robyn - So much good advice! I was going to say the same thing kalogirl said - DO NOT LET TJ INTO YOUR HOUSE! There is absolutely no reason for him to be there. If he should bring the kids to your home when the weekend is over, meet them on the front porch. Do not let him in and do not invite him in. It doesn't sound like the kids want him there, either.
If he says something like, "Why can't I come in, my kids live here, I have a right to make sure it's safe/clean/whatever....What do you have to hide....Yada, yada" - just tell him he can't come in. Period. Once the kids are inside, you go in, close and lock the door. End of discussion.
We all know how TJ likes to control and how he fabricates. God forbid you have one thing out of place (what HE perceives as its place) - he will blow the situation up into the place is a pigsty, how can my kids stay here. Therefore, do NOT let him in the door. As kalogirl said, it's trespassing, plain and simple.
As for his snide remarks when you met with the kids - don't let him get to you. He's still pushing buttons. Personally, I would think if he actually had a lawyer, especially a "high-powered" one, that lawyer would have contacted yours already - I think he's blowing smoke and pushing buttons again....But I could be wrong.
You know, it's interesting - you have the kids all week long...WHILE YOU ARE ALSO WORKING....He has them on the weekends WHEN HE IS NOT WORKING...Yet he expects you to take care of hair cuts, clothes shopping, etc......Do you see what's wrong with this picture? Especially in a co-parenting situation? Make sure you document that as well.
Hang tough Robyn - we are all behind you 100% and sending you our strength via the airwaves so to speak
OMG I was just going to say the same thing, when did he think you had the time to get your son's hair cut, give me a break.
And as far as the every weekend thing goes why should he have all the fun down time with them, doesn't seem quite fair to me.
When you go into that mediator tell him you changed your mind and want the kids every other weekend. As far as the summer thing goes if he does get say a chunk of time he doesn't have to get it all at once. My son had to spend 28 days in the summer with his father, he did not want to go all at once so I would break it up into 2 or 3 visits in the summer. We do live 250 miles away so I usually didn't do the weekend thing in the summer, during the school year he saw his father one weekend a month.
Robyn don't think that you have to stick to either agreement you do not, start over and get exactly what you want, if you don't get everything OK but you might get more then what you expect.
Good Luck and do not let him push your buttons, I know easier said then done.
WOW - all of this happened and you are worried that you are going to lose your kids? HOLY COW BATMAN - he should be worried - they are CRAZY. If it comes to a custody hearing - heck even just for mediation - get a copy of the police report, the counselor's report - just to show what goes on.
And really - every weekend is extreme - let it go until after mediation - but do you want to ship them off every weekend? Right now you probably need the time - but if you agree to e/o then you can give him extra time later......
I have the report from the night when they took me to that facility. I went on that following Monday after it happened and talked to the RN/counselor who worked with me. They do not normally give the reports out. they are all kept in a locked cabinet, not to be seen again.
I was referred to her supervisor, and I thanked her for helping me the other night, I knew she didn't want to be up in the middle of the night like that, nor did I...
I spoke w her supervisor for about an hour or more. She did give me the report. It stated that my reactions were appropriate underthe circumstances, I was tired. I was depressed...ya think?
My MIL had brought all of my meds in a bag with her to this place, except for what i take for my depression. Good Lord, who wouldn't be depressed?
The lady did not see that I was taking anything for it, because MIL didn't bring that bottle...thought she was being smart.
Anyways, the supervisor, we spoke for a long time, and she was saying how things like this happen mostly on levels, for all of these years it has been verbal/emotional abuse. Next will be physical, in most cases.
He did come very close to hitting me one night.
I went to the police station that same day to try and meet with the officer. He was not in yet, night shift, or second shift. I left a thank you card for him. I thanked him for treating me so kindly. For talking to me.
You know, I could have gotten all crazy on these people. I could have been hospitalized, and I guess this is what Jim and his mother were looking for to happen. Nope. I got home at 430 in the morning and slept 2 hours and drove to Maryland.
Yes, I still worry, because of the control he has had over me all of these years, I cant unprogram myself all the way. I can only imagine it is going to take quite a while. He knows that they are my life, my lifeblood, my heart, my everything.
he knows that this is where he can go to get to me. And that is where he goes.
Robyn- at mediation request that he have clothing at his house for the kids so that all you have to deliver are the kids- they come home in the same clothing they leave in and they leave the clothes that he buys them at his house.
This will prevent missing underwear and such- and god forbid, that AH will have to spend some of his precious money on the kids.
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A story some of the newcomers dont know
