Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Wow. You're a pillar of strength to say the least, and smart to boot! Sounds like your ex needs to be taken to the woodshed... But it looks like you may have done that already!
It's been a long haul - but it's so worth it now.
Robyn - I look at my children - mine his and ours and I watch them all play football outside and watch my oldest son act like his step father - loving and funny and it warms my heart. I left my husband for many reasons - but the main one was that I didn't want him to be the example for my son and daughter of a man and a father......
For a long time I thought I'd never marry again - but God sent me the right man AFTER He taught me how to take care of everything by myself. The difference is I want my husband - I don't need him.
You sound like you are doing great. I still use my heel as a nail and I love duct tape.
My mantra - It is what it is....don't whine about it - just do it!!!!
Great posts Bears! Your advice is right on.
I too know women who don't deserve to be mothers and have won custody of their children, just bec they were the biological mothers ~ definitely not fair.
Robyn, THERE IS NO QUESTION that you should be saving the hostile/threatening/mean/selfish messages TJ leaves on your machine. You should be playing them for your attorney...and if he asks about the papers, let him get them from your attorney...you did not have to do as you are told an longer.
OK EVERYONE: Robyn needs documentation of TJ's neglectful/destructive parenting behavior ~ contribute your thoughts by next week. I'll see if I have some time on Sunday to go through posts myself ~ but truthfully, the first list I posted would be the same, bec he's been destructive since day one!
I also agree with whomever suggested each of you takes one child as a dependent for IRS purposes ~ WHY Are you giving up that deduction?
Robyn poses a good point here in "HOW DO I PROVE TJ WAS ABUSIVE OVER THE YEARS"
I think somehow the kids need to learn to be more honest about what they've experienced ~ what else team?
Welcome kalogirl! It's nice to know that someone is there to give Robyn RL hugs!
Robyn, please stop fretting about the agreements and papers you two have prepared. All of that stuff will be figured out according to the laws in your state and what you work out with the help of your attorney. When TJ asks about it, just say something blow-offish like "we'll work out all the details when we get there."
All Robyn has to do to prove that he's abusive is chronicle his day-to-day behavior. From refusing to take his daughter to the doctor to threatening to bash his son's teeth in for breaking the crock pot to tripping her son in the store. The guy is an ass 24/7. It's not going to be difficult to show he's abusive.
Marlow, I agree with you wholeheartedly, but to those of you who have been through this, HOW DOES ROBYN PROVE ANY OF THIS, if Alexander doesn't talk openly to the counselor he'll most likely be provided with? Lindsey (I would guess) would be more impulsively honest.
To begin with Robyn, you do need to list and paint the pic of ongoing emotional, verbal & physical abuse (if it fits)! You need to "come out of the closet", take a chance at being honest about TJ's treatment over the years, even if it taints your relationship with TJ from here on...you see, I think he KNOWS you won't sell him down the river with all the stories, bec he can successfully intimidate you (as he does the kids). This is your moment of truth...you need to paint the picture for your attorney, and as someone above pointed out, make sure your attorney is up for the job of putting TJ and his attorney in their places...Your attorney may be affordable and patient about payment, but is he good? This is your one shot at getting custody and showing TJ up for the poor reflection of a parent that he is ~ he's actually very destructive.
I really don't think it will come to all of that for a long time - if ever. Custody is very expensive and TJ is not going to put out the $. My husband's lawyer told him flat out we didn't have a snow ball's chance and we ended up doing it all - I think I could probably pass the PA bar if they only asked family court questions. It is not illegal to leave your husband - Robyn - you don't have to prove anything - you just tell your story. Tell them why and keep documentation from here on out. When/if they talk to the children they are very good at getting to the truth - usually without making the kids tattle.
You don't want to put the kids in the position to take sides. Of course they will on their own - but don't ask them to. The court reps that talk to the kids will be able to sense the fear - if it comes to them talking to the children just tell your children to tell the truth and say what they feel. Once again - make it okay for them to love their father - they need that to feel safe too!
Just write it all down. the doctor thing - the not paying for medicine thing....
I don't even know all of the old stuff that you all keep referring to - I'm new.
hello all...I am at lunch, kalogirl just got back. Took a run for the border for everyone. Gosh there is so much stuff.I really have to go through where is the love. I posted everything in there, I do believe. It was like my therapy. It is dated.
I don't even want to see him tomorrow. hmm. If I talk to him tonight I will ask for the agreement back,since he doesn't like it, and drop the kids off tomorrow at our meeting place. I guess I will let him know he needs to come up with one from his own lawyer.
At any rate, we are separated as of 090107.
Mediation on next Thursday. He spoke of it when he called me and told me he got the subpeona. He said that it said if we could not come to an agreement we would have to go to parenting classes for four hours at 50 dollars a piece, he said hedoesn't want to pay for that, he thinks we can agree. Who knows.
He thinks he can tell me what to do still and I am over it.
If it does come down to proving who is the better parent in court, all Robyn can do is tell her story. Assuming TJ tells an opposite story, it is up to the court to decide. Prior to going to court, her attorney will have talked to her enough to know how to question her and how for her best to tell her story. He will also probably talk to adult family members who can testify on her behalf. A family law judge will have heard enough stories to be a pretty good judge of truthfulness. All of this is based on what I know about Texas law. I know nothing about Virginia law. Also, both kids are probably old enough to tell a judge who they want to live with. The age is 12 in Texas. Even if they feel sorry for TJ being alone, they both seem smart enough to know that they are waaaay better off living with Robyn.
But I agree with ILTB that most likely they'll settle the custody and support issues through negotiation with their lawyers. I would also bet that by the time these issues actually come to be decided, TJ will have stopped taking the children every weekend and won't put up that much of a fight. He seems mostly concerned about the support issues anyway and those will probably be decided according to a formula based on their incomes.
I agree - the I'm taking the kids threat is just a way to get you to agree to go easy on the money - it's just manipulation and as long as there has been divorce - almost every man has said it.....
It's easy for us to say - but don't worry about the custody. They are not going to uproot the children from their mother. It just will not happen!!!!!
Try to enjoy the weekend - read a book, take a bubble bath, watch a movie!!
Relax and recharge!
I have been reading your post since day one, I have been in your shoes, it was 23 years ago. You have received such wonderful advice from everyone here. You have such wonderful support. All I can tell you is to document everything, if he leave a msg on the phone keep the tape (if it doesn't have one re-record the msg). If he sends you e-mail print it out, if he sends you mail keep it and the envelope it came in. I know how much time it takes to document everything but this will need to be part of your life till your children are grown and on their own. TJ is controlling and his control is the children and he knows it. Mine had me in court on an average of 3 times per year, had DCS out on an average of 3 times a year. He even took me to court for full custody when they were in their senior year of HS. This was is an effort to control to exert control. Don't give up, you are doing what is in the best intrest of your children and yourself. When you feel down look at your children and their smiles. I don't know if your children are seeing a counselor but if you can it may be a good place for them to talk to someone. I found out after my sons were adults some of the things their father did to them (hung my son out a window, second story by his ankles). Sometimes they won't tell you everything out of fear.
All I can say is keep everything, document everything. And by the way, you should be claiming your children on your taxes. In most states (I'm in CA) support and visitation are two different issues. So if he doesn't pay he could still see the children. No matter what they are YOUR children, because you are putting in the time, money, effort, care and being the parent!!!!
You won't lose your children, you are a wonderful mother and are taking great care of them. Always remember that !!!
Again you have received great advice here and you have wonderful supporters. God Bless You and Your Family.
Best Wishes !!!!!!!!!!!!
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
