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OP- I do not believe the guy is wrong for informing you of his honest likes\distaste. You wouldn't post about his complimenting you too soon. I suggest just expressing your issue with his comment; if he can not handle your response or you refuse to compromise your dresscode Just shake hands and pleasantries than part ways.
He sounds like he has major control issues. While people can express their preferences - they have NO RIGHT to try and change how you choose to present yourself.
Agreed. Saying what he wants "his woman" to do certainly puts that red flag up rather high. But now that I think on it, what WOULD be an acceptable way for him to express his preferences? How should a man broach the subject? Surely, some women are going to flip out no matter how it's worded. But I'm talking about sane ones. Mature women.
well if "my man" tells me, his chick, how to dress, he's outta here....Giving compliments on something that looks nice on me or saying something is not too nice, is OK...but telling me how to dress? No thank you!
Agreed. Saying what he wants "his woman" to do certainly puts that red flag up rather high. But now that I think on it, what WOULD be an acceptable way for him to express his preferences? How should a man broach the subject? Surely, some women are going to flip out no matter how it's worded. But I'm talking about sane ones. Mature women.
Okay, he met her dressed somewhat provocatively. From her profile pics, she loves showing lots of cleavage, he KNEW this when he got with her.
If he wanted a woman that was more "modest", then he should have approached that person. He didn't. He wanted the sexy bombshell. She's not interested in changing her style of dress as of yet.
There is no way to "broach" the subject. He either accepts her "as is" or finds someone more to his liking. There are way more women that dress to his standards than the OP does. Why didn't he talk to them?
Why do men get with pretty women like the OP, then go about trying to "change" them into the frumpy women they come in contact with everyday?
I would never get with a man whose fashion sense is not to my liking, because he obviously likes what he's wearing. There are plenty of men that will dress appropriately. I don't believe in trying to "change" people.
I believe in "compromise" as far as things in the "relationship", but not anything physical or appearancewise.
Okay, I asked a question on how men in general might bring it up that would be appropriate to you and other women here. The guy mentioned in the OP was wrong; I've already said that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by marilyn220
Why do men get with pretty women like the OP, then go about trying to "change" them into the frumpy women they come in contact with everyday?
I'm quite sure that's not what men who dislike revealing attire are trying to do. I do see your point, about men who get with women who dress like this on a regular basis when they don't like it. But to be honest, not all women are as insistent that they keep their "fashion sense" so much that they *must* show cleavage or wear short skirts. So it's not altogether pointless in every case.
Quote:
Originally Posted by marilyn220
I believe in "compromise" as far as things in the "relationship", but not anything physical or appearancewise.
Help me to understand this. You'd be willing to change your behavior, but not what you wear? Do you think the latter somehow defines you as an individual more than the former?
I'm quite sure that's not what men who dislike revealing attire are trying to do. I do see your point, about men who get with women who dress like this on a regular basis when they don't like it. But to be honest, not all women are as insistent that they keep their "fashion sense" so much that they *must* show cleavage or wear short skirts. So it's not altogether pointless in every case.
I think we somewhat agree, but the OP's friend says he doesn't like exposed legs, but yet he met her with and every date they've gone on she's had them exposed. Again, there are MORE women that dress the opposite of the OP than ones that do. Why didn't he just approach the women who already look the way he wants?
Quote:
Help me to understand this. You'd be willing to change your behavior, but not what you wear? Do you think the latter somehow defines you as an individual more than the former?
Here's the deal, you'll never find anyone who is 100% your ideal. Your best bet is trying to find someone that is as close to what you want as possible, then working with everything else.
When I say I would change for a relationship, it would be more of a "compromise", because I would probably ask them to do certain things I wanted as well. These are "light" things and doable with no major behavioral changes that would make either person miserable to do.
The problems come when the person wants me to compromise or change things to the point where I'm miserable, no longer myself and walking on eggshells. This is the person trying to change YOU to become their 100% ideal when they should have just found the person they really wanted.
I'm not going to ask anyone to change their physical appearance, because I don't anyone asking me to change mine.
I think we somewhat agree, but the OP's friend says he doesn't like exposed legs, but yet he met her with and every date they've gone on she's had them exposed. Again, there are MORE women that dress the opposite of the OP than ones that do. Why didn't he just approach the women who already look the way he wants?
Exactly. Ask yourself why. To me, it seems obvious he liked something about her more than he disliked the way she was dressed. In other words, perhaps the women he saw who LOOKED the way he wanted didn't ACT the way he wanted. Given the choice of just the two (which of course, we can't assume were his only options), I would've taken the same gamble he did, honestly. Because I think most women would rather change the way they dress than their behavior. But then, it depends on many little details and most importantly, how you bring up the subject.... which no one is humoring me on!
How should a guy broach the subject? Surely, there's a way he do this without being labeled "controlling"...?
Quote:
Originally Posted by marilyn220
Here's the deal, you'll never find anyone who is 100% your ideal. Your best bet is trying to find someone that is as close to what you want as possible, then working with everything else.
Maybe he did. Maybe the "everything else" was the length of her skirt? Is that in and of itself such a hard thing for her to compromise on?
I can't say enough how I do not defend this specific guy, but it's only because of the way he worded it; it sounded like he would be the controlling type. But there's no law that says how a woman dresses is the one thing you can't ask her (respectfully) to change.
Quote:
Originally Posted by marilyn220
When I say I would change for a relationship, it would be more of a "compromise", because I would probably ask them to do certain things I wanted as well. These are "light" things and doable with no major behavioral changes that would make either person miserable to do.
The problems come when the person wants me to compromise or change things to the point where I'm miserable, no longer myself and walking on eggshells. This is the person trying to change YOU to become their 100% ideal when they should have just found the person they really wanted.
I'm not going to ask anyone to change their physical appearance, because I don't anyone asking me to change mine.
Perhaps this is part of the problem. Perhaps men consider the way someone dresses a "light" thing, a minor change, nothing to be miserable or no longer feel like yourself over; and maybe women are more likely to consider it part of their identity
Honestly, I'd look at what's more likely to change. Only with women who cling so dearly to their "fashion sense" is it unthinkable she would ever start wearing slightly longer shorts. You make a very good point, though, in your talk of compromise. Anyone who is asked to change something (including casual mentions of that something being inferior to an alternative), should test a prospective bf/gf by asking in a similarly respectful way for them to change something also. Doesn't have to be tit-for-tat the whole time, and it doesn't have to be right away, but I'd think this would be a great way of knowing exactly who you're dealing with.
Have been seeing this guy that lives in Pennsylvania for several months, we're making a go of it, but not jumping into exclusivity (I'm dating others).
Main reason I love hanging out with him is that we both have a blast. I honestly don't see long term dating potential, and his life is complicated with his kids and stuff, but we like going out and doing the same things and we literally have a ball when we have a night out together.
But like, third time we hung out, he commented that next time he wanted me to dress more modestly. Now people who hang out with me know me, I change my look like people change their underwear. I'll go on a leggings kick that all I'll wear is leggings, I'll go on a jeans kick, I'll go on a dresses kick. I was on a short skirt kick when out with him. For some reason he doesn't mind (and actually enjoys) cleavage, but he doesn't like my legs to be exposed. Talk about weird.
He phrased it in the way that he wanted "his woman" to dress. Well, I'm not your woman, so I'm glad we cleared that up. I was smiling but underneath my blood was boiling.
The point is, we're not even to that point yet that he should be asking me to modify the way I dress. I've only modified my way of dress for one person, and that's when I actually started living with him.
I hate when dudes do stuff like this. I'm a non-confrontational person who doesn't like to make an apparent big deal out of anything, but I get really annoyed...
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA..........you are kidding right? What a jerk, I've known my husband for 8+ years now and we've been married a wee bit over 5 years and he has NEVER EVER TOLD ME HOW TO DRESS.
Kick this one to the curb, he has control issues.
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