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Whether you choose to have kids or not or get married or not makes no difference.
The point is make sure you are doing it for the RIGHT reasons and not because what society, or someone else thinks or purely selfish reasons. Know yourself, know your partner, and what you can and can't handle and then make the decisions accordingly.
Still think this wraps it up nicely. Each choice has its ups and downs. The key is in the reasoning behind it.
Not really seeing what being married or having a child has to do with loving someone and being committed to them ?
I fell in love with my now Husband almost 24 years ago and we started to live together almost immediately. We knew we were both in for the long run and in a proper mature relationship from the word go pretty much. We have been through some really tough things like me being seriously ill and have never changed our course. We got married only 2 and a half years go. I was never bothered about being married and still not convinced about that piece of paper. Apart from legal rights it has added nothing to us as a couple IMO. We loved each other deeply before and love each other deeply now.
As for having a child neither of us has ever wanted any. We have no parental feelings and find children to be bothersome, dull, boring, noisy, smelly aggravating little creatures on the whole. Why the hell is this construed to be a reflection that somehow we do not love each other deeply enough ? I don't want kids, he does not either. Why bring into the world an unwanted new life simply to try and make other people feel better and convince them that we are genuinely committed to each other.
As far as I am concerned I especially do not want kids BECAUSE I love Hubby so much. I certainly have no desire to share him with anyone, I love our life as it is, footloose and fancy free. We can be spontaneous and travel as we like and are not tied down . Having a child in our lives would make our lives more boring, more routine and more restricted. It would close our horizons and lessen what we have. It would be positively destructive.
I am all for people who adore children to have them but please do not saddle everyone with this desire and expectation that loving people necessarily want to breed. Neither of us do. We discussed this very openly when we got together and made sure we were both of one mind on such a crucial issue. And have never, ever regretted it.
What I see around me is couples whose lives seem to drift into parenthood and when at least one person seem resentful and miserable.
A young couple of young friends of ours has just had a Baby. She always wanted one, he never did. He gave her a Baby as a "present" so to speak and now he seems listless, severely depressed and bored out of his brains. She is happy as a lamb having gotten her way but his life is pretty much over as far as he is concerned. I was so sad and depressed to see that having a child could be such a divisive thing in a couple.
He has not bonded with the Baby in the slightest, barely interacts with Him and his gift to his wife ( whom he adores) is turning into a poisoned apple. I just pray he will eventually come to love and cherish his Baby but I am really not convinced because he was never truly on board from the word go. He still does not want this Baby he has now helped to create. And him and his wife do love each other deeply and they are both lovely, sweet and generous people . She can't even see the problem because she got what she always wanted and is being blind to his wishes and his lack of interest. And who pays the most ? The Baby.
A child should be wanted and desired 100% by both parties and love has nothing to do with wanting a child or not wanting one. Each individual is different and views parenthood in a different way.
Personally having a child is about one of the worst thing I can ever imagine happening to me. I actually have nightmares about finding out I am pregnant and about to give birth. I wake up in cold sweats feeling sick and and nauseous.
And every time we visit anyone with a child I breathe the hugest sighs of relief that contraception has never failed. I think I would hate it even more than him...
Having a kid is not for everyone. Period.
Your absolutely beautifully worded post led to me registering on CD just to respond to it. You, myself, and our DHs are 200% on the same page. I feel precisely the same way you do and every word you typed I have said. My husband is my life, I never knew a relationship could be so perfect nor two people so perfect for each other. Even from a very young age I knew I never wanted kids (not a shred of maternal instinct) and his CF stance is every bit as strong as mine. We are each other's world, we cherish every moment we have together and we can't stand to be apart, even for work. We even have the same days off. Like yourself, this amazing love is why we DON'T want children, we only want each other.
To the people who ask "Why did you get married if you don't want children?" The indescribable emotion we have for each other is why we got married. That same love is one of the many reasons we don't want children. I realize some people won't be able to understand that, I'm not asking you to. In turn I ask those people to not ask me for any further explanation or justification because it is unnecessary. To further quote Mooseketeer: "Having a kid is not for everyone". Amen, my good woman!
So, Philosopher, it's like this. Yes, I did find the one person I couldn't imagine going through life without, and that was the answer I gave the pastor when he asked why I wanted to marry her. He said "RIGHT ANSWER!" She felt the same way. We still do. As much as y'all lament the divorce rate, you should congratulate us and ask what we did right considering that 25 years later, we're still madly in love. We're each other's best friend. We like waking up to each other's faces (greasy, slimey, hair messed up and all), grumbling over that first cup of coffee, reading the news together and laughing together over human stupidity and crying together over human nobility. We like walking down the street and through the grocery store, holding hands and humming some goofy song from the 80s that we danced to back then. We like shopping at the book store and squeeing like kids when we find that book we wanted to read back in 1996 but it slipped past us. We like reading the Poetic Edda to each other while curled up in bed at night with glasses of iced tea. We like taking our time making love. That's our life and we love it.
Did I not find that in the other women I dated? Nope. If I had, I would have married one of them and never dated DW in the first place. I wanted more than a gorgeous face and body. All women have that! I wanted something different on the inside and I found her! Apparently, she found me, too. I didn't have to chase her very hard.
Now, as for what the world offers in my wife, it offers nothing. That Irish redhead over there beaming at me is all woman, all friend, all wife. Sure, her parents helped shape her, but she is independent enough to slough off what she didn't like from them, the church, school, the media and society, which happened to be quite a bit. If society had any role in forming my wife, it may be what NOT to do and be, as in she ripped up the lifescript years ago and never shed one tear.
As for what I owe society, I owe it to be kind. I owe it to help someone stand to his feet when he's fallen on his face. I owe it to share my blessings, even if right now it's only a short story that makes someone laugh and forgets that there are monsters in this world who like to kill people in crowded cinemas. I owe it to take care of my little realm so it doesn't encroach on someone else's realm. And that's it. Society hasn't been terribly kind to me, so I don't see any obligation to push a child out into it so society can mash her into the ground like it tried to do me. Besides, when it comes to children, that obligation is to my wife and her alone. She likes children less than I do, if it's possible to have a whole number less than zero. So, I presented her with my obligation, which is to remain childfree, and kiss her every night and thank her that she feels as I do about this.
As for your synchophant's comment, Why did I get married then? Would you rather we "live in sin" for 25 years? We can take off our rings, get a divorce, she can change her last name, and we can cohabitate together for the rest of our lives if that would make you happy. We've thought about it because we're getting mighty tired of people like you trying to define our marriage, considering we're the ones who spent 25 years building it and defining it, not you. She and I are going to be together. We are going to spend our lives together. And there is nothing that you nor your monolithic preachers nor your puppet politicians can do to change that.
So, Philo, if I may slide over into my natural Southern vernacular for a moment, your pack of hounds don't hunt! Go pedal them dawgs somewheres else. They have fleas and I'm getting mighty tired of scratching because of all y'all ****ferbrains.
So, Philosopher, it's like this. Yes, I did find the one person I couldn't imagine going through life without, and that was the answer I gave the pastor when he asked why I wanted to marry her. He said "RIGHT ANSWER!" She felt the same way. We still do. As much as y'all lament the divorce rate, you should congratulate us and ask what we did right considering that 25 years later, we're still madly in love. We're each other's best friend. We like waking up to each other's faces (greasy, slimey, hair messed up and all), grumbling over that first cup of coffee, reading the news together and laughing together over human stupidity and crying together over human nobility. We like walking down the street and through the grocery store, holding hands and humming some goofy song from the 80s that we danced to back then. We like shopping at the book store and squeeing like kids when we find that book we wanted to read back in 1996 but it slipped past us. We like reading the Poetic Edda to each other while curled up in bed at night with glasses of iced tea. We like taking our time making love. That's our life and we love it.
Did I not find that in the other women I dated? Nope. If I had, I would have married one of them and never dated DW in the first place. I wanted more than a gorgeous face and body. All women have that! I wanted something different on the inside and I found her! Apparently, she found me, too. I didn't have to chase her very hard.
Now, as for what the world offers in my wife, it offers nothing. That Irish redhead over there beaming at me is all woman, all friend, all wife. Sure, her parents helped shape her, but she is independent enough to slough off what she didn't like from them, the church, school, the media and society, which happened to be quite a bit. If society had any role in forming my wife, it may be what NOT to do and be, as in she ripped up the lifescript years ago and never shed one tear.
As for what I owe society, I owe it to be kind. I owe it to help someone stand to his feet when he's fallen on his face. I owe it to share my blessings, even if right now it's only a short story that makes someone laugh and forgets that there are monsters in this world who like to kill people in crowded cinemas. I owe it to take care of my little realm so it doesn't encroach on someone else's realm. And that's it. Society hasn't been terribly kind to me, so I don't see any obligation to push a child out into it so society can mash her into the ground like it tried to do me. Besides, when it comes to children, that obligation is to my wife and her alone. She likes children less than I do, if it's possible to have a whole number less than zero. So, I presented her with my obligation, which is to remain childfree, and kiss her every night and thank her that she feels as I do about this.
As for your synchophant's comment, Why did I get married then? Would you rather we "live in sin" for 25 years? We can take off our rings, get a divorce, she can change her last name, and we can cohabitate together for the rest of our lives if that would make you happy. We've thought about it because we're getting mighty tired of people like you trying to define our marriage, considering we're the ones who spent 25 years building it and defining it, not you. She and I are going to be together. We are going to spend our lives together. And there is nothing that you nor your monolithic preachers nor your puppet politicians can do to change that.
So, Philo, if I may slide over into my natural Southern vernacular for a moment, your pack of hounds don't hunt! Go pedal them dawgs somewheres else. They have fleas and I'm getting mighty tired of scratching because of all y'all ****ferbrains.
Nathan, I salute you! I cannot even begin to tell you how familiar your words are. When you find the love of your life, and that person is your world, then keep your world the way YOU want it. If that means not having kids, so be it. Your days sound like ours, and I married my husband for the same reason you married your wife and we gave the preacher almost identical responses. This Irish redhead (the parallels are truly amazing) loves her husband and the life he has given her more than words can describe. Why would I destroy my world and our storybook marriage by bearing an unwanted child? I feel sorry for the people who cannot understand this. Congrats to your 25 years of marriage and here's hoping you see many more anniversaries.
How about you get off your high horse. You don't know me at all. My volunteer work is very fulfilling. At the end of the day, it's the stone cold truth. Tragic but nevertheless truthful.
Read your posts in this thread again. I know people come from various backgrounds and struggle, but it's not anyone else's place to think people from such backgrounds "shouldn't exist." You have no idea how pompous that comes across...(as if you/others have more of a right to be here than they do).
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Like being a parasite and receiving aid from the state? My taxes which I pay to the government being possibly used to help provide for children I have nothing to do with. You should improve yourself and put yourself in a good situation to reproduce before you actually do. I guess it's easier to just spread one's legs/wear a condom. I'm not trying to be mean but it makes you do wonder about those who are on food stamps or welfare. Why couldn't they go back to school? Why couldn't they improve their financial situation. It would be better for them and offspring they so desperately desire.
Perhaps you don't see it from an outsider's perspective. Write what you will about being fulfilled, enjoying what you do and who you're helping; but your posts in this thread have said otherwise, whether you realize it or not.
Why do you immediately assume someone who rather not have children would make a bad parent? Do you assume that to make yourself feel better? "I don't want children." "Good because you would be a bad parent anyway."
Your suggestion is made because you feel insulted by someone who doesn't want to partake in such a hallowed experience as being a parent is made out to be. Then you try to find answers such as this thread in order to console yourself and wrap your head around why they won't breed. Some people find parenting to be overrated.
I have to agree with that. My BF had a vasectomy at a young age as he made a decision that he never wanted kids. He felt that there were too many things that he wanted to do in life, and he felt that having a child might prevent him from doing exactly what he wanted. To this day, he still says he would never want a kid (and I'm fine with that of course - my son is in college)..but the funny thing is - he would be an awesome parent. I see how he acts with his pup, and how he is around his friends little kids...and even around little kids at the beach...he's a big ol' teddy bear, and he would be so freakin' wrapped around his kid's finger. I just told him this the other day and he waved me off...but he knows it's true.
So...point is, just because someone doesn't want a child, certainly should not be taken to imply that they would be a bad parent. That's absurd.
I have to agree with that. My BF had a vasectomy at a young age as he made a decision that he never wanted kids. He felt that there were too many things that he wanted to do in life, and he felt that having a child might prevent him from doing exactly what he wanted. To this day, he still says he would never want a kid (and I'm fine with that of course - my son is in college)..but the funny thing is - he would be an awesome parent. I see how he acts with his pup, and how he is around his friends little kids
That is just dumb. I am not saying that someone who does not want kids is going to necessarily be a bad parent. The lack of desire may impact the effort that goes in. But who knows. But comparing a dog or part time interactions with friends' children with parenting is idiotic. I love my facebook friends who complain that they had to stay home from work with their sick dog and complain that their work won't let them take a sick day because their employee handbook uses the word family. Shmookums IS my family. Oy.
That is just dumb. I am not saying that someone who does not want kids is going to necessarily be a bad parent. The lack of desire may impact the effort that goes in. But who knows. But comparing a dog or part time interactions with friends' children with parenting is idiotic. I love my facebook friends who complain that they had to stay home from work with their sick dog and complain that their work won't let them take a sick day because their employee handbook uses the word family. Shmookums IS my family. Oy.
But she didn't compare that with parenting. She used it to illustrate that he's good with animals and children, not some ogre that hates all little beings simply because he doesn't want to be a biological parent.
I don't have children, more by circumstance than by active choice, but kids flock to me and I've been told all throughout my life that kids love me, I love them and I'd be a great mother.
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Bravo!
I just told him this the other day and he waved me off...but he knows it's true. 