Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I used to agree with you. As a teenager who racked up over 30 partners, and then settled in with one man faithfully for 18 years, I agreed with you that entire time.
And then I left said husband, discovered the kink scene, and found partners who were actually really, really good at doing sexual things. Being vulnerable enough to share my real sexuality, not just what is "normal" and "expected," with my partners....that is forging deeper connections than so, so many of the guys I had "normal" intercourse with over the course of my life.
If you're the kind of person who "fools around" but only "goes all the way" with a very few people, and isn't into anything kinky and doesn't explore the full range of sensations your body is capable of experiencing, then I guess you might be correct. But is it special and a "deep connection" simply by virtue of the activity itself, or because you saved it for a very special partner? I tend to think that some people have more casual sex and don't necessarily forge that deep bond you're talking about.....for some, they save sex for relationships where that kind of bonding is already simmering on the stovetop.
You don't get to tell me what I do or don't feel with regards to my sex partners, not being in my head and all. And I can speak to the fact that having been with many partners, the one with some ED issues is mind-blowingly attentive, feels honored to have me in his life, we're both a bit in love, and he delights in spending hours doing things with me and to me that don't have to involve "normal" penetrative PIV sex. Also, your biggest sex organ, is DEFINITELY your brain.
Ask women how many of us have experienced sex with a man where we were basically just waiting and trying to be patient for him to finish, and felt relief that it was over and we could get on with our lives. Some deep bonding experience there, when I'm actually listening to the rerun of NCIS in the background and wondering what Abby is wearing while he's going at it. That was my ex-husband. I did not trust him with my private thoughts, fantasies, secrets, or sexuality. He made me feel shameful and dirty about sex, so I shut down and just put up with it. I've had "normal" sex with him more than any other partner I ever had, and we could not be LESS bonded.
TL;DR version: I agreed with you until I found out what amazing sex is really actually like. Now I think you're completely wrong.
I'm not going to contest other stuff you wrote because I don't want to enter complicated discussions on stuff I am personally not familiar with. I solely reply to dispel the common story about brain as "biggest" sexual organ. It might be bigger than "that specific body part" in terms of size and thoughts CAN seriously amplify or decrease the arousal, but let's not fool around - one isn't required to "think" or "imagine" stuff in order to get off in general and the other stimulation is far easier when done in "proper way".
A general rule is that the "main factor" is rather related to you-know-what. One may be extremely stimulated with sexual content to stimulate the brain and induce a "reaction", while the other person can simply be stimulated with sexual intercourse even while trying to use brain to think of diminish the arousal.
A real dollar question is left for you to answer for yourself: What do you think which stimulation will be stronger? Oh and if you want to throw in some specific circumstances to counter the general rule, here's another one - there is a point after which the arousal can NOT be stopped, no matter what kind of de-stimulating stuff you try to use and no matter how well you are "versed" to keep control over your body. This generally doesn't happen due to "mental stimulation", although it can happen indeed... but it's way more usual with "physical" stuff.
In short, regarding bold part - you are trying to switch the rare exception into a general rule.
This is why it's so much important to "better" one's "skills" not just the attentiveness. One can be all good and attentive but simply fail because of the "inability to deliver" and it'll generally expected to cause a serious rift in a relationship.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,989,150 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweet Like Sugar
Sure. They care so much that they can't wait until after a terminally ill partner dies to go get their "needs" met.
It has been many years with that one person, they guy just keeps keeping along, though it is ultimately terminal
And you make it sound like it is necessarily as negative thing for their agreeing to this. Not everyone is necessarily married to monogamy, and not everyone is willing to wait years to have sex. Many women I know won't go more than a month or two and haven't for decades.
What if you were dating an amazing guy for a,year and then due to an accident it was determined that he could never have intercourse again, would you leave him?
I've stayed in such a relationship. (It was illness, not accident) I honestly can't say that I would be able to do it again, especially in a case where it was a relatively short relationship.
there is a point after which the arousal can NOT be stopped, no matter what kind of de-stimulating stuff you try to use and no matter how well you are "versed" to keep control over your body. This generally doesn't happen due to "mental stimulation", although it can happen indeed... but it's way more usual with "physical" stuff.
.
Am I really reading that right??
Sure is mentally de-stimulating when her Dad or husband walks in on you.(as a for instance)
It has been many years with that one person, they guy just keeps keeping along, though it is ultimately terminal
And you make it sound like it is necessarily as negative thing for their agreeing to this. Not everyone is necessarily married to monogamy, and not everyone is willing to wait years to have sex. Many women I know won't go more than a month or two and haven't for decades.
Sure, if both people agree to the arrangement or discuss it beforehand, that's their business. But if not, I don't think that just because you were accustomed to an active sex life that you should think you have a right to continue that with other people just because your partner becomes sexually disabled. Sure, you might be miserable, but if you're committed to staying with your partner and your partner doesn't approve of any "extracurricular activities", then you need to go without sex with other people or leave the relationship.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,989,150 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweet Like Sugar
Sure, if both people agree to the arrangement or discuss it beforehand, that's their business. But if not, I don't think that just because you we're accustomed to an active sex life that you should think you have a right to continue that with other people just because your partner becomes sexually disabled. Sure, you might be miserable, but if you're committed to staying with your partner and your partner doesn't approve of any "extracurricular activities", then you need to go without sex with other people or leave the relationship.
Well, Dan Savage would disagree I think. I don't think I could really have a strong opinion until I faced the situation.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Lol
