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reading all the post i gota say something, as a man going through a divorce right now and separated. i can agree with most of the comments here i would say the same thing BUT here is my situation. not even 2-3 weeks after my wife told me to hit the road she was already falling for another man. he knows all about whats going on, in fact its been a month now and i go to our apartment, my name is still on the papers, to see my kids and i use the bath room up stairs i found the other guys body wash and underwear. i know they are probably having sex already.
NOW I am ready to move on now that i know there is no way i could fix things with her and come to terms with all of it. we still talk as friends and 2 mature adults with 3 kids. i am getting my life back in order and looking for friends, nothing more. is it wrong for me to be to want a female friend, who knows whats going on not holding any thing back, and if feelings should grow then so be it.
reading all the post i gota say something, as a man going through a divorce right now and separated. i can agree with most of the comments here i would say the same thing BUT here is my situation. not even 2-3 weeks after my wife told me to hit the road she was already falling for another man. he knows all about whats going on, in fact its been a month now and i go to our apartment, my name is still on the papers, to see my kids and i use the bath room up stairs i found the other guys body wash and underwear. i know they are probably having sex already.
NOW I am ready to move on now that i know there is no way i could fix things with her and come to terms with all of it. we still talk as friends and 2 mature adults with 3 kids. i am getting my life back in order and looking for friends, nothing more. is it wrong for me to be to want a female friend, who knows whats going on not holding any thing back, and if feelings should grow then so be it.
Although you've dragged up a thread which is over two years old, the advice given on it is still relevant and I can only repeat what I said then.
To answer your particular question, of course it's not wrong for you to want to be with "a female friend, who knows whats going on not holding any thing back, and if feelings should grow then so be it."
The point is that even though you may not recognize it, you're in a very vulnerable position right now with all the turmoil you've had to deal with and you're going to go through a lot of changes in the next couple of years. Before you can successfully be with someone else again you have to learn to live comfortably in your own skin and not confuse being alone with being lonely.
You might think about going into therapy either individual or group to get on track and start to cultivate friends in different circles through maybe some activities in which you've always wanted to participate but haven't been able to for one reason or another.
You're in a rough place right now but first deal with what's going on now and then start on your own healing process before getting involved with anything serious. Good luck!
I've included the list below, but wanted to add my comment, on how extremely shocked I was to see this thread this morning, when I was having a very similar conversation just last night about this.
I am not legally divorced yet. There is a 1 year waiting period in the state of Maryland. We didn't have any children, or joint property. He's as far out of my life as he can be, his previous marriage he ran from, the ex-wife ended up spending more money having the divorce finalized without his signature or cooperation, than she needed to, because he simply ran out and disappeared. He is making no effort to tie this one up either. Without wanting to hijack this thread, I'm trying to see every person as a case by case basis. I just had my heart crushed because a date I had on Sunday (who was divorced himself) did not want anything to do with me because I was still technically "some other guy's wife". I don't know how many times it felt like he was stabbing me in the stomach when he said that.. because it did a number on me. My ex was mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive and manipulative to me, and every day that I'm gone I get down on my knees and thank God for having the family to support me through when I left him. I can survive on my own, but I am lonely.
This thread supports the notion that you should not involve yourself with anyone that the divorce is not finalized with, because "at any point" the couple could reunite and reconcile their relationship. Can this not be said of couples that weren't married? With that same notion, you shouldn't date anyone that had a previous serious relationship... because "at any point" the couple could reunite and reconcile their relationship as well.
I don't think you can set the same precedents for everyone. I for one, will play the devil's advocate here, in saying there is no right or wrong answer. Because I for one, cry myself to sleep at night lately, wondering if being previously (and regrettably continually) married to the worst mistake of my life, will indeed be one I continue to pay for the rest of my life.
To coin a phrase,
Take gentle care.
Alabama- No statutory requirement
Alaska- No statutory requirement
Arizona- No statutory requirement
Arkansas- 18 months prior to decree
California -No statutory requirement
Colorado- No statutory requirement
Connecticut- 18 months before filing
Delaware- 6 months prior to decree
District of Columbia- 6 months before filing
Florida- No statutory requirement
Georgia- No statutory requirement
Hawaii- No statutory requirement
Idaho- No statutory requirement
Illinois- 6 months prior to decree
Indiana- No statutory requirement
Iowa- No statutory requirement
Kansas- No statutory requirement
Kentucky- 60 days prior to decree
Louisiana- 180 days before filing
Maine- No statutory requirement
Maryland- 12 months before filing
Massachusetts- No statutory requirement
Michigan- No statutory requirement
Minnesota- No statutory requirement
Mississippi- No statutory requirement
Missouri- No statutory requirement
Montana- 180 days before filing
Nebraska- No statutory requirement
Nevada- 1 year before filing
New Hampshire- No statutory requirement
New Jersey- 18 months prior to decree
New Mexico- No statutory requirement
New York- 1 year prior to decree
North Carolina- 1 year prior to decree
North Dakota- No statutory requirement
Ohio- 1 year prior to decree
Oklahoma- No statutory requirement
Oregon- No statutory requirement
Pennsylvania- No statutory requirement
Rhode Island- No statutory requirement
South Carolina- 1 year prior to decree
South Dakota- No statutory requirement
Tennessee- No statutory requirement
Texas- No statutory requirement
Utah- No statutory requirement
Vermont- 6 months prior to decree
Virginia- 6 months prior to decree
Washington- No statutory requirement
West Virginia- 1 year prior to decree
Wisconsin- No statutory requirement
Wyoming- No statutory requirement
My xhusband had an adulterous two year relationship prior to my filing for divorce; their daughter was born the month before I filed...I had a two year old and a three and a half year old at the time. It was a very emotional time for everyone but in no way was I wanting to keep this man.
Not to hijack the thread either, but every divorce is different.
Nothing is for certain in relationships and if you don't take chances in life, you might miss the love of a lifetime.
I have a friend who met someone who has been separated for several months but is not yet divorced. They seem to like each other and he has hinted at taking her out on a date.
I have some friends in common with this man and I've heard that his ex-wife is pushing hard through their kids to reconcile with him but that he's not biting.
So is it a good idea for my friend to go out with him or should she hold off until his divorce is finalized? I'm not sure when that will be but they can and do happen quickly in our state.
I'm inclined to say she should wait- with the ex-wife trying to get back into the picture, him dating her would likely create too much drama. Once the legalities are done that chapter will be closed in a sense.
Other thoughts?
She should wait. "I'm going back to my wife" are not what she wants to hear.
If they start dating, his wife can really mess him up in the divorce proceedings. If he and his wife reconcile, she'll be left out in the cold.
reading all the post i gota say something, as a man going through a divorce right now and separated. i can agree with most of the comments here i would say the same thing BUT here is my situation. not even 2-3 weeks after my wife told me to hit the road she was already falling for another man. he knows all about whats going on, in fact its been a month now and i go to our apartment, my name is still on the papers, to see my kids and i use the bath room up stairs i found the other guys body wash and underwear. i know they are probably having sex already.
NOW I am ready to move on now that i know there is no way i could fix things with her and come to terms with all of it. we still talk as friends and 2 mature adults with 3 kids. i am getting my life back in order and looking for friends, nothing more. is it wrong for me to be to want a female friend, who knows whats going on not holding any thing back, and if feelings should grow then so be it.
Sir.
I just read your comments here & I too am divorced as from June 23rd '09.
I want to say that you are not alone my friend & it's good to hear that you like me have moved on. My divorce came about as a result of my ex was gambling away the house repayments, I was working niteshifts (now retired) & come home bout 9 am only to find her sitting watching T.V ,smoking & drinking coffee. I asked for a Divorce cause I could'nt take it any longer & besides I found some one else who happens to have the same last name as myself (not related) I met her over the Internet in 2004 & since then we've e-mailed,spoken by phone (twice dailey)& I asked her to marry me & she's accepted. The problem lies that she's still married & both her & her husband live & sleep seperate lives but her family believe that things are ok. She's living as a housekeeper,cook,cleaner & bill payer & not as a wife & she's asked him for a divorced & he said no. He's alot older than her & I'm 7 years her Jr.I travelled to the U.S mid '09 & we finally met after 6 years of not meeting in person & my heart just sank with happiness when I held her for the first time her eyes all puffed up with tears & I knew as soon as I met her that she was the one for me. My home got sold & the stipulation upon the Divorce was that she recieved 47% of all my money including my Super (retirement money) I had to agree cause if I continued the legal bills would've escalated. I am now debt free & would love to come & buy a home & live in Arizona cause they say that it's the sister state of Victoria & the prices of homes are affordable.
Hope that you are well
Take care & be well
starman53
Australia
I just read your comments here & I too am divorced as from June 23rd '09.
I want to say that you are not alone my friend & it's good to hear that you like me have moved on. My divorce came about as a result of my ex was gambling away the house repayments, I was working niteshifts (now retired) & come home bout 9 am only to find her sitting watching T.V ,smoking & drinking coffee. I asked for a Divorce cause I could'nt take it any longer & besides I found some one else who happens to have the same last name as myself (not related) I met her over the Internet in 2004 & since then we've e-mailed,spoken by phone (twice dailey)& I asked her to marry me & she's accepted. The problem lies that she's still married & both her & her husband live & sleep seperate lives but her family believe that things are ok. She's living as a housekeeper,cook,cleaner & bill payer & not as a wife & she's asked him for a divorced & he said no. He's alot older than her & I'm 7 years her Jr.I travelled to the U.S mid '09 & we finally met after 6 years of not meeting in person & my heart just sank with happiness when I held her for the first time her eyes all puffed up with tears & I knew as soon as I met her that she was the one for me. My home got sold & the stipulation upon the Divorce was that she recieved 47% of all my money including my Super (retirement money) I had to agree cause if I continued the legal bills would've escalated. I am now debt free & would love to come & buy a home & live in Arizona cause they say that it's the sister state of Victoria & the prices of homes are affordable.
Hope that you are well
Take care & be well
starman53
Australia
Maybe your wife was gambling because she was depressed, given that you were having an emotional affair with another woman for 5 years. Sounds like you got off easy with the 47%.
Maybe your wife was gambling because she was depressed, given that you were having an emotional affair with another woman for 5 years. Sounds like you got off easy with the 47%.
starman53: I find it curious that the woman you're involved with "asked" her husband for a divorce and he refused. If she wants out of the marriage why doesn't SHE file for it? Divorce is by no means as difficult as it was years ago but maybe the status quo of running the house and carrying on what is basically a fantasy internet relationship simply suits her.
I hope the 47% that your ex-wife received left you with sufficient means to be able to live in the US but you might want to check the US immigration laws before you get too carried away. If you go to the "Legal Immigration" forum on CD you'll find a link to the USCIS website in the first "sticky" on that page which will explain all the requirements. It's not quite as simple as just buying a house and moving. Cheers!
i found out my soon to be ex wife told my soon to be sister in law that she wants to date other people, and this was a week before she WROTE me a note. I know i am at fault for the marriage going bad but it takes 2 and she admitted to me one night when my depression was at a all time high she kept a lot of things from me and he fault was lack of communication, mine, lack of work. so it isnt a bitter divorce and i do want her to be happy and we came to some agreements on how the kids, 3 of them, are number one and come first above any thing else and that as responsible mature parents, living apart, we would still talk about the kids so we both know what is going on and still talk to each other as friends.
NOW this is where i am confused, ladys, gents help me out here.
at my sons party i was upset but when no one was around just me an her... she held my hand was giving me hugs an gave me a few kisses on the head. this happens any time i am upset and beating my self up for failing my wife(ex) and my children to give them a happy stable home. an here is where i am very lost, we have all had a ex and its natural to say i love you... and if talking to that person its almost instinct to say it but we catch our self's. she says we r friends only but there has been times "i love yous" have been said.
i dont know about all of you but ive never had a friend who says i love you, and hold my hand or hugs me when im upset.
feed back please, and yes she is with her new boy friend and what i said above has happened. i am trying to move forward but all this has me on a roller coaster and i dont wana be like some most of you warn about and meat a new women and then say "hey never mind my ex wife wants to get back together now".
i found out my soon to be ex wife told my soon to be sister in law that she wants to date other people, and this was a week before she WROTE me a note. I know i am at fault for the marriage going bad but it takes 2 and she admitted to me one night when my depression was at a all time high she kept a lot of things from me and he fault was lack of communication, mine, lack of work. so it isnt a bitter divorce and i do want her to be happy and we came to some agreements on how the kids, 3 of them, are number one and come first above any thing else and that as responsible mature parents, living apart, we would still talk about the kids so we both know what is going on and still talk to each other as friends.
NOW this is where i am confused, ladys, gents help me out here.
at my sons party i was upset but when no one was around just me an her... she held my hand was giving me hugs an gave me a few kisses on the head. this happens any time i am upset and beating my self up for failing my wife(ex) and my children to give them a happy stable home. an here is where i am very lost, we have all had a ex and its natural to say i love you... and if talking to that person its almost instinct to say it but we catch our self's. she says we r friends only but there has been times "i love yous" have been said.
i dont know about all of you but ive never had a friend who says i love you, and hold my hand or hugs me when im upset.
feed back please, and yes she is with her new boy friend and what i said above has happened. i am trying to move forward but all this has me on a roller coaster and i dont wana be like some most of you warn about and meat a new women and then say "hey never mind my ex wife wants to get back together now".
I still love my ex-husband, though I have ZERO desire to be with him. Most of us can't just switch it on and off. It's possible she still loves you but doesn't want to be married to you anymore.
Given what you say here and your previous post, it doesn't sound like you should be dating in any serious manner.
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Hi
