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I think that if a person decides that dating a single parent isn't for them, that is perfectly okay.
If dealing with someone else's kids scares you it is much better not to pursue a relationship with someone who has them.
The kids are the losers so many times in these situations when their parents hook up with people who don't care for their kids.
OP, why would you want to date any men who had reservations about dating a single mom...isn't it better for you and your kids they aren't wasting your time?
Oh, his text wasn't asking to see me naked... he made a comment about how I, "look good naked." It was in response to me commenting on working out harder because I want to look great by summer. And he does have interest in me as a person... he asks me how my family is doing, my daughter, etc. He just likes to talk about himself a whole lot more. Like I said, I don't think he even knows my middle name or my home state--yet he drove me around town sharing all the places he grew up, reminiscing old times of his childhood with me, etc. It's like he's talking to himself but I am there.
But the short of it all is I was way more into him than him into me. You are right that I am still stuck in a bit of a fantasy about him... I need to snap out of it and I am trying to figure that out. That's why I am considering no contact with him for a while (until the feelings for him fade and we can go back to being friends). I also suspect you are right about him being broken as well (he's very much stuck in the past with his ex-wife having cheated on him and his (later) fiancee leaving him as well). It's a shame because deep down, he is a good man.
The weird thing is, I don't doubt my self worth... except when it comes to men and relationships. I am an awesome mother. My child makes straight As and is in the gifted and talented program at school as well as advanced math and science. She's also considered a "good citizen" at school (well behaved). She's happy. I have a great job (I am just shy of making six figures ... maybe in a few years). I own my home (well, 30% of it according to the bank), am debt free other than the mortgage and I have a lot of fun hobbies like scuba diving, distance swimming, gardening, and RPGs. I volunteer with scouting. I have a large, close family and friends I've had since high school! I am very happy with my life--it couldn't be better. But I do get lonely at times... think I would like a man in my life to share things with. But very few seem interested in me (hence, I feel I have little to offer men).
Part of my problem is I don't fall for men easily. It takes me a long time to like a man in romantic fashion. But when I do fall for him, I fall pretty hard and it's hard for me to shake it and move on later.
It seems like the guys you fall for are just not good candidates. I'm in the same boat and I had to change how I dated. Of my (4) prior relationships, all of them got seriously involved or engaged/married to the next guy after me. I can have excuses for why all those relationships ended, but in the end I was the common denominator. 3/4 women were actually good women for me and would have made great wives. For various reasons, I chose to focus on other things and not them.
I've really been reflecting the last 14 months of why my relationships ended. Most of the time it was because I was overly selfish. I had to change that and be willing to make someone else a focal point in my life. It only gets harder as we age, because we accumulate so much on our own or with another person we failed in a relationship with.
Keep your head up and keep pressing forward. Have you ever fallen for a guy rather quickly or has it always been a long drawn out process? I would imagine as we age, what worked as a long drawn out process, may not always be sound advice. Long and drawn out works better as we age, because we have less available time to get to know each other. In the end, it's easy for someone to mask and harbor a not so pleasant side of themselves.
I agree with this, but having children of your own does actually allow for travel more than having someone else's child to contend with.
For example, I wanted to take a vacation with someone, but their ex would not allow the child to leave the county without her permission. Even then, we were not allowed to go more than x miles with the child without her written permission...
So traveling can be a bit of a drag if you want to take the child with you. Not all the time, but yes, sometimes it can be an issue. Not a big enough one to let it persuade you away from dating a single parent however.
I am on the fence about whether to date a single dad though, to be completely honest. There are a lot of factors. Primarily, do they want more children. What involvement does their mother have. What involvement would I have if this got serious. Would moving be an option. How would travel work. What the visitation agreement if any is. It's a lot to figure out, and I'd like to know up front, while some people might find this an invasion of privacy, I'd want to know this before meeting the kid.
Dating a single parent can be extremely difficult. You mention the drama issues but there's also the financial factors. For example in some states your salary could determine if he pays more and you could find yourself supporting his ex and his kids. There's of course the issues with having to be flexible as well. I dated single dads in the past, saw it didn't work for me and decided never to do so again.
My issues were never with the kids or dealing with them. I like kids so I never had a problem dealing with his kids. My issues were strictly the dealings with the ex and knowing she would always be there and a reminder that he experienced something I never have and may never.
It seems like the guys you fall for are just not good candidates. I'm in the same boat and I had to change how I dated. Of my (4) prior relationships, all of them got seriously involved or engaged/married to the next guy after me. I can have excuses for why all those relationships ended, but in the end I was the common denominator. 3/4 women were actually good women for me and would have made great wives. For various reasons, I chose to focus on other things and not them.
I've really been reflecting the last 14 months of why my relationships ended. Most of the time it was because I was overly selfish. I had to change that and be willing to make someone else a focal point in my life. It only gets harder as we age, because we accumulate so much on our own or with another person we failed in a relationship with.
Keep your head up and keep pressing forward. Have you ever fallen for a guy rather quickly or has it always been a long drawn out process? I would imagine as we age, what worked as a long drawn out process, may not always be sound advice. Long and drawn out works better as we age, because we have less available time to get to know each other. In the end, it's easy for someone to mask and harbor a not so pleasant side of themselves.
If you are saying my "picker" is broken... you are probably right. I've questioned that myself.
It's good that you see things in yourself to change. I know there must be something I need to change up too, but I haven't figured out what it is yet. That's why I mentioned in another thread that I think I am going to just take a break from dating (searching) and just focus on myself and learn more about me.
I've never fallen for a guy quickly. It's part of the reason I argue so much in those threads that say all women care about is looks. I really do have to learn a man's personality first and then I can fall for him. None of the men I've fallen for have been "lookers" in the classic sense. And learning about a person is always a longer process.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jillabean
I've never fallen for a guy quickly. It's part of the reason I argue so much in those threads that say all women care about is looks. I really do have to learn a man's personality first and then I can fall for him. None of the men I've fallen for have been "lookers" in the classic sense. And learning about a person is always a longer process.
I've been infatuated quickly. But that isn't falling in love. That takes time, real time. Too often I think I, and I know some of my friends, fall in love with the idea of who they think the person is, or the idea of the relationship, but those are often far cries from reality.
That is what I fear is what if I like her kid more than her but feel like I want to make the relationship work so I stay longer than I should . I feel it is not fair time or her seeing we both deserve someone that will make us happy.
Not so, I will always make sure me woman comes first the her child/children. ANY man can have a child/children, but a TRUE man puts that child/children first before his selfish needs.
this is a very interesting thread. the only way i can try to understand the unhappiness factor is that when expectations of what has been promised as our future, and what are our rights, are not fulfilled , people will always get angry.
i think a whole lot of people would have been better off if they had stayed married instead of trying to sort out their lives with children after a divorce. not everybody but for many-- i think the massive exit from marriage after no fault divorce law, was a mistake.
with kids, its just very very difficult, for all concerned.
If you are saying my "picker" is broken... you are probably right. I've questioned that myself.
It's good that you see things in yourself to change. I know there must be something I need to change up too, but I haven't figured out what it is yet. That's why I mentioned in another thread that I think I am going to just take a break from dating (searching) and just focus on myself and learn more about me.
I've never fallen for a guy quickly. It's part of the reason I argue so much in those threads that say all women care about is looks. I really do have to learn a man's personality first and then I can fall for him. None of the men I've fallen for have been "lookers" in the classic sense. And learning about a person is always a longer process.
Taking some time to get to know yourself is going to be a good thing. Getting over your fantasy will do wonders.
this is a very interesting thread. the only way i can try to understand the unhappiness factor is that when expectations of what has been promised as our future, and what are our rights, are not fulfilled , people will always get angry.
i think a whole lot of people would have been better off if they had stayed married instead of trying to sort out their lives with children after a divorce. not everybody but for many-- i think the massive exit from marriage after no fault divorce law, was a mistake.
with kids, its just very very difficult, for all concerned.
I have to agree. I do understand the divorces for things like abuse or infidelity but many cases it's something else. I've come across men who divorced because their wife got fat, because they got bored and many other lame reasons. What would make me mad is so many of these men would expect me to bend for them and would get mad when I rejected them. I think they assumed that they could carry issues and expect anyone they were interested in to be interested in them.
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... maybe in a few years). I own my home (well, 30% of it according to the bank), am debt free other than the mortgage and I have a lot of fun hobbies like scuba diving, distance swimming, gardening, and RPGs. I volunteer with scouting. I have a large, close family and friends I've had since high school! I am very happy with my life--it couldn't be better. But I do get lonely at times... think I would like a man in my life to share things with. But very few seem interested in me (hence, I feel I have little to offer men).
