Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Incidentally, you will still have the complicated and emotionally difficult task of hashing out custody and child support. You can't pre-nup that away.
I'm not sure why you are stuck on this? I'm not addressing or debating this issue.
For the most part I have yet to meet a woman that thinks like me, they all want the status symbol of marriage. It's just not my style. That doesn't mean I'm a cheating crazy male looking to destroy the lives of women, one woman at a time. It means it just isn't my style.
There are a few women that carry the same mindset as myself, it was the reason I posted this in the first place. Now knowing this it makes me feel a little bit better.
Anybody who's iffy on their capacity for long-term committment shouldn't entertain the thought of becoming a parent, whether through conventional means, adoption, whatever. Having children is pretty much the ultimate in long-term commitment, and if that's not for you, you're probably gonna feel pretty trapped by the role of parenting.
Also, if you really do think that "the human psyche isn't made to cope with strong emotions," I wouldn't recommend having children. Because even more so than in marriage, your kids are your kids, for better and for worse, in sickness and in health. If you have a child who is emotionally troubled, has developmental disabilities, develops a serious illness, etc., your psyche better be able to cope with the strong emotions that will arise. Your options for just bailing in these cases are a lot more limited than they are if you're in a marriage or relationship where significant challenges and hardship crop up.
Anybody who's iffy on their capacity for long-term committment shouldn't entertain the thought of becoming a parent, whether through conventional means, adoption, whatever. Having children is pretty much the ultimate in long-term commitment, and if that's not for you, you're probably gonna feel pretty trapped by the role of parenting.
Also, if you really do think that "the human psyche isn't made to cope with strong emotions," I wouldn't recommend having children. Because even more so than in marriage, your kids are your kids, for better and for worse, in sickness and in health. If you have a child who is emotionally troubled, has developmental disabilities, develops a serious illness, etc., your psyche better be able to cope with the strong emotions that will arise. Your options for just bailing in these cases are a lot more limited than they are if you're in a marriage or relationship where significant challenges and hardship crop up.
I did leave that a bit broad. Let's say they were otherwise emotions that the average joe wouldn't even think about, let alone live through. So in regards to children, yes it takes emotional stability, but that isn't what I was addressing.
I made it clear I wouldn't mind a long term relationship, the debate is whether or not I want to be married or unmarried.
I'm not sure why you are stuck on this? I'm not addressing or debating this issue.
For the most part I have yet to meet a woman that thinks like me, they all want the status symbol of marriage. It's just not my style. That doesn't mean I'm a cheating crazy male looking to destroy the lives of women, one woman at a time. It means it just isn't my style.
There are a few women that carry the same mindset as myself, it was the reason I posted this in the first place. Now knowing this it makes me feel a little bit better.
I think people are pointing out these things because while you may think you find a woman on the same page as you, sometimes people change... or they aren't the person you thought they were. That's how I got burned in my divorce from my Ex husband. You have to assume the worst along with your ideal scenario to get a true perspective of how things will turn out. Especially when children are in the mix because they are there for life--and you will be dealing with their mother for at least 18 years no matter what happens.
There are women who carry the same mindset as you. It's not common, but it's out there. I read an article about such a family recently--but I'll be darned if I can find it. Although in that case, the parents didn't live with each other either--they got together to have a child, share custody and there is support... so it's like what a divorced family would be like, but they never actually got married or ever lived together.
I did leave that a bit broad. Let's say they were otherwise emotions that the average joe wouldn't even think about, let alone live through. So in regards to children, yes it takes emotional stability, but that isn't what I was addressing.
I made it clear I wouldn't mind a long term relationship, the debate is whether or not I want to be married or unmarried.
There's nothing to debate. You've stated what you want: You want kids, but you don't want to marry their mother. You asked if it would be difficult to find a woman open to that.
The answer, as many on this thread have stated, is yes, it will be difficult to find a woman who is open to that.
JrzDefector said it beautifully:
Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector
I'm indifferent to marriage. But I may decide I want to have a child one day. If I had a partner who wanted to have a kid with me and live with me and form a family, you can be damn sure I would demand marriage. I asked one of my gay friends years ago why he cared so much about marriage, and he responded that there were over 400 legal rights and privileges that were afforded married couples vs. unmarried couples. Now, if it's just two adults living side by side, I don't really care - I take care of everything I need with no problem. But some guy says "let's have a kid!"? I'm gonna ask him when we're getting married. I don't care about those 400+ rights and privileges for myself, but my kid had better have all of those benefits at their disposal.
Most women are going to have that kind of protective instinct about their children. When you have kids, it's not just about you and what you want anymore, a point you seem to be missing, MJ.
I've read this entire thread. You have stated you do not want to marry, have been against LTR, are not sure you could remain faithful and your honesty is appreciated.
You also stated you want a child and I haven't come across a man wanting to bare children that wasn't married. I'm not judging you at all.
Personally, if you want a child so bad, you have three options only:
1- Adoption
2- Surrogacy
3- Get a dog, they're the perpetual 5 year old and lots of fun.
I'm not saying you can not have a child, I am saying you won't find a woman who will do so with you, premeditated, without marriage. Isn't going to happen, unless she is as dumb as a box of rocks and thinks you will eventually change your mind and marry her. That, will lead to nothing good and you won't be in any position that is easier, less painful, less stressful or not incurring money to dissolve and you will be tied to her forever due to the child.
If your desire to be a father is so great, choose one of the options above and know this, that child will be yours and yours alone. You will be responsible for it's every need, want, pain, education....everything.
I'm not sure why you are stuck on this? I'm not addressing or debating this issue.
For the most part I have yet to meet a woman that thinks like me, they all want the status symbol of marriage. It's just not my style. That doesn't mean I'm a cheating crazy male looking to destroy the lives of women, one woman at a time. It means it just isn't my style.
There are a few women that carry the same mindset as myself, it was the reason I posted this in the first place. Now knowing this it makes me feel a little bit better.
For the most part I have yet to meet a woman that thinks like me, they all want the status symbol of marriage. It's just not my style. That doesn't mean I'm a cheating crazy male looking to destroy the lives of women, one woman at a time. It means it just isn't my style.
Is it really about status, or is it about commitment? My sister recently got married to her long-distance boyfriend because she wanted to know that if she was going to quit her job, leave her family and friends, sell her house, etc. to move across to the country to be with him this summer, that he's all in as well. It's the idea of officially saying "this is real, this is legal, and we're in this together" that was important to her, not to be Mrs. Lastname.
If you aren't willing to commit to marriage then you shouldn't commit to having kids. You actually think a woman will bear you children when you obviously don't want a long term relationship? How's that work? Honey, I want a couple of kids but you...not so much. Kids need consistency and someone who'll be there for them for the duration.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
