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While I agree you can have kids without getting married, marriage isn't "just" a piece of paper that makes it harder for a partner to walk out. While it is true that walking away is harder when married, there is a reason so many people are fighting to this day to have the right to marry. There are a lot of benefits to marriage that unmarried people do not get. In other words, gay groups aren't spending millions in legal battles to win the right to a piece of paper that just makes it harder for them to break up.
For example, if his live-in girlfriend and mother of his kids gets into an accident and dies, he could very well lose his kids to their maternal grandparents and lose half of the community property in his house to his girlfriend's family. Even if she has a will and signs one in front of him, nothing is stopping her from going the next day and making a new will leaving everything to her parents of a sibling. He could lose collecting on her life insurance (which would help pay for her half of the children's expenses) and he would be stuck with paying for everything if he even gets custody. And even if she doesn't make a new will, wills can be contested by her "real" next of kin. It happens to gay couples all the time and they lose everything because they aren't married.
Of course, that's an extreme... but there are also day-to-day benefits. For example, filing married for tax purposes and child tax credits. There are also a lot of child custody rights tied in with marriage (if things go south and he still wants contact with his kids). There are medical coverage concerns for his children as well... not just insurance but legal rights when it comes to medical care.
That's why I say (just looking at this from the OPs best interests and putting aside the psychological issues for children that others brought up) that it's really a very complex issue--legally and financially. It's not black and white. And the OP should read about and be informed of all laws in his state because *he* might be better off as a married father than unmarried.
But he stated he does not want to be married. This is an example of why marriage needs to stop being held on this pedestal it really doesn't deserve. The benefits married people get are a form of discrimination against singles, but that is a topic for another thread.
Just because he agrees with you doesn't make him right. I'm thinking what the two of you know about marriage or raising children could fit on the head of a pin.
Tell you what. When several guys who have actually raised well-adjusted children to adulthood come on here and tell you to go for it, then listen to them. But, as it stands, those of us who have actually walked the walk are pretty much saying collectively that you have no clue what raising children actually entails.
Sure I do, my mother raised myself and my older brother, she graduated graduate school while pregnant with me. She is a very strong woman that I learn much from even to this day. I have long lengthy conversations with her about how she did it and I heed her advice.
Is that different from actually raising children, absolutely. I'm rather disappointed with your accusations and my opinion of the matter. Instead of saying I'm wrong, and that my knowledge of raising children could fit on the head of pin, why not be constructive and give advice? Why be so negative?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110
I get the sense that the OP is not interested in considering what people have to say as much as finding a pack of me-toos.
I have read the perspectives and most are all microcosms of what others experience in their own lives. I'm not her to get those details. There are many different reasons people get married and do not get married. I'm not talking about stringing a woman along for the ride to disappoint her, I'm merely seeing if my view is shared. And it is shared by some. I understand and respect your decision to get married first, however, I disagree that marriage is a prerequisite for a happy family/child.
Sure I do, my mother raised myself and my older brother, she graduated graduate school while pregnant with me. She is a very strong woman that I learn much from even to this day. I have long lengthy conversations with her about how she did it and I heed her advice.
Is that different from actually raising children, absolutely. I'm rather disappointed with your accusations and my opinion of the matter. Instead of saying I'm wrong, and that my knowledge of raising children could fit on the head of pin, why not be constructive and give advice? Why be so negative?
I have read the perspectives are all microcosms of what others experience in their own lives. I'm not her to get those details. There are many different reasons people get married and do not get married. I'm not talking about stringing a woman along for the ride to disappoint her, I'm merely seeing if my view is shared. And it is shared by some. I understand and respect your decision to get married first, however, I disagree that marriage is a prerequisite for a happy family/child.
The prerequisite for a happy family/child is stability. And it doesn't seem that you are interested in providing stability. You seem to have a rather selfish view of having a family and many of us are trying to point that out to you.
The prerequisite for a happy family/child is stability. And it doesn't seem that you are interested in providing stability. You seem to have a rather selfish view of having a family and many of us are trying to point that out to you.
How do I seem selfish? Where do I show instability in this thread?
Selfish would be me telling a woman I was going to marry her, then string her along for a ride that involved children and me never marrying her. I'VE ALREADY STATED TIME AND TIME AGAIN I WILL NEVER DO THAT, IT IS NOT MY INTENT. Instead, I have this discussion early on with women. I'm on this thread seeing if others feel the same way about marriage as I do, and yes, people do.
I'm disappointed with some of your feedback as a majority on the matter. None of you know me, yet I state that I'm not here to damage or mislead women into giving birth to children.
I understand, the majority of women (at least in my experience) want to get married, period. I do not, is it really that hard to understand this? I believe this fear is shared by many women, which ultimately scares them off from wanting to continue dating me. It's rather unfortunate for them I suppose.
The prerequisite for a happy family/child is stability. And it doesn't seem that you are interested in providing stability. You seem to have a rather selfish view of having a family and many of us are trying to point that out to you.
Being married does not make anyone any more stable than being single.
Don't want to get married but have kids....that's cool. It's your life. Do whatever you want. I don't understand why people are cramming marriage down your throat like it's a requirement to have kids. Is it harder to find a women who doesn't want marriage but want kids? Not really, in my opinion. Im sure they're plenty of women that want the same as you.
How do I seem selfish? Where do I show instability in this thread?
Selfish would be me telling a woman I was going to marry her, then string her along for a ride that involved children and me never marrying her. I'VE ALREADY STATED TIME AND TIME AGAIN I WILL NEVER DO THAT, IT IS NOT MY INTENT. Instead, I have this discussion early on with women. I'm on this thread seeing if others feel the same way about marriage as I do, and yes, people do.
I'm disappointed with some of your feedback as a majority on the matter. None of you know me, yet I state that I'm not here to damage or mislead women into giving birth to children.
I understand, the majority of women (at least in my experience) want to get married, period. I do not, is it really that hard to understand this?
Why are you disappointed with our feedback? Those of us that have children are telling you that we would not do it with out marriage. Why is that disappointing to you? I think the only people that agree with you are also single men with no children. Does that tell you something?
Don't want to get married but have kids....that's cool. It's your life. Do whatever you want. I don't understand why people are cramming marriage down your throat like it's a requirement to have kids. Is it harder to find a women who doesn't want marriage but want kids? Not really, in my opinion. Im sure they're plenty of women that want the same as you.
Sure I do, my mother raised myself and my older brother, she graduated graduate school while pregnant with me. She is a very strong woman that I learn much from even to this day. I have long lengthy conversations with her about how she did it and I heed her advice.
Is that different from actually raising children, absolutely. I'm rather disappointed with your accusations and my opinion of the matter. Instead of saying I'm wrong, and that my knowledge of raising children could fit on the head of pin, why not be constructive and give advice? Why be so negative?
I have read the perspectives and most are all microcosms of what others experience in their own lives. I'm not her to get those details. There are many different reasons people get married and do not get married. I'm not talking about stringing a woman along for the ride to disappoint her, I'm merely seeing if my view is shared. And it is shared by some. I understand and respect your decision to get married first, however, I disagree that marriage is a prerequisite for a happy family/child.
I'm pretty sure that I used the phrase, "When several guys...."
What's more, I'm sure your mother was a pillar of strength. But have you ever asked her if, given her druthers, she would have preferred to have raised two children in a loving two-parent relationship? What's more, your life experience is the exception, not the rule. The research on this is pretty clear, namely that the children of one-parent households generally have a tougher time in life. So for every person like your mom, there are a lot more where raising children alone was very much a struggle.
And why am I negative? Because I've seen this very scenario play out over and over again. You want to speak in the realm of the theoretical, while I have seen the brutal reality of how it plays out. I have seen the emotional problems, the substance abuse, the poor educational performance, the suicides, and a host of other ills. To be sure, these can happen in two-parent households, too. But the odds of them happening in single-parent households are much, much higher.
In that sense, I'm doing you the biggest favor in the world. I'm pointing out the manifest lack of wisdom on your part by ignoring advice from those who have actually been through this.
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