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Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,763,058 times
Reputation: 41381
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Formerly Known As Twenty
Last night, I received word that my former spouse had died.
It's odd when something that you expected to happen, happens and hard to know just what to feel; what I have the right to feel. It's the shock of feeling cold wetness down upon you when a bucket of ice water has been hanging overhead for years, i.e., you knew that it was coming, but the actual happening of it still hits with an "oomf."
Sadness is definitely there, but right now, it's mostly numbness that I am feeling. As a former spouse, it's not really a loss for me in terms of the usual pallid banalities such as "sorry for your loss." I chose to leave that marriage. This death is bringing back the feelings that I had and thought that I had handled of betraying a friend by choosing to divorce. The truth that my head knows, if not my heart, is that even if I had stayed, I couldn't have saved my ex from himself, his demons, and his own actions.
It's my hope that in the end, he found the peace that he couldn't seem to find in life in his death.
I’m sorry to hear this. I think if I could go back in my mother’s head around the time my father died, her thoughts would sound exactly like yours. Of course, she tried to do the right thing and be supportive since he was my father more than her ex-spouse she hated. I think her focus on getting me through his death helped keep at bay her feelings about him.
Forgive me but I don’t know if you and him shared any children. I don’t think a lot of people who are divorced and have their ex pass on have the luxury of expressing feelings of numbness because they have to focus on their children who just lost their parent and supporting them. It’s probably even harder when you had a feeling that your ex’s choices would lead to destruction but you don’t have the heart to warn your kids. I think of my aunt who raised two of my cousins whose biological father was murdered pretty early in their life because he was in the drug-dealing lifestyle. She didn’t share the fact of her ex’s demons until later in their life. Probably best they were shielded from those facts. With my father’s substance abuse, I wasn’t so fortunate.
FKAT, if I had to put a button on this, I’d say you should feel you made peace with the fact his choices led to his demise and also feel peace that you saved yourself to an extent when your ex would not save himself.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,763,058 times
Reputation: 41381
Quote:
Originally Posted by DontH8Me
What does everyone think of those stories where long-lost loves reconnect after decades and rekindle their flame? I think with the advent of social media, it has become easier for people to reconnect with someone who they haven't been in contact with for many years.
I got to thinking about how I have virtually no one like this in my history, because I only dated one guy briefly in high school before I met my (now deceased ex) husband. The stories I've read are quite interesting, and the connection in many cases is even stronger than when they originally dated in the past.
I’ll state right up front that I consider myself a “professional cynic.” But I strive to be realistic.
That said, I think it is definitely possible that long-lost loves can reconnect and have great relationships. My thing is that I’d be interested in seeing how long these relationships last. Think about it, let’s say you met right out of college, date for a couple of years, break up and lose touch and 30 years pass and y’all bump into each other. You aren’t the same person at 54 you were at 24. You have been through 20 years of life that has shaped you. Probably buried loved ones, raised loved ones, changed careers, eating habits, religious views, adapted to changes in society or chosen not to adapt. It’s a long shot that two people would retain compatibility after all those years enough to be in a long-term happy relationship.
I would think that those relationships are highly susceptible to romanticizing that past relationship 30 years ago instead of being objective about the current relationship. That can cause people who aren’t currently compatible to stay in something that just ain’t meant to be longer than they should.
What does everyone think of those stories where long-lost loves reconnect after decades and rekindle their flame? I think with the advent of social media, it has become easier for people to reconnect with someone who they haven't been in contact with for many years.
I got to thinking about how I have virtually no one like this in my history, because I only dated one guy briefly in high school before I met my (now deceased ex) husband. The stories I've read are quite interesting, and the connection in many cases is even stronger than when they originally dated in the past.
I'm 64 so an early relationship would be way long lost in my case. While I think it's a mistake to think you can turn back the clock or to try to do that, I wonder if people half consciously get a sense of that when they rekindle something.
I saw the world through different eyes then. Not that the world is so ugly now, because I don't see it that way. But it was more full of possibility then. With time a lot of things do become less possible in fact and it would be foolish to act against that reality, but I know in my case somewhere in my 30s I started giving myself permission to error on the side of caution. That effectively renders some things impossible that really aren't. Maybe rekindling with someone who knew us when those possibilities were in front of us helps us see possibilities we had assumed were ashes.
What does everyone think of those stories where long-lost loves reconnect after decades and rekindle their flame? I think with the advent of social media, it has become easier for people to reconnect with someone who they haven't been in contact with for many years.
I got to thinking about how I have virtually no one like this in my history, because I only dated one guy briefly in high school before I met my (now deceased ex) husband. The stories I've read are quite interesting, and the connection in many cases is even stronger than when they originally dated in the past.
I think it's a lovely notion and I know it does work for some people. My stepmother's parents divorced, one of them remarried, they were apart for decades...then the one that remarried got divorced, and the original pair ended up getting married back to one another and death did them part a few years back.
But I can't see it being possible in my case, though there are no shortage of...candidates? I guess? People I had sex with, I'll put it bluntly, at some time during high school or between my two marriages? But the ones from my high school days, I've found several and for the most part they are very disappointing adults. I feel like I got out, I went far in many ways, and most of them stayed put and put down roots in a gritty sort of mediocrity. A couple of them seem dumb as boxes of rocks for grown adults, though they sure didn't seem that way to me when I knew them as boys. Alcoholism and drug abuse have proliferated among that set. I'm just...not impressed with what I've seen. They certainly are not "old flames." I satisfied my curiosity about "hey whatever became of so and so" and feel no desire to connect any further.
Besides which I am really happy with the husband I've got. And I hope that if the future plays out as I vaguely expect (planned in pencil of course)...that when I find myself widowed in my sixties, I'll finally do myself a service and avoid any further attempts at romantic connections. Dwell alone in my own space, travel, maybe make some art or write books, something creative. Live for me. I've always wanted that, and I've never had it.
I dated a guy in college and we were pretty hot and heavy. He transferred to the east coast to attend dental school and I didn’t see him for years. After dental school he moved back to the west coast and we took up where we left. Almost married him until I found out he was a liar and a cheat. I moved to France and last year he died of a drug overdose.
I’d never know hm to use any illegal drugs previous to hearing he’d OD’ed.
I dated a guy in college and we were pretty hot and heavy. He transferred to the east coast to attend dental school and I didn’t see him for years. After dental school he moved back to the west coast and we took up where we left. Almost married him until I found out he was a liar and a cheat. I moved to France and last year he died of a drug overdose.
I’d never know hm to use any illegal drugs previous to hearing he’d OD’ed.
The scary thing is these days is how many people who are accidentally ODing. So many drugs are cut with fentanyl now and there's been an uptick in deaths.
I've dabbled in drugs in my youth as many have but I got to say that I'm just happy with some wine and some vodka cocktails. I'd be terrified to be at some gathering party type thing and just take something from someone and not really know what it is. I suppose it's probably the folly of youth of those who do.
I’m deathly scared of taking drugs. Never even tried pot. It seems fentanyl is in everything.
Iwantcookies too, with a big ass glass of milk.
I'm old enough to remember all of the anti-drug ads of the 80s. The most famous probably being the one with an egg being cracked into a pan and the voice over saying this is your brain on drugs.
I doubt they had much impact on people but who knows.
I think that a certain segment of people are always going to experiment, particularly for people that are young.
I'm old enough to remember all of the anti-drug ads of the 80s. The most famous probably being the one with an egg being cracked into a pan and the voice over saying this is your brain on drugs.
I doubt they had much impact on people but who knows.
I think that a certain segment of people are always going to experiment, particularly for people that are young.
Risky behavior is mostly for young people.
Insurance actuary tables bear this out.
Geez Chow, you had to go and mention actuary tables. Having worked for nearly a decade at an insurance brokerage firm, I wish I didn't know what those were.
I once was watching a game show late at night, and the contestant told the host that he was an actuary. The host didn't have the faintest idea what an actuary does. I want to be that guy, the one who doesn't know what an actuary is.
In case someone has never worked in the insurance industry - yes, it really is that boring and soul-sucking. If you know - well, you know.
What does everyone think of those stories where long-lost loves reconnect after decades and rekindle their flame? I think with the advent of social media, it has become easier for people to reconnect with someone who they haven't been in contact with for many years.
I got to thinking about how I have virtually no one like this in my history, because I only dated one guy briefly in high school before I met my (now deceased ex) husband. The stories I've read are quite interesting, and the connection in many cases is even stronger than when they originally dated in the past.
It happened to me years ago. My high school boyfriend that I dropped when I left for college. He found me through my sister’s Facebook, I don’t do social media -other than this, and only a couple of people here know my name.
My sister had the nerve to give him my phone number. He called and it was his voice that just struck me, reaching out from the past, like the years all fell away. When we met up again we were two different people. I really respected what kind of stable, hard-working Manly Man ()he had been all that time.
We even moved in together.
It only lasted 6 months this second-chance time, when I realized why we didn’t last the first time.
Bo-ring.
But we’re really good friends today, 5 years later, and he even helped me move a few months ago when I was going through a horrible time in my life alone.
I’m glad we reconnected.
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)he had been all that time. 