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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,989,150 times
Reputation: 40635
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AprilFlowers17
I think it's easier for women in this type of situation, because, well....for the most part, a lot of us already have a sense of 'welcoming style' to our place and we can make our abode on fleek without even thinking about it or putting forth much effort into it.
See, I don't think this is a gender thing at all. I think that is a total cop out. I've seen a fair number of bachelor dude's places, and nothing like the one posted, say post early 30s (at the latest) for a guy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BellaLind
If you like your house the way it is and it’s your sense of style, go for it. Enjoy it. But just keep in mind it’s appealing to only a very small subset of the population (and only part of that subset are women and only some of those women are single and looking). So it’s just going to make things more difficult for you. Your choices are leave things as is and accept that it’s going to make it harder to find someone. Or change to be more appealing to a wider audience and cast a bigger net.
You just have to decide what you think is best for you and accept the cons of that choice as well as the pros. And understand this was your choice. The world isn’t against you, women aren’t against you, it’s juat that most people can’t “have it all” and usually make compromises in life, and that includes love life. You set your priorities of what you are sticking to and what you will compromise on. Whatever you choose, I wish you the best!
Exactly. If someone wants their place to be Borg Cube Chic, that's fine, their business, just know it is going to turn off most people, even most alternative people. That's fine, since someone is looking for one in a million, and that one will like it. Good luck finding them.
If you like your house the way it is and it’s your sense of style, go for it. Enjoy it. But just keep in mind it’s appealing to only a very small subset of the population (and only part of that subset are women and only some of those women are single and looking). So it’s just going to make things more difficult for you. Your choices are leave things as is and accept that it’s going to make it harder to find someone. Or change to be more appealing to a wider audience and cast a bigger net.
You just have to decide what you think is best for you and accept the cons of that choice as well as the pros. And understand this was your choice. The world isn’t against you, women aren’t against you, it’s juat that most people can’t “have it all” and usually make compromises in life, and that includes love life. You set your priorities of what you are sticking to and what you will compromise on. Whatever you choose, I wish you the best!
Great points.
The OP's posts also have a tone of having his life set up exactly the way he wants, and expecting that a woman will just be slotted into it and go along with the way he wants and prefers things, as if she has no wishes, desires and preferences of her own. That's not how healthy and functional relationships work. What if she has her own house and doesn't want to live in his, just as one example.
You can be as specific as you like but to expect that anyone you meet will just go along with it is a whole other story.
I agree with you. I think the house is being over blown at this point. Yes, it’s Spartan, but it is neat, clean, looks like it’s in good shape, and I give the OP major props for having it paid off. He’s a smart guy. What needs to be done is the easy part, it’s just cosmetic.
Before a woman even sees the house she’s got to meet and date him. That’s were the problem lies. I don’t think I saw my boyfriend’s house until several weeks into dating. He didn’t see my house until week 2 when he picked me up for a date.
Yeah, the house could look more welcoming (as suggested) in no-time, if he wishes. I dont think, dating is his number one priority these days (being an avid gamer, single and older) - I know the mindset.
You can almost tell immediately what a single persons main hobby is (if any) when you visit their home (its where all the most time, money and effort is put into). In the OP's case, its his computers. Most single- older gamers would always choose gaming over love at any given day. But they do get extremely lonely at times. They have little wiggle room when compromising their living style. I'm guessing, this is why the OP is single and having a difficult time finding the "right" woman.
The way his house looks is far from whats keeping him from finding a woman.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,989,150 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by hawaiiancoconut
Yeah, the house could look more welcoming (as suggested) in no-time, if he wishes. I dont think, dating is his number one priority these days (being an avid gamer, single and older) - I know the mindset.
You can almost tell immediately what a single persons main hobby is (if any) when you visit their home (its where all the most time, money and effort is put into). In the OP's case, its his computers. Most single- older gamers would always choose gaming over love at any given day. But they do get extremely lonely at times. They have little wiggle room when compromising their living style. I'm guessing, this is why the OP is single and having a difficult time finding a woman.
The way his house looks is far from whats keeping him from finding a woman.
Yeah, I agree with this, for me it is animals, nature and landscape photography, and music. It doesn't take long to pick that up.
The OP's posts also have a tone of having his life set up exactly the way he wants, and expecting that a woman will just be slotted into it and go along with the way he wants and prefers things, as if she has no wishes, desires and preferences of her own. That's not how healthy and functional relationships work. What if she has her own house and doesn't want to live in his, just as one example.
You can be as specific as you like but to expect that anyone you meet will just go along with it is a whole other story.
That's a pretty key point. OP is a homebody and is looking for another homebody, which is fine, but generally people who want to stay home prefer their own home with their own stuff. The idea that this hypothetical woman is going to want to spend all of her time at his place might not be reasonable. Especially if the expectation is that she has to do his decorating for him.
Well and there are ways to make techy stuff look cooler, to improve the aesthetic. I'd have to know that since a hobby interest of mine is computer case modding. Clever use of colored LEDs and conduit and such can make even a "cyberpunk" space look more interesting. Or go Steampunk and bring in some deep gold tones and browns and decorative gears, I don't know...but I really liked Timberline's term "Borg cube chic" because that's what I'm seeing not just in the pics of OP's home but also the pics of what he's shooting for ideally...it's darkly utilitarian. And that just doesn't appeal to most women. Even weird ones like me prefer some light and color, even if it's deep warm light and rich, dark color...just not dim, stark shades like in a Blade or Underworld movie. Most women do not find dystopian themes very appealing in their home space.
See, I don't think this is a gender thing at all. I think that is a total cop out. I've seen a fair number of bachelor dude's places, and nothing like the one posted, say post early 30s (at the latest) for a guy.
Exactly. If someone wants their place to be Borg Cube Chic, that's fine, their business, just know it is going to turn off most people, even most alternative people. That's fine, since someone is looking for one in a million, and that one will like it. Good luck finding them.
Agreed. At a minimum, most seem to have an interest in either the yard or the indoor space at some level. It might not be ornate, but there could be a deck. The lawn looks manicured and green. Etc. I know people who say “Sometimes I think I would rather just live in a tent.” However, they are working in their house making it look better or working on the yard.
I know my tastes may seem silly to you guys, but heck some people have a western feel to the way they decorate.
I don't find your aesthetic silly. Is it possible that two separate ideas are being conflated in this thread? The idea or essence of your original post was how to get a woman who wants to pursue a relationship with you past the very early stages, yes? So most of the information you provided the forum was your physical environment, and many people said "That's not attractive to most women." Some people said "It's not that bad" but nobody said "I love your house!" And I think what you really want is for a woman you are attracted to to love being at your house, and to do that, you have to love your house. And when you love something, you take care of it and nurture it, and that shows.
I am of the belief that there's a lid for every pot. I absolutely think you could do a futuristic or steam punk look---if that's true to yourself---and still absolutely attract a woman you like. If you went on a home interior forum right now, and asked "My vision for my home is a futuristic steam punk look but I have limited funds, how do I do it?" You would have the advice of many people (mostly women) who will be delighted to help you achieve that look. But you have to separate it from "How do I attract a woman?"
When you are true to yourself, from a place of acceptance and nurturing and creativity, and not resistance or apathy, then you cannot help but be attractive to others. You said that your home is a blank slate, like a tabula rasa for a woman to imprint herself upon. But it's ever-so-much-more attractive to walk into a home and feel like the man loves himself and is fulfilled already, not like he's just waiting for a woman to fill up his blankness, if that makes sense. It's an unconscious vibrational thing that translates into "his home was depressing" or "I just felt weird".
I'm so glad to hear you're painting your house, I think it's so cute and it so deserves the love you're going to give it! I wish you lots of joy going forward!
I don't find your aesthetic silly. Is it possible that two separate ideas are being conflated in this thread? The idea or essence of your original post was how to get a woman who wants to pursue a relationship with you past the very early stages, yes? So most of the information you provided the forum was your physical environment, and many people said "That's not attractive to most women." Some people said "It's not that bad" but nobody said "I love your house!" And I think what you really want is for a woman you are attracted to to love being at your house, and to do that, you have to love your house. And when you love something, you take care of it and nurture it, and that shows.
I am of the belief that there's a lid for every pot. I absolutely think you could do a futuristic or steam punk look---if that's true to yourself---and still absolutely attract a woman you like. If you went on a home interior forum right now, and asked "My vision for my home is a futuristic steam punk look but I have limited funds, how do I do it?" You would have the advice of many people (mostly women) who will be delighted to help you achieve that look. But you have to separate it from "How do I attract a woman?"
When you are true to yourself, from a place of acceptance and nurturing and creativity, and not resistance or apathy, then you cannot help but be attractive to others. You said that your home is a blank slate, like a tabula rasa for a woman to imprint herself upon. But it's ever-so-much-more attractive to walk into a home and feel like the man loves himself and is fulfilled already, not like he's just waiting for a woman to fill up his blankness, if that makes sense. It's an unconscious vibrational thing that translates into "his home was depressing" or "I just felt weird".
I'm so glad to hear you're painting your house, I think it's so cute and it so deserves the love you're going to give it! I wish you lots of joy going forward!
Great post.
The whole "blank slate" thing also projects solitude and loneliness. It's...it's just kind of bleak, I guess.
My guy was almost (but not quite) a hoarder. He was a bachelor who had lived in the same place over 20 years and collected many collectible things. Toys in boxes, swords, books, art, coins, sports cards, autographs, games, and a pile of mostly empty cardboard boxes that filled the living room. He was used to living alone and being alone. Yet upstairs, he had decorated extensively. He was worried about what my impression would be of his place (and rightly so, probably) when I went over there the first time. But my reaction was one of fascination, because he had all of this cool art on his walls, and interesting books on a variety of subjects everywhere, and his home reflected a hundred little facets of a complex human being. One I found most definitely worth the time to get to know.
Now, I like video games sometimes, but a relationship is a real-life, real-world thing (unless you're getting married by your guild in World of Warcraft or something) and even I, with my nerdy techy side that likes to build and mod computers and game on them from time to time...even I'm not going to connect much with a guy's personality and self as a real and interesting individual, through his identity as a computer user (whether that is gaming, coding, or anything in between.) So too much focus on that, and too little on more expansive forms of expression, and/or the "blank slate" thing... Also, I as a woman have been told too many times how much men hate it when you set out to "change" them. I assume that means changing their personal space, to some extent. Like I would not tell my guy to ditch the sports memorabilia because I'm not into it. I would not go in, early in a relationship, thinking about what I could do with a guy's space, or prepared to imagine what it could be with my stamp upon it.
(Though in all fairness, when we moved in together, the expired condiments and many of the cardboard boxes DID get thrown out...mysteriously...during the move...)
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