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The whole "blank slate" thing also projects solitude and loneliness. It's...it's just kind of bleak, I guess.
My guy was almost (but not quite) a hoarder. He was a bachelor who had lived in the same place over 20 years and collected many collectible things. Toys in boxes, swords, books, art, coins, sports cards, autographs, games, and a pile of mostly empty cardboard boxes that filled the living room. He was used to living alone and being alone. Yet upstairs, he had decorated extensively. He was worried about what my impression would be of his place (and rightly so, probably) when I went over there the first time. But my reaction was one of fascination, because he had all of this cool art on his walls, and interesting books on a variety of subjects everywhere, and his home reflected a hundred little facets of a complex human being. One I found most definitely worth the time to get to know.
Now, I like video games sometimes, but a relationship is a real-life, real-world thing (unless you're getting married by your guild in World of Warcraft or something) and even I, with my nerdy techy side that likes to build and mod computers and game on them from time to time...even I'm not going to connect much with a guy's personality and self as a real and interesting individual, through his identity as a computer user (whether that is gaming, coding, or anything in between.) So too much focus on that, and too little on more expansive forms of expression, and/or the "blank slate" thing... Also, I as a woman have been told too many times how much men hate it when you set out to "change" them. I assume that means changing their personal space, to some extent. Like I would not tell my guy to ditch the sports memorabilia because I'm not into it. I would not go in, early in a relationship, thinking about what I could do with a guy's space, or prepared to imagine what it could be with my stamp upon it.
(Though in all fairness, when we moved in together, the expired condiments and many of the cardboard boxes DID get thrown out...mysteriously...during the move...)
Your relationship sounds very balanced! As you make a new home together, is your man enjoying his things more or from a new perspective, now that they are displayed in a way that is beautiful and meaningful to both of you? Like his enjoyment of his things is magnified by your enjoyment.
Your relationship sounds very balanced! As you make a new home together, is your man enjoying his things more or from a new perspective, now that they are displayed in a way that is beautiful and meaningful to both of you? Like his enjoyment of his things is magnified by your enjoyment.
Dunno if I'd go that far. He is blissfully happy that the move is over as it was a lot of work for both of us. And he's also glad it has prompted him to start on a long-procrastinated plan he's had, to go through loads of stuff he has in storage and sell some that he doesn't want anymore.
Balanced. Well, we are finding things in one another that each of us thought we might never find and had given up hope of even trying to get. We are very happy.
We'd both collected up a bunch of dragon figures by McFarlane toys and now his collection and mine share shelf space in the living room. Happy geeks in love.
Points of common interest are more powerful to women I think than a blank slate.
We've had several wild coincidences that gave me "this is meant to be" feelings. There was a collection of these Time Life books that came out via monthly subscription when I was a little girl, my parents had them and I was fascinated with them then. He has the whole set. Later, in a photo album put together by a revered deceased relative of mine, I came across a postcard of a painting that he (my boyfriend) is nearly obsessed with. No idea what my Aunt's interest was in that painting. ("A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte" by Georges Seurat.) But it felt like she was validating I was on the right path with him, in life.
I don't know if or how a man could manufacture a few weird coincidences to make a woman feel connected to him, but if I were a guy it would totally be my strategy. At least to look for some common points of interest and make sure to talk about them.
You said that your home is a blank slate, like a tabula rasa for a woman to imprint herself upon. But it's ever-so-much-more attractive to walk into a home and feel like the man loves himself and is fulfilled already, not like he's just waiting for a woman to fill up his blankness, if that makes sense. It's an unconscious vibrational thing that translates into "his home was depressing" or "I just felt weird".
This is an excellent point. Long before it develops into a situation where woman is going to start decorating, it has to be a place that a date is not feeling nervous and uncomfortable about visiting.
Dunno if I'd go that far. He is blissfully happy that the move is over as it was a lot of work for both of us. And he's also glad it has prompted him to start on a long-procrastinated plan he's had, to go through loads of stuff he has in storage and sell some that he doesn't want anymore.
Balanced. Well, we are finding things in one another that each of us thought we might never find and had given up hope of even trying to get. We are very happy.
We'd both collected up a bunch of dragon figures by McFarlane toys and now his collection and mine share shelf space in the living room. Happy geeks in love.
Points of common interest are more powerful to women I think than a blank slate.
We've had several wild coincidences that gave me "this is meant to be" feelings. There was a collection of these Time Life books that came out via monthly subscription when I was a little girl, my parents had them and I was fascinated with them then. He has the whole set. Later, in a photo album put together by a revered deceased relative of mine, I came across a postcard of a painting that he (my boyfriend) is nearly obsessed with. No idea what my Aunt's interest was in that painting. ("A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte" by Georges Seurat.) But it felt like she was validating I was on the right path with him, in life.
I don't know if or how a man could manufacture a few weird coincidences to make a woman feel connected to him, but if I were a guy it would totally be my strategy. At least to look for some common points of interest and make sure to talk about them.
That’s a great mindset. I never got having a “man cave†or this idea that a woman should be in charge of decorating the entire space. It should really be a couple that decides on the decorating theme. I don’t think most women want the responsibility of TOTALLY taking over a space. It’s one thing to make some small changes, but it is total turnoff for a guy to say “I’m a blank slate, do what you want here.†I would imagine that if a woman wanted some floral fantasy, he might not feel that comfortable with it. Ideally, it should be a compromise.
If the OP and a love interest both like steampunk, for instance, they could go into doing up a space with that theme instead of working off a total blank slate. Members of a couple should make each other better. “Oh, you like steampunk? Well, I have an idea for this room that could really make it inviting, but also draw on that theme!†That way, both members of the couple are happy when they spend time in the space.
That’s a great mindset. I never got having a “man cave†or this idea that a woman should be in charge of decorating the entire space. It should really be a couple that decides on the decorating theme. I don’t think most women want the responsibility of TOTALLY taking over a space.
The few women that have lived here were all about that, that's what happened to a lot of the stuff I did have(stuff that was on the walls). one of the first issues I notice with couples moving in together is she has her things and he has his, and the problem is what of hers gets integrated with his home or visa versa(depending on who moves into whose place), and what ends up getting sold on Craigslist.
Since I only heavily decorate one room(my office/studio) that's one concern that's avoided.
I have no idea what the decorating style of my future SO will be, so poring funds into decorating the whole house would mean investing in things I would end up having to throw away later. as there is only so much space in my house.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Originally Posted by cyphorx
The few women that have lived here were all about that, that's what happened to a lot of the stuff I did have(stuff that was on the walls). one of the first issues I notice with couples moving in together is she has her things and he has his, and the problem is what of hers gets integrated with his home or visa versa(depending on who moves into whose place), and what ends up getting sold on Craigslist.
Since I only heavily decorate one room(my office/studio) that's one concern that's avoided.
I have no idea what the decorating style of my future SO will be, so poring funds into decorating the whole house would mean investing in things I would end up having to throw away later. as there is only so much space in my house.
You're making the assumption you will find someone that wants to do that to the place. Not a good assumption.
Also, I found when I moved in with people, we were far better off finding a place together and making it our place together, rather than moving in one's existing place. That seems to have worked best for other couples I know too that got together as adults, even if it meant selling two abodes.
You're making the assumption you will find someone that wants to do that to the place. Not a good assumption.
Also, I found when I moved in with people, we were far better off finding a place together and making it our place together, rather than moving in one's existing place. That seems to have worked best for other couples I know too that got together as adults, even if it meant selling two abodes.
That's what my husband and I did when we married. We were both home owners so we bought a new place together for our marital home.
When I was single, I dated a couple of men who seemed to be living in a bare bones "bachelor pad" waiting for someone to swoop in to make it a home. They were typically newly divorced and seemed lost without a wife to manage and take care of the home for them. It came across to me as helpless and needy, like they were waiting for a mommy figure to rescue them and take charge. Exactly the opposite of what I was looking for in a life partner.
You're making the assumption you will find someone that wants to do that to the place. Not a good assumption.
Also, I found when I moved in with people, we were far better off finding a place together and making it our place together, rather than moving in one's existing place. That seems to have worked best for other couples I know too that got together as adults, even if it meant selling two abodes.
No i'm saying if she already had her own place she could just move her stuff in, assuming she was renting or in an apartment. now if she does not wanna go through the hassle of moving her stuff there(some people are not attached to their things and just get all new stuff when they move anyway), then we could decorate together and the the place would look like a mashup of her taste and mine.
I know my taste is not the cup of tea of most women, thats why I made a very toned down version with plenty of expansion slots(empty spaces where things can be added), hence the lack of knick knacks, plants and paintings etc etc.
To date I only met one woman who shared my taste in "borg-chic" as someone here called it and that only ended because her job took her out of state at twice the pay, today she is happily married to a starving artist with 2 kids with a kinda cool house of her own. It's a former small fire-station(made in the 30's), with a flat roof she painted grey with black trim smaller than my house in width but 2 stories so about the same square footage. and on the inside it looks like an outlaw hero hackers secret hideout in a SYFY movie of the week(cool as hell). she still works for the same company but telecommutes 4 out of 5 days a week.
She tried to facebook friend me about a year ago, I was sad for a bit after that, kinda made me wish she did not have to move.
I'm the kind of woman you're looking for. I'm an avid gamer, dedicated night owl and your house doesn't scare me. In fact, I was a little jealous of your monitor setup .
That said, there are things about dating you that would give me pause. Believe it or not, they have nothing to do with money.
Mostly, from what you say and how your house looks....I get the feeling that you wouldn't meet me half way. You have really specific, niche ideas about how life should be. I sympathize, since I too have a fairly rigid lifestyle. But, it sounds to me like you're not willing to make any real changes to meet a potential partner halfway, and that throws up red flags for me.
I'll be honest, when I start dating someone, I want to be excited and happy and focused on them and anticipating. I don't want to be presented with a project to work on, like your house would be. It may be a blank slate, but it's a fairly unwelcoming slate that someone's gotta fill. It looks like you're hoping whoever you date will want to do it, but I certainly wouldnt. Maybe add a few of my things or paint or something, but without her things it needs to be at least comfortable and welcoming. Moving in together should be about melding your lives and things together, not her making the place over to give it some level of cozy.
If you wanna continue the evil tech lair theme, be my guest. Go all Serial Experiments Lain with it. (That would probably be pretty cool) But, you're also proposing to use it as your primary date spot, being a homebody and all. Therefore, you want prospective partners to feel welcome in that space. Try to find a compromise between basic guest comfort and needs and your own asthetic. Yes, that does mean putting in some money and effort. But you want to find someone, right? Certainly enough to devote a little time and effort to make the place welcoming to strangers, right?
You need to bend a little. Just a little. You need to meet potential partners halfway. Or even part way.
Take 15% off of everything: reshoot the profile picture so you're not holding a weapon, ideally so people can see your eyes. You can keep the same everything else, just remove the weapon. Put in two shrubs in front of the house. I'd really, really recommend no bars on the windows either, but I understand they may be necessary. Add some wall art (can be tech art), and some lighting. That can be either a second set of sheer shades up (so you can keep your blackouts down when you want them and adjust for company), or some nice lamps. They can be dim, but you need light in there, even if it's just for company. You need a cozy space where someone can picture themselves wanting to Netflix and chill. We're talking comfortable couch, couple of pillows, maybe get crazy and add a patterned rug. It can be a very modern mechanical or geometric printed rug, but something. Make it seem like you want someone else there.
Then, when you invite women over to play video games, or watch netflix, or whatever, your home is a place they want to hang out. It's a place they can picture themselves in. THAT'S how you get a girl to move in.
Sorry if this was too long. You seem like a nice, quiet guy who has a fairly specific view of what he wants. Id hate for you to remain alone if compromising 15% would get you there.
I've heard others say they didn't feel like it was ''Home'' when they moved into their partners pre-existing home.
I can understand it if the person lived their long term beforehand, or if it was their home in their previous marriage or relationship.
I bought my home less than a year before I met my soon-to-be wife. It was also completely renovated (gutted and all but completely rebuilt) just months before she moved in. She moved in, less than a year after I bought it and moved in. It reeked of the new home smell when she moved in. It still kind of has hints of that new house smell, over 3 years later.
So, aside from us ''Picking out'' the home together, this is pretty much our place. I wasn't gonna sell the place, only to move somewhere else in the area. I may have sold it to flip it and make a profit, the value has increased by close to 3 times of what I bought it for, not including the extra money taken out to rehab it. I quite like the idea of being completely mortgage free by only 46, so we plan to stay. We've pretty got a brand new home here, minus the foundation, hardwood floors in a couple rooms and frame. Brand new Roof, both bathrooms, all of the wiring, kitchen, living room, bedrooms, siding/exterior. If anything, maybe we'd want something a little bigger eventually, but we can even expand onto this house. I'd like exploring that option, if need be, before moving out.
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Why don't women want to date me?
It still kind of has hints of that new house smell, over 3 years later. 
