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I think she is freaking out right now because she's worried about losing her relationship with her sister. I kind of think I can envision what happened, as I tend to embrace the significant others of my cousins (who are very much like siblings to me) like they are family. They are my cousins' chosen partners, after all. I socialize with my male and female cousins and socialize the same with their significant others. I have both male and female platonic friends, so I am very aware of where the lines are.
However, here's the thing: My platonic male friends are the type of people who like having female platonic friends. They know the rules and boundaries. My cousin's chosen partners may not know where those boundaries are. So I'm always very conscious of keeping that line decidedly unblurry. But maybe not everyone gets that point of differentiation - it's just something I'm acutely aware of.
So if you're treating your sister's spouse like your brother, maybe you're not seeing those boundaries so clearly. The stuff I talk about with my male cousins... oh good lord. I get asked for advice and confided in regarding some very strange stuff. And then my platonic male friends also come to me with strange personal stuff.
I don't think your wife is or was having an affair with your BIL. I think she's just feeling stupid about ignoring prior red flags and worried her entire family will turn against her, not just her sister. I think some time with a couples therapist may benefit you both.
I totally get you. I've had many male friendships that were platonic. But you don't go out and lie about hanging out together and keep things from your sister. The whole running thing was based on don't tell your sister we're running together. You just don't do that to your sister, or anyone for that matter. If my sister had some insecurities about her husband or my friendship / relationship with her husband, I wouldn't go behind her back and spend all this alone time with him.
My sisters are my sisters! At the end of the day, I know who's side I will always be on. I would never betray them for any BIL.
The one comment that she made that really got me was stating that when she thought I would not mention it to BIL or anyone else that she felt so close to me and that I had her back. She explained that me telling BIL I knew was a violation of her trust and really hurt her in what she could tell me.
That's just pure manipulation on her part. After all the lies and all the secret runs with the BIL that my sister knew nothing about, "how could YOU hurt me this way?" She needs to own her part in the whole mess. Telling your SIL may not be the best thing. It'll only hurt her but the truth usually does come out and your wife better be ready to explain herself.
I wouldn't want a wife where I had to sleep w/ one eye open. If she'll do this w/ her SISTER'S HUSBAND, what else would she do. She's not even worth going to jail for. I don't get the mentality of I'll beat you up bc my wife is a wh###. It's a waste of time when there are good women out there.
We had a conversation about what occurred and I asked point blank whether or not she had feelings, led him on and wanted to have an affair. She denied all of it(obviously) and got upset to the point where she began deflecting back on me. I did call her out on some inconsistencies in her story and that I was aware she had also lied to me based on the different versions of events. She admitted everything and essentially said she never thought it was headed down this path. She claimed that yes they had conversations but she never complained about our marriage or myself. I told her directly that I had a tough time believing this as I cannot imagine a guy would say he wanted to kiss you if there was not some sort of emotional connection formed that would lead him to believe that it might be successful and reciprocal. Her response was that he obviously misconstrued her empathy and willingness to listen as something more.
The one comment that she made that really got me was stating that when she thought I would not mention it to BIL or anyone else that she felt so close to me and that I had her back. She explained that me telling BIL I knew was a violation of her trust and really hurt her in what she could tell me. I immediately told her that it was an absurd proposition to even make such a claim, especially in light of my position that she needed to tell her sister immediately. I went on to say that if there were any trust issues it was on her end as, yes she told me about the situation, but it was obvious that she was willing to lie and keep secrets from her sister and I. She continued to try and argue that my telling BIL was going to be what destroyed the families. I asked her directly why she was so keen on protecting her scumbag BIL and she just kept saying she couldn't have her sisters family destroyed over this. She then repeatedly asked that I please break the ice with BIL and just act normal. I responded that I cannot do that and he needs to live with this and that if her position is to protect him and his feelings then she must live with my being upset. I just don't know how this POS could even think I could ever be OK with what he pulled. I don't know, I just don't think my wife should expect me to just be OK with what happened and just move on as though nothing happened. Something happened and I know my wife isn't innocent in it but I would have though my BIL would have enough sense to not go ahead and try this. I don't know, sorry for the stream of consciousness.
I still don't understand, that if her sister's marriage eventually falls apart, why your wife doesn't see that as the BIL's doing. Why is she blaming that on you? That's like blaming you for HIS behavior. His behavior has consequences. If the consequences are that he ends up divorced, that's his karma. It certainly isn't yours.
Her way of thinking has no logic.
Anyway, it seems the sister married a liar and a sleaze, so it's about time she found out, so she can decide if she wants to stay married to such a person. Why would your wife want to whitewash the guy, and deceive her sister?
You crossed no line. HE crossed the line. He deserves more than a stern warning. He deserves to be punched in the face. His wife deserves to know also.
The only one that needs to be suffering here is the idiot that started it all.
I recommend having a sit down to talk to your wife. Who cares if everyone realizes you do not like the brother in law. They don't have to know anything.
Sorry you're in such a crap situation, OP. If your wife really wants to do right by her sister, wouldn't the thing to do be to tell her that her husband is a POS who is at the very least trying to initiate an affair behind her back? She is desperately trying to protect herself here. And him trying to stop by to return a borrowed item...that cliche would be laughable if the whole situation were not so sad. Maybe she did answer the door but just asked him to text her so she could show that you as a cover up. Whatever happens do be sure that you take the high road and don't cross any lines that are going to make you come out looking like the bad guy.
Here's my 2 cents from someone who got caught cheating and almost lost everything.
Honesty is key, so keeping secrets in this for anyone of the 4 involved will only backfire. Here's what I would do (based on my experience):
1. Setup a meeting with your BIL, your wife and yourself. Go to a bar and tell your BIL that the only way to move on is for everyone to be aware of this. Tell him you're willing to forgive this, but make him aware that in 2 weeks you'll have the exact same meeting but then with the sister.
Two things can happen:
1. He'll confess to his wife and they may or may not work this out. Probably they have deeper issues with their marriage. Anyway, if they work it out then you don't need the follow-up meeting but your wife can talk to her sister about this and let her know that you two are ready to forgive and forget
2. He doesn't tell his wife so you guys have to tell her. Again, tell her you are ready to forgive him and you have struggled how/when to tell her. Let her know you'll be there for her.
If no action is taken, this will come out one way or the other and your wife will be the 'bad guy' for keeping this a secret.
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