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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AfellowPerson
So, that being said, what would be an example of a woman showing interest?
It's not an equation or something that can be explained ala a diagnostic in a textbook.
It's a feel. You feel the interest, or you don't. But you have to have some social awareness and self awareness and get out of one's head to be aware of it.
It's not an equation or something that can be explained ala a diagnostic in a textbook.
It's a feel. You feel the interest, or you don't. But you have to have some social awareness and self awareness and get out of one's head to be aware of it.
I would go further, I think you need to take some actual risks (and that means actually asking women out, to engage in a specific activity at a specific time) to gain and develop this social awareness.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,989,150 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by shelato
I would go further, I think you need to take some actual risks (and that means actually asking women out, to engage in a specific activity at a specific time) to gain and develop this social awareness.
Well yeah, I mean, that is part of why we date in adolescence and socialize so much and why its so critical. We need to learn social skills, develop them, and learn relationship skills... both platonic and romantic.
So, that being said, what would be an example of a woman showing interest?
This post from another recent thread shows some pretty commonplace examples. He wasn't aware that she was showing interest, even though she had done just about everything except say it out loud:
Quote:
Originally Posted by DieCastRN
Sorry if this seems choppy and weird, I've never actually sought advice online before.
So, this girl (29 F) and I (42 M) both started working at our job (nurses) about 7 months ago and I'm trying to figure out if she has a crush on me. Before anyone says anything about coworkers dating, there are several couples at our job who met on the job, so our employer doesn't have a problem with it. I don't know if it matters but she's from India and I'm white as white can be.
From the moment we started working, I'd notice her looking at me when she thought I wasn't looking and whenever she'd catch me seeing her, she smiles. She still does this, as soon as I walk in, I get a big smile, and sometimes she does this little coy smile and looks me up and down. Over the course of the past few months, we've become close, not super close but closer than we've gotten to other coworkers. We talk about a lot of stuff and she's always actively seeking me out whenever her assignment is slow. I haven't noticed her do this with any other coworkers. I don't always do the same as I'm trying to get to know other coworkers as well.
Other things she does include:
- Stands super close to me, as in our bodies touch, whenever we're standing next to each other. She does the same thing when we sit down.
- Lots and lots of banter back and forth and mild flirting - nothing too wild, but definitely some playful teasing back and forth.
- I forgot how it came up, but she's hinted that she doesn't think an age difference in a relationship is a big deal. I think was joking around with her and said "you're just a kid," and she said something like "you're over 40 but you don't act it, so we're even."
- Anytime I mention an opinion that's different to hers, she'll find a way to change hers slightly to be in line with mine - this doesn't matter to me at all, I just find it kind of odd.
There's more I could elaborate on, but I had a long shift so I feel like this post is becoming disjointed. If anyone needs anything clarified, please ask.
My ex and I divorced about a year ago and I haven't dated in years. I don't know if I'm reading too much into this or whether or not there's something there.
It's a feel. You feel the interest, or you don't. But you have to have some social awareness and self awareness and get out of one's head to be aware of it.
And what if you...don't feel the interest that is there, or think you feel interest that isn't there? I think that was the question. Academically I have a better idea of what to watch for in terms of interest, but in practice I've come to a point where I constantly second-guess myself if I think someone is interested in me.
This post from another recent thread shows some pretty commonplace examples. He wasn't aware that she was showing interest, even though she had done just about everything except say it out loud:
They are now dating.
LOL, thanks! Yes, we are dating. And after having seen everything written down I felt extremely foolish for not realizing it sooner.
And what if you...don't feel the interest that is there, or think you feel interest that isn't there? I think that was the question. Academically I have a better idea of what to watch for in terms of interest, but in practice I've come to a point where I constantly second-guess myself if I think someone is interested in me.
If you think you feel interest, whether there is or there isn't, I don't think there is necessarily anything wrong with asking her out. You just have to accept her answer whether it is yes or no.
For clarification (for the forum), I'm not talking about walking up to someone because I think she's interested and then saying "Hi, can I get your number?", or "Hi, wanna go out? (Who does that, really?! )
This is if you are having a conversation and she seems to be enjoying the conversation and your company (And I give you the benefit of the doubt that you mean when having a conversation and not right away or when you first see someone).
Now, as to if you don't feel the interest, even if there is interest, then that is a no brainer. It's better to not ask her out.
I would go further, I think you need to take some actual risks (and that means actually asking women out, to engage in a specific activity at a specific time) to gain and develop this social awareness.
Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742
Well yeah, I mean, that is part of why we date in adolescence and socialize so much and why its so critical. We need to learn social skills, develop them, and learn relationship skills... both platonic and romantic.
It's true that I didn't socialize much in adolescence. So, some of what I've been doing over the past few years is just catching up. I posted a comment earlier in this thread referencing negative reactions to my presence I have received over the years. I compared this to being seen as a door-to-door salesman. In those moments, I wasn't even trying to socialize, but these women seemed to react negatively, as though I were trying to make a move or something. These experiences painted a picture of a hostile world that surrounds women. Recent observations don't seem to be changing that view. (this is why I mentioned about being in a shared-interest environment, and only men and married women talk to me.)
Based on the responses I've been getting to that scenario in this thread, it seems that, just to socialize, I might have to run the risk of appearing like that door-to-door salesman, and then (per the advice of many people on this forum,) I would have to just accept her 'rejection' and move on (in spite of the fact that I have no intentions of pursuit.)
So, maybe the question I SHOULD be asking: how do I make it clear that I have NO intentions, if and when I attempt to socialize with women? Or is this just inevitable that they are going to assume I have intentions, and I'll just have to deal with it?
So, maybe the question I SHOULD be asking: how do I make it clear that I have NO intentions, if and when I attempt to socialize with women? Or is this just inevitable that they are going to assume I have intentions, and I'll just have to deal with it?
Keep eyes neck level and above only. Don't ask about her relationship status or any significant others, or mention your relationship status. Don't flirt or make suggestive overtures. Let her private life stay her own business. Talk to her like you would a guy...a guy who is an unknown quantity on the job. Be polite and friendly and that's all. Put any thought of attraction out of your mind. Best not to give her any compliments at all, even benign ones. Keep eye contact to what you would with strangers.
Edit: Oh, and the most obvious piece of advice (eponymous, even)...avoid physical touch at all costs.
Last edited by At Arms Length; 11-03-2019 at 01:21 AM..
It's true that I didn't socialize much in adolescence. So, some of what I've been doing over the past few years is just catching up. I posted a comment earlier in this thread referencing negative reactions to my presence I have received over the years. I compared this to being seen as a door-to-door salesman. In those moments, I wasn't even trying to socialize, but these women seemed to react negatively, as though I were trying to make a move or something. These experiences painted a picture of a hostile world that surrounds women. Recent observations don't seem to be changing that view. (this is why I mentioned about being in a shared-interest environment, and only men and married women talk to me.)
Based on the responses I've been getting to that scenario in this thread, it seems that, just to socialize, I might have to run the risk of appearing like that door-to-door salesman, and then (per the advice of many people on this forum,) I would have to just accept her 'rejection' and move on (in spite of the fact that I have no intentions of pursuit.)
So, maybe the question I SHOULD be asking: how do I make it clear that I have NO intentions, if and when I attempt to socialize with women? Or is this just inevitable that they are going to assume I have intentions, and I'll just have to deal with it?
Do you really have no intentions with any of these single women? You are single, you are lonely, they are single and they may be lonely too. So why are you trying to convince the pool of women you might actually want to date that you aren't interested in them? You are just giving these women really mixed messages if and when you later try to turn things around and ask one of them out.
Approaching a woman doesn't mean you are going to marry her or even ask her out. You are just talking to her to see if you enjoy each others company. What makes a door to door salesman annoying is that he is taking value in that transaction, he is trying to sell you something you don't actually want. But let's say you are at REI and you are thinking of getting a new snowboard, so you want someone to explain all of the different features on the various snowboards. In that situation, you may track down a salesman and be genuinely glad when he explains to you what are the pros and cons of different snowboards. The issue isn't whether or not you are a salesman, but whether or not the salesman is adding value to a person's life that determines how you feel about the salesman.
When you are interacting with people are you like the homeless person spare changing you who is just taking so much value you avoid them and cross the street or are you like Dave Chappelle offering so much value that people will pay to hear you talk?
If you are making peoples lives better, they enjoy having you around. You are not a burden. If you are fun to be around women will enjoy your company and you approaching them is not a burden.
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