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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by At Arms Length
And what if you...don't feel the interest that is there, or think you feel interest that isn't there? I think that was the question. Academically I have a better idea of what to watch for in terms of interest, but in practice I've come to a point where I constantly second-guess myself if I think someone is interested in me.
If I don't feel the interest is there, then of course I just keep on living my life.
And re the constantly second guessing, well, that's rooster blocking yourself. Stop. Thats been ones own worst enemy. Stop overthinking. Lots of the people I know that do that (overthink to paralysis) have anxiety issues.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shelato
If you are making peoples lives better, they enjoy having you around. You are not a burden. If you are fun to be around women will enjoy your company and you approaching them is not a burden.
Do you really have no intentions with any of these single women? You are single, you are lonely, they are single and they may be lonely too. So why are you trying to convince the pool of women you might actually want to date that you aren't interested in them? You are just giving these women really mixed messages if and when you later try to turn things around and ask one of them out.
I'm not really interested in someone until I get to know them, so I genuinely don't have intentions with any of them. The reason I would want to make it clear that I have no intentions, is because of all the experiences I've had where women reacted so negatively when (presumably) they assumed that I had intentions. I have theorized that, even though I have no intentions, my presence has the unintended consequence of contributing to the hostile world that women are sometimes drowning in. It's sort of the foundation for the theory that I've been writing about (especially in the thread I started back in May) and in some of my posts in this thread. The basic theory is that men shouldn't take their chances just on the off chance that she might be interested. So, approaching with intentions would seem wrong to me anyway.
Quote:
Originally Posted by shelato
Approaching a woman doesn't mean you are going to marry her or even ask her out. You are just talking to her to see if you enjoy each others company. What makes a door to door salesman annoying is that he is taking value in that transaction, he is trying to sell you something you don't actually want. But let's say you are at REI and you are thinking of getting a new snowboard, so you want someone to explain all of the different features on the various snowboards. In that situation, you may track down a salesman and be genuinely glad when he explains to you what are the pros and cons of different snowboards. The issue isn't whether or not you are a salesman, but whether or not the salesman is adding value to a person's life that determines how you feel about the salesman.
The door-to-door salesman reference was more of an interpretation of what I saw reflected in these women's eyes when they assumed that I had intent. The examples I gave were asking what floor she needed in the elevator, or trying to return a wallet in a supermarket, or walking past her on the way to the bathroom. I wasn't selling anything at all, but the reaction was as though I were, so it gave me a negative view of that type of behavior (approaching women with intent.) But, I see your point.
Quote:
Originally Posted by shelato
When you are interacting with people are you like the homeless person spare changing you who is just taking so much value you avoid them and cross the street or are you like Dave Chappelle offering so much value that people will pay to hear you talk?
If you are making peoples lives better, they enjoy having you around. You are not a burden. If you are fun to be around women will enjoy your company and you approaching them is not a burden.
This is good food for thought, and something I'll keep in mind as I move forward. Thank you!
I'm not really interested in someone until I get to know them, so I genuinely don't have intentions with any of them. The reason I would want to make it clear that I have no intentions, is because of all the experiences I've had where women reacted so negatively when (presumably) they assumed that I had intentions. I have theorized that, even though I have no intentions, my presence has the unintended consequence of contributing to the hostile world that women are sometimes drowning in. It's sort of the foundation for the theory that I've been writing about (especially in the thread I started back in May) and in some of my posts in this thread. The basic theory is that men shouldn't take their chances just on the off chance that she might be interested. So, approaching with intentions would seem wrong to me anyway.
The door-to-door salesman reference was more of an interpretation of what I saw reflected in these women's eyes when they assumed that I had intent. The examples I gave were asking what floor she needed in the elevator, or trying to return a wallet in a supermarket, or walking past her on the way to the bathroom. I wasn't selling anything at all, but the reaction was as though I were, so it gave me a negative view of that type of behavior (approaching women with intent.) But, I see your point.
This is good food for thought, and something I'll keep in mind as I move forward. Thank you!
So you don't have intent because you have been rejected when you showed it. Rejection doesn't stop men from being attracted to women, but it does make some men try to hide it. Many women are good at reading guys, and can still tell. Even if you try to hide it, your body will often give you away.
What you need to do is get over your fear of rejection and realize that there is nothing dirty or wrong about being attracted to a woman and showing it. And if you aren't going to show your intent, then forget about ever dating them, and treat then completely platonicly.
Women are hit on by men constantly and get tired of it. Most often they will get hit on by men who hide their intent and pretend to just be friendly. But if you never hit on women because you don't want to annoy them, then you will end up single and alone, and actually liked by women less.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Yeah, the dudes that go out of their way to make it clear they have no intent and are "safe" are often predatory and trying to reduce barriers. Don't do that crud. Just chill out and have.fun.
Yeah, the dudes that go out of their way to make it clear they have no intent and are "safe" are often predatory and trying to reduce barriers. Don't do that crud. Just chill out and have.fun.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by At Arms Length
Often predatory? Based on what exactly?
I have no idea what you're asking. It should be self explantory. They're trying to reduce inhibitions under the guise they aren't looking and are therefore "safe". Its been the MO of almost every aquaintance rape scenario my friends have told me about since college.
If you're not interested or not looking and act accordingly, there is no reason to state it as your actions/inactions will make it totally clear.
I have no idea what you're asking. It should be self explantory. They're trying to reduce inhibitions under the guise they aren't looking and are therefore "safe". Its been the MO of almost every aquaintance rape scenario my friends have told me about since college.
If you're not interested or not looking and act accordingly, there is no reason to state it as your actions/inactions will make it totally clear.
I'm asking, how you can say with confidence, than men who display subconscious or unintentional signs of attraction or interest and yet try to hide it or want to make it clear that they have no intent to pursue anything with the woman are "often predatory." Sometimes? Sure. Often? How can you know that? Have you never been in a situation where you were attracted to a woman and yet knew that it wasn't possible for anything to happen between you? I have, plenty.
For most of my life, in fact, that sort of scenario was the norm for me in my interactions with women. Women had never shown any interest in me, so I thought it was highly inappropriate to show interest in them, even as I struggled with my attraction to them. Like the OP, my intention was to try to put them more at ease...I know full-well that many women are hit on all the time, I know that women weren't showing me that they were interested in me, so those two things combined meant I needed to distance myself from any attraction I might feel for them in order to have normal platonic interactions with them. I'm sure many of them knew that I was attracted to them through the various tells that men give off, but I did my best to control and hide those tells, hence my post above.
I'm asking, how you can say with confidence, than men who display subconscious or unintentional signs of attraction or interest and yet try to hide it or want to make it clear that they have no intent to pursue anything with the woman are "often predatory." Sometimes? Sure. Often? How can you know that? Have you never been in a situation where you were attracted to a woman and yet knew that it wasn't possible for anything to happen between you? I have, plenty.
For most of my life, in fact, that sort of scenario was the norm for me in my interactions with women. Women had never shown any interest in me, so I thought it was highly inappropriate to show interest in them, even as I struggled with my attraction to them. Like the OP, my intention was to try to put them more at ease...I know full-well that many women are hit on all the time, I know that women weren't showing me that they were interested in me, so those two things combined meant I needed to distance myself from any attraction I might feel for them in order to have normal platonic interactions with them. I'm sure many of them knew that I was attracted to them through the various tells that men give off, but I did my best to control and hide those tells, hence my post above.
I'll say it this way. Predatory people tend to show a desperation to have you "trust them". They are often the ones that go out of their way to tell the person that they are harmless. In some cases, they want you to take a "leap of faith" for them. This is going by my experience with such people. Those are the sloppy ones to me anyhow.
As to "putting women more at ease". There's really not all that much you can control. All you can do is be respectful of boundaries and truly enjoy yourself. If you overthink it and try to control yourself too much, you will come across as awkward and that can make people uncomfortable. Also, any woman you see who does not seem like she is up for a conversation (e.g. "closed" body language, a look that screams "stay back!" etc), steer clear. don't engage.
Don't worry too much about hiding those "tells". Attractive women are used to people being attracted to them. They are not necessarily going to crucify you for being attracted to them. They sure as know that you are not talking to them because you are repulsed by them.
Just talk to them like they are human.
I think what you can do is look up social interactions, body language, topics of conversation. (Internet is a wonderful thing, ain't it) Also, mind your energy. The type of success you have in your social interaction is influenced by your energy among many other factors. If you give off a nervous, weird energy, you might have a more awkward time interacting with people.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,989,150 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by At Arms Length
I'm asking, how you can say with confidence, than men who display subconscious or unintentional signs of attraction or interest and yet try to hide it or want to make it clear that they have no intent to pursue anything with the woman are "often predatory." Sometimes? Sure. Often? How can you know that? Have you never been in a situation where you were attracted to a woman and yet knew that it wasn't possible for anything to happen between you? I have, plenty.
For most of my life, in fact, that sort of scenario was the norm for me in my interactions with women. Women had never shown any interest in me, so I thought it was highly inappropriate to show interest in them, even as I struggled with my attraction to them. Like the OP, my intention was to try to put them more at ease...I know full-well that many women are hit on all the time, I know that women weren't showing me that they were interested in me, so those two things combined meant I needed to distance myself from any attraction I might feel for them in order to have normal platonic interactions with them. I'm sure many of them knew that I was attracted to them through the various tells that men give off, but I did my best to control and hide those tells, hence my post above.
I answered the question pretty directly, you just dont like the answer
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know that you are not talking to them because you are repulsed by them. 
