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I appreciate your feedback. I do recognize that one of the elements here is that I'm more of an introvert, and I may not necessarily even want to connect with people very much, so some of the advice I've gotten here (from you and others) may not necessarily apply until I become more extroverted.
Learn to be a solo lifelong drinking introvert. Read some Charles Bukowski and be inspired by that prematurely curmudgeonly misanthrope always having female companionship. I say this half-jokingly. But yeah people in general are not really worth the hassle in my opinion. The people here pressuring you to adopt strategy X or unwanted set of behaviors Y can be dismissed because they're fundamentally different personalities. Such is the nature of an anonymous (though I use my real name, heh) mass forum. Learn to enjoy your own company, care less about the opinions of others, and whatever serendipity which may or may not ensue can be treated as an unexpected bonus. That's my advice, however wanted or not it may be. The implications of 'you're doing something wrong' really annoy me on this site--I if nothing else just want to encourage you to be an individual and to essentially say 'f*ck what anyone else thinks', whatever the gender of that anyone. Suddenly your 'sad' reclusiveness just might take on a romantic quality to it, if only in your own mind, which is all that really matters, anyway.
I said it because I don't believe the OP's stated agenda. I don't think he's being honest with us or with himself about why he has all these questions.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Matt Marcinkiewicz
Academic interest in psychology doesn't tend to emerge out of nowhere. It's due to a natural interest in other people. This is a cringe-worthy comment (and the sort of thing that makes a recluse out of me, heh). I don't know the OP, but speaking with the presumed solidarity of someone who also has extensive experience acting reclusively at bars, I can say it's often far easier to retreat to solo drinking with an insightful book rather than 'putting oneself out there' among what typically is a group or entire herd of uninteresting mediocrities.
Surprise. I also have reclusive tendencies. I am an introvert who prefers minimal contact with people outside my preferred (VERY small) circle. My job forces me to interact with others.
I also happen to be attractive enough that I get and have always gotten lots of interest from men. So I don't make sense to most people. They assume that, because of my appearance and because of the fact that I can affect a sociable attitude when doing my job, that I'm a certain type of person that I'm not. So I can relate a tiny bit to this idea that the OP is being misunderstood based on just existing.
If this is truly a philosophical exercise, then he shouldn't have posted it in Romantic Relationships because doing so assumes a conclusion that the OP keeps claiming he doesn't want to reach anyway.
One thought, OP, and frankly I'm going to ignore the recent journey into people-hating because I don't think you're that kind of dude (trying to return a stranger's wallet, for instance)... I don't know what region you live in, but I can tell you something for a fact. Some places I've lived are a hell of a lot more casually friendly than others. In general. In Northern VA, people who don't know you seem nearly hostile. In contrast, when I lived on the west coast, despite what they say about the "Seattle freeze" I experienced people being super friendly but really fake (lot of back stabbers, for instance, and advantage takers, who pretended to be my bestest ever bestie pals.) In Iowa, people were pretty nice, had a lot of down to earth common sense, but they were boring to me because rarely did any of them want to discuss anything meaningful. It was all small talk, all the time. In Colorado I've found the best social environment yet. People are friendly, but genuine, they've got common sense, but they're creative and interesting. At least this has been my experience, as an avid people-person, moving around the country.
If women are reacting strangely to your presence when they don't know you, as I mentioned it's like they've been...conditioned...or something. Maybe the environment that shaped their attitudes is a factor in that? Because I really do think that especially in the eastern US, there's a lot of "Do I know you? What do you want? What are you looking at?" going on, compared to other places. I mean, without knowing much about your location or life history or anything (and you don't have to say, if you don't want to) I'm just putting a theory out there for you to think about.
One thought, OP, and frankly I'm going to ignore the recent journey into people-hating because I don't think you're that kind of dude (trying to return a stranger's wallet, for instance)... I don't know what region you live in, but I can tell you something for a fact. Some places I've lived are a hell of a lot more casually friendly than others. In general. In Northern VA, people who don't know you seem nearly hostile. In contrast, when I lived on the west coast, despite what they say about the "Seattle freeze" I experienced people being super friendly but really fake (lot of back stabbers, for instance, and advantage takers, who pretended to be my bestest ever bestie pals.) In Iowa, people were pretty nice, had a lot of down to earth common sense, but they were boring to me because rarely did any of them want to discuss anything meaningful. It was all small talk, all the time. In Colorado I've found the best social environment yet. People are friendly, but genuine, they've got common sense, but they're creative and interesting. At least this has been my experience, as an avid people-person, moving around the country.
If women are reacting strangely to your presence when they don't know you, as I mentioned it's like they've been...conditioned...or something. Maybe the environment that shaped their attitudes is a factor in that? Because I really do think that especially in the eastern US, there's a lot of "Do I know you? What do you want? What are you looking at?" going on, compared to other places. I mean, without knowing much about your location or life history or anything (and you don't have to say, if you don't want to) I'm just putting a theory out there for you to think about.
Friendliness in a given area can also with social class in a given community. My last girlfriend lives in a wealthy suburb. There everyone waved to each other and everyone was quite friendly. Her neighbors even those who never actually met me would wave at my car. My brother is on SSDI live in a much less affluent part of town. There no one talked to strangers and people I encountered regularly and had introduced myself to, still avoid eye contact let alone social pleasantries.
If this is truly a philosophical exercise, then he shouldn't have posted it in Romantic Relationships because doing so assumes a conclusion that the OP keeps claiming he doesn't want to reach anyway.
I think part of the issue here is that I tend to be very literal in my responses. When I say that I don't have the inclination nor desire to pursue women, that it absolutely true. However, for many people that means that I don't want to date people.
To me, this tells me that people assume that dating only happens when men doing the pursing. But, this has not been my experience. So, I think that something is getting lost in the translation.
I started questioning things a few years ago, and what I found was that most people don't understand my point of view. Reaching out (like in my first thread) to see if anyone else feels the same way, was sincere and honest, albeit unbelievable. This is not to say that I'm not open to change, but I would need to understand what I would be changing INTO first, and WHY I would be doing it. I'm still not sure, because it appears that many people have never really questioned these roles and rules of dating/ socializing.
It's like the Boy in the Plastic Bubble asking about skateboarding. He might be curious, but does it mean that he WANTS to skateboard? He'll never really know unless he leaves his bubble and tries it, but that would mean a MAJOR life change, and so rather than be hasty, he's asking about it first.
One thought, OP, and frankly I'm going to ignore the recent journey into people-hating because I don't think you're that kind of dude (trying to return a stranger's wallet, for instance)... I don't know what region you live in, but I can tell you something for a fact. Some places I've lived are a hell of a lot more casually friendly than others. In general. In Northern VA, people who don't know you seem nearly hostile. In contrast, when I lived on the west coast, despite what they say about the "Seattle freeze" I experienced people being super friendly but really fake (lot of back stabbers, for instance, and advantage takers, who pretended to be my bestest ever bestie pals.) In Iowa, people were pretty nice, had a lot of down to earth common sense, but they were boring to me because rarely did any of them want to discuss anything meaningful. It was all small talk, all the time. In Colorado I've found the best social environment yet. People are friendly, but genuine, they've got common sense, but they're creative and interesting. At least this has been my experience, as an avid people-person, moving around the country.
If women are reacting strangely to your presence when they don't know you, as I mentioned it's like they've been...conditioned...or something. Maybe the environment that shaped their attitudes is a factor in that? Because I really do think that especially in the eastern US, there's a lot of "Do I know you? What do you want? What are you looking at?" going on, compared to other places. I mean, without knowing much about your location or life history or anything (and you don't have to say, if you don't want to) I'm just putting a theory out there for you to think about.
I'm in California. It seems that friendliness isn't out of the norm around here. My friends are mostly extroverted types, and they think it's not a big deal socializing with random people, and don't "get" why any of this is an issue. So, this tells me that it probably is just some kind of "vibe" I'm giving off, or some kind of social skill that I need to work on.
I'm in California. It seems that friendliness isn't out of the norm around here. My friends are mostly extroverted types, and they think it's not a big deal socializing with random people, and don't "get" why any of this is an issue. So, this tells me that it probably is just some kind of "vibe" I'm giving off, or some kind of social skill that I need to work on.
Not to be mean, but you can be a 10, but if you come off as a weirdo, it doesn’t matter how you look. I’m sure everyone reading this thread is thinking the same thing, if this is what this guy is thinking in his head, how much more awkward is he in person.
I think part of the issue here is that I tend to be very literal in my responses. When I say that I don't have the inclination nor desire to pursue women, that it absolutely true. However, for many people that means that I don't want to date people.
To me, this tells me that people assume that dating only happens when men doing the pursing. But, this has not been my experience. So, I think that something is getting lost in the translation.
Perhaps, but it also makes you come off as disingenuous because it seems like you are choosing words carefully to avoid saying certain things. Writing that you have no desire to "pursue" women, knowing that many people take that to mean you don't want to DATE, comes across as a semantic game to the casual reader here.
Just say what you mean in the most direct way that can be absorbed by the most general audience.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,989,150 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by AfellowPerson
I think part of the issue here is that I tend to be very literal in my responses. When I say that I don't have the inclination nor desire to pursue women, that it absolutely true. However, for many people that means that I don't want to date people.
To me, this tells me that people assume that dating only happens when men doing the pursing. But, this has not been my experience. So, I think that something is getting lost in the translation.
I started questioning things a few years ago, and what I found was that most people don't understand my point of view. Reaching out (like in my first thread) to see if anyone else feels the same way, was sincere and honest, albeit unbelievable. This is not to say that I'm not open to change, but I would need to understand what I would be changing INTO first, and WHY I would be doing it. I'm still not sure, because it appears that many people have never really questioned these roles and rules of dating/ socializing.
It's like the Boy in the Plastic Bubble asking about skateboarding. He might be curious, but does it mean that he WANTS to skateboard? He'll never really know unless he leaves his bubble and tries it, but that would mean a MAJOR life change, and so rather than be hasty, he's asking about it first.
Jesus C. Get the bleep out of your head and start living life. You are absolutely your own worst enemy. If you want to date (fine), don't want to initiate or pursue (fine), the only other option is that the other person does the initiating/pursuing. For that to happen, you have to become someone another person wants enough to initiate/pursue. If that is never happening to you, then you're not that person right now. If you don't want to make the changes to become that person, you're SOL. If you do want to make those change, start doing it, now, today. It may take years or never happen, but you have to stop thinking and start doing.
Really damn simple. You're doing all these mental gymnastics to avoid the obvious. Stop rooster blocking yourself.
I'm in California. It seems that friendliness isn't out of the norm around here. My friends are mostly extroverted types, and they think it's not a big deal socializing with random people, and don't "get" why any of this is an issue. So, this tells me that it probably is just some kind of "vibe" I'm giving off, or some kind of social skill that I need to work on.
Are you going to post a picture? You started this thread saying you're ugly, but now you're talking about a vibe. First let's figure out if you're ugly. If women don't find you attractive, vibes don't matter
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