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The things I bolded are all the things that I honestly dont know what I am doing wrong. I dont think I am doing those things but maybe I am. I just wish someone would point that out to me if I was doing them.
If someone is telling me "I just didnt feel it" (which to me is the worst type of insult. What does that even mean?) or "No spark" (should bring 2 sticks to rub together?) instead of saying what i did that turned them off is what bothers me. I could be doing something terrible and not know what it is that I am doing wrong.
I actually was going to mention "spark", but decided against it in that post.
Let me ask you this; when you're talking to someone on that first date, do you express enthusiasm about anything? Are there topics that you can really warm up to? Are you engaging? (another vague term) Do you have a sense of humor? Are you relaxed on dates, or could you be coming across a little tense?
The things I bolded are all the things that I honestly dont know what I am doing wrong. I dont think I am doing those things but maybe I am. I just wish someone would point that out to me if I was doing them.
If someone is telling me "I just didnt feel it" (which to me is the worst type of insult. What does that even mean?) or "No spark" (should bring 2 sticks to rub together?) instead of saying what i did that turned them off is what bothers me. I could be doing something terrible and not know what it is that I am doing wrong.
You have never experienced clicking?
Some people we just almost instantly feel at ease with them. Like we've known each other before. Maybe in a past life? (When the feeling is really strong or uncanny). But usually its just like the conversation flows effortlessly. You laugh at the same things. Finish each other's sentences. Think the same thoughts at the same time. You are on the same wavelength.
Its not common to find this. Its like in 1 out of 100 random blind dates you might click with someone.
Most dates are like, well we got along ok but it was nothing special. The conversation lagged sometimes. There's nothing wrong with them but I can survive never seeing them again.
Its interesting that you don't know what it is to click with someone. That may be the crux of the issue right there.
Someone you've been on one date with doesn't owe you a debrief or a psychological profile. They're not being cruel, and you haven't necessarily done anything wrong. You didn't work out, thank you, next.
If I did nothing wrong, and they dont want to go out again, but they think I am a good person.......To not say why is pretty cruel. If they dont like you at all or think that you are a bad person its one thing (especially if its obvious) but if you think someone is nice but yet you dont want to see them again, to not say "why" is an awful thing to do. Why go out with them in the first place if you are going to do that?
Some people we just almost instantly feel at ease with them. Like we've known each other before. Maybe in a past life? (When the feeling is really strong or uncanny). But usually its just like the conversation flows effortlessly. You laugh at the same things. Finish each other's sentences. Think the same thoughts at the same time. You are on the same wavelength.
Its not common to find this. Its like in 1 out of 100 random blind dates you might click with someone.
Most dates are like, well we got along ok but it was nothing special. The conversation lagged sometimes. There's nothing wrong with them but I can survive never seeing them again.
Its interesting that you don't know what it is to click with someone. That may be the crux of the issue right there.
100% accurate.
When you meet somebody, whether it be platonic or romantic... the chemistry / fit is by degrees.
For some ppl, you know you won't like them and them you.
For others, you know that you can hang with them and it would be fun.
And for the rare rare individual, everything seems to click. The feeling of ease for BOTH parties is amazing. Like you said, it's almost like you were best friends in another life.
I had the pleasure of meeting such a person. Whenever we had the chance to be together, it was always easy going. No expectations. We chided each other and talked and laughed freely like we have known each other for life. On our first date, she insisted I stay at her place afterwards. It wasn't forced, it was easy going with zero pressure. She was by far the most amazing woman I've ever met. Strong, independent, smart and definitely knows how to have fun.
Some people we just almost instantly feel at ease with them. Like we've known each other before. Maybe in a past life? (When the feeling is really strong or uncanny). But usually its just like the conversation flows effortlessly. You laugh at the same things. Finish each other's sentences. Think the same thoughts at the same time. You are on the same wavelength.
Its not common to find this. Its like in 1 out of 100 random blind dates you might click with someone.
Most dates are like, well we got along ok but it was nothing special. The conversation lagged sometimes. There's nothing wrong with them but I can survive never seeing them again.
Its interesting that you don't know what it is to click with someone. That may be the crux of the issue right there.
I have felt at ease with people before and others have told me the same.
I have had dates where the conversation flowed very well and got along great.
What I have in bold makes no sense to me. If I liked someone and they had all the right things I liked, why not go out again?
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by festivusTime
If I liked someone and they had all the right things I liked, why not go out again?
No chemistry. I know you don't get it, but that's the answer.
Since I've moved to RI about 6 years ago, at your age, I've gone out with I don't even know how many scores of first meetings from OLD. Almost all were nice people I liked talking to, laughed with, had good conversations with, and shared most values. There were a couple of clunkers, but not many.
If there wasn't chemistry, we didn't go out a second time. There was no reason to. It would be a waste of time.
I have felt at ease with people before and others have told me the same.
I have had dates where the conversation flowed very well and got along great.
What I have in bold makes no sense to me. If I liked someone and they had all the right things I liked, why not go out again?
Some people just really want that really powerful chemistry right off the bat. I am usually willing to keep dating even if it's "meh", but a lot of people aren't. They are too busy or are just looking for that rare rare chemistry.
Clicking is something a bit more than "They are nice and I like them all right."
Its more a POW! Like the type of thing that makes you call your best friend and say "Wowwwww I met someone amazing!"
No chemistry. I know you don't get it, but that's the answer.
Since I've moved to RI about 6 years ago, at your age, I've gone out with I don't even know how many scores of first meetings from OLD. Almost all were nice people I liked talking to, laughed with, had good conversations with, and shared most values. There were a couple of clunkers, but not many.
If there wasn't chemistry, we didn't go out a second time. There was no reason to. It would be a waste of time.
I understand the clunkers. But if you met someone you liked talking to, laugh with, share values, and had a general interest in, why not go out again unless there was something about them you didnt like (ex. looks, schedule difficulties, smell bad, etc)? And if the other person seemed interested, why not say why no date 2. Maybe its a problem that they can fix in the future (not with you, but someone else).
If someone has some "iffy" parts to them on a first date but you like talking with them, why not go out again? The whole idea of knowing within the first 5 seconds of meeting someone doesnt make much sense to me (unless they are not what they said they were).
I understand the clunkers. But if you met someone you liked talking to, laugh with, share values, and had a general interest in, why not go out again unless there was something about them you didnt like (ex. looks, schedule difficulties, smell bad, etc)? And if the other person seemed interested, why not say why no date 2. Maybe its a problem that they can fix in the future (not with you, but someone else).
The bottom line is that there are plenty of decent, friendly people that I can have a nice chat with, but I still don't want to make out with them.
Number of lonely, single men is on the rise as women with higher dating standards look for partners who are are 'emotionally available, good communicators, and share similar values', says psychologist
GOOD! If these men (or women) would act right & know how to treat someone, maybe they'll finally have a partner & if they're single forever, oh well!
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