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I'm a woman and I don't think like this; I give the man three dates before I can make a decision.
I don't base my dating on first meet sexual chemistry; I like to take my time and get to know the person face to face first for three dates before deciding if we should proceed further.
That is good to hear. You seem like you have a good approach to dating.
Chemistry is English. It's been explained well by multiple people, multiple times.
Chemistry the branch of science that deals with the properties, composition, and structure of elements and compounds, how they can change, and the energy that is released or absorbed when they change. The Periodic Table of Elements doesnt really help with dating.
Because it’s not really fair to lead someone on for date after date if you know it isn’t going to work out. I know people who did that- a person checked all the boxes on paper- but when it came down to it, the chemistry wasn’t there. I had one friend who even got engaged to someone in this situation and was with her for 4 years. That was 4 years she could have spent with someone else.
I have done this and didn't realize I was doing something wrong. It was to me like "We both want to go out Friday night. Let's go together." I guess to me it was a friend thing but to the guy he might have thought we were dating and building something. If I had known that I wouldn't have led him on. I didn't know he was into me that way but it turned out he was actually trying to push up on me proper (because he told me so after getting upset that I didn't actually see him that way). I mistook his propriety for being friendzoned when it was more that he respected me and saw me as a respectable woman he was courting.
All around miscommunication that could have and eventually did get cleared up with some honest conversation.
Just to explain how it can happen that someone can accidentally lead someone on, and why a lot of people try to avoid doing this. It often leads to messiness and hurt feelings.
But as to the topic at hand. I think three or so dates are good to figure out if there can be deeper chemistry. If things are still kind of meh after that might be better to move on. People don't want to be led on or waste time.
I understand the clunkers. But if you met someone you liked talking to, laugh with, share values, and had a general interest in, why not go out again unless there was something about them you didnt like (ex. looks, schedule difficulties, smell bad, etc)? And if the other person seemed interested, why not say why no date 2. Maybe its a problem that they can fix in the future (not with you, but someone else).
If someone has some "iffy" parts to them on a first date but you like talking with them, why not go out again? The whole idea of knowing within the first 5 seconds of meeting someone doesnt make much sense to me (unless they are not what they said they were).
The reasons for people not wanting to out with you again, or go out with you at all, can vary from person to person.
And here's a hint: It's not always about *you*.
People date for different reasons. Some do so because they just don't want to sit home alone on a Friday night. And while their date was "nice", well...just being "nice" won't cut it in the long run. Or maybe their date was "nice" and even had some shared values, and shared a few laughs. But the other person realized that they're just not ready to date right now. In those cases (and others), it would have NOTHING to do with you.
In some ways, I see dating a lot like...
...music.
Some songs I hear are just 'eh'. Others cause me to turn them off. Nothing necessarily 'wrong' with the songs, but they're just not my cup of tea.
Then are those few...that every time I hear them, I get goose bumps...or, I suddenly get in a GREAT mood, even if my mood was fine before...and I crank that volume WAY up. After the song is over, I feel like I want more...
But I wouldn't be able to necessarily tell you WHY I like a particular song. And frankly, trying to analyze the 'why' would take the enjoyment right out of it. It's simply a feeling I get when I hear those songs.
Dating isn't like some math equation that needs to be figured out. It's more like an 'art'.
And sometimes, in order to get someone's attention, you gotta 'paint' outside the lines...
The reasons for people not wanting to out with you again, or go out with you at all, can vary from person to person.
And here's a hint: It's not always about *you*.
People date for different reasons. Some do so because they just don't want to sit home alone on a Friday night. And while their date was "nice", well...just being "nice" won't cut it in the long run. Or maybe their date was "nice" and even had some shared values, and shared a few laughs. But the other person realized that they're just not ready to date right now. In those cases (and others), it would have NOTHING to do with you.
In some ways, I see dating a lot like...
...music.
Some songs I hear are just 'eh'. Others cause me to turn them off. Nothing necessarily 'wrong' with the songs, but they're just not my cup of tea.
Then are those few...that every time I hear them, I get goose bumps...or, I suddenly get in a GREAT mood, even if my mood was fine before...and I crank that volume WAY up. After the song is over, I feel like I want more...
But I wouldn't be able to necessarily tell you WHY I like a particular song. And frankly, trying to analyze the 'why' would take the enjoyment right out of it. It's simply a feeling I get when I hear those songs.
Dating isn't like some math equation that needs to be figured out. It's more like an 'art'.
And sometimes, in order to get someone's attention, you gotta 'paint' outside the lines...
Good analogy.
And there are some songs that make me wanna barf... "Hooked on a Feeling" by Biue Swede, the 'licorice' of music. Yuck!
But... good point. Everyone likes different things and there is no 'rulebook' for it.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by festivusTime
Chemistry the branch of science that deals with the properties, composition, and structure of elements and compounds, how they can change, and the energy that is released or absorbed when they change. The Periodic Table of Elements doesnt really help with dating.
If you're being serious, that's your problem. Overly literal. Interpersonal chemistry is real, and well examined. I'll refer you to Carl Jung's definition of it. Or, if you want to go all technical and peer reviewed scientific journal bit, which is fine by me having STEM degrees, here:
Reis, Harry; Regan, Annie; Lyubmirsky, Sonya "Interpersonal Chemistry: What is it, how does it emerge, and how does it operate?" Perspectives of Psychological Science. August 2021.
Good luck. Seems like you don't want help. (And BTW, yes, and understanding of chemistry DOES help wih dating; there is a reason why the term chemistry is used... the parallels are striking; how molecules form, atoms connect, energy given off and/or needing to be put in, things become more than and different from their elements... exactly what is is all about).
Chemistry (which I would define as common interests, sense of humor, background, communication) is a component.
I would say my greatest chemistry was with one of my exes. We liked very many of the same things and came from somewhat similar backgrounds, but we also fought constantly and badly.
Also my good buddy's ex-fiance, as an observer, I thought their chemistry was excellent. Similar sense of humor, background, but ... terrible and horrid fights and threats of chopping off sexual organs.
As for the rest of my friends, I would describe the chemistry with their wives to be fair to phenomenal.
Obviously, if you have enough options so that you don't have to compromise on anything, then you don't. Otherwise, may people compromise on 'some' chemistry, financial independence, trust/loyalty, constitution, etc.
There's also people on CD who claim to be able to get easy six figure job after six figure job working from home. That may be true but that doesn't mean I/you can get those jobs...
I'm a woman and I don't think like this; I give the man three dates before I can make a decision.
I don't base my dating on first meet sexual chemistry; I like to take my time and get to know the person face to face first for three dates before deciding if we should proceed further.
Actually, me too when I was dating. On a first date, especially from OLD it is very hard to tell when you meet a stranger for a short time. But apparently most people here expect instant, overwhelming chemistry... Not sure what the situation is in RL...
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