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I was hoping to get a few thoughts and perspectives on a situation that just happened to me and I'm not sure how to feel or deal with it all yet.
My girlfriend and I have been dating for 4 months, ever since I met her after moving to a new town to start a new career after finishing professional school. We had just gotten back from a trip out of town that I had invited her to join me on so she could meet my extended family as well as siblings and parents who were also going to the same place (it was a family reunion type event) and all in all we had a great time.
Anyhow, after getting off the road I went to go take a shower and after getting out I immediately noticed that her mood had radically shifted. Long story short, she said she had been snooping around my computer while I was showering and found a video file of me and my ex having sex. Nothing crazy or extreme, just two people fumbling about early in their relationship together.
She was obviously upset and saying how she didn't understand why I still had that on my computer at this point, and how it made her feel like she wasn't enough for me.
I explained to her that during my trip back to my parent's home about a week ago I picked up the hard drive that that file was on, because my dad had said that whatever items I didn't take with me he would donate to charity or use himself (I had a lot of other spare computer parts I brought back with me too). I had plugged it in with the intention of deleting that file amongst the many other randomly scattered files from school and such that I no longer needed, but simply hadn't gotten around to it as I was working and preparing for our trip, and honestly it just wasn't something pressing on my mind, whether that is right or wrong. I told her I hadn't looked at the video and had no desire to. My ex and I parted on very bad terms (she cheated on me) and I have no desire to have anything to do with her ever again.
She stormed out and hasn't taken my calls since, only sending me an occasional text voicing her shock and pain at seeing the video and knowing I still had it as well as questioning me if I was still in contact with my ex (which I am not).
I regret not having deleted it right away, and I'm truly sorry it hurt her, especially since the file means nothing to me and I went ahead and wiped the drive immediately after she left without hesitation.
We have had a wonderful 4 months together which I hope will continue far into the future but it troubles me that she felt the need to snoop on my computer when I have given her no outward reason to.
She knows that my previous relationship lasted 7 years, and I sometimes think she is insecure that I genuinely want to be with her, which I do.
I want to work this out with her, and make her trust me, but at the same time, I don't want to let her paint me as a "bad guy" in a way I don't feel I deserve. I understand why she feels upset, and respect her perspective, but just don't think it is accurate to the reality as it is.
Ugh I don't understand why the need to snoop around one's SO's... that was wrong on her part. I would be **** off if I caught my boyfriend snooping on me because it would mean he doesn't trust me. In the mean time, I think you should let her come to her senses. If not, then there are plenty of other fishes out there who don't give you any drama.
While I can understand her initial sense of shock and hurt, I present the following:
- If she stormed out and never took your calls and also never contacted you, it would mean she's done.
- If she stormed out and didn't take your calls for a few days, DIDN'T text anything either, and finally relented because she wanted to talk, it would mean she's hurt but wants to figure things out.
- Since she's stormed out, won't take your calls BUT texts you with messages about how hurt she is, WITHOUT suggesting anything regarding talking the matter over, IT MEANS SHE WANTS YOU TO GROVEL.
Sorry for the bad timing and bad luck but if this is how she's handling this and she's NOT letting you explain, I'd close the door and move on. 4 wonderful months may be, but if this is your future (and believe me, if she's acting this way now she'll be carrying this card around to use for a long time) it's NOT worth it. You'll be setting yourself up as the fall-guy for whatever item she wants to nit-pick and argue about in the future and she'll be able to pull this one out as a trump (in her eyes) for quite some time to come, over and over.
Again, sorry about the bad luck (if it's entirely true) but I advise walking and not looking back. If she confronts you over your lack of response (likely with accusations of "obviously not REALLY caring or you'd be trying") I'd tell her "Remember those phone calls you wouldn't accept or return? That was me trying. Remember how you kept texting me about how hurt you were but you never mentioned working this out? That was you playing games. I may have screwed up but I refuse to be anyone's doormat."
LOL....well, what happens when you go snooping??...sometimes you find things you don't want to!
I would have a problem with her snooping behind my back and then getting upset. Especially when you haven't given her a reason to mistust you (I'm assuming). If you want to spend your time putting up with childish insecurities then by all means, be my guest. You've stated your position as the truth, if she can't handle it then that's her problem.
Everyone has a past and if she is constantly bringing it up as a source of contention then it's best to move on.
Thanks all for the early responses, especially you Urban, your post lays out some harsh truths I have been thinking about myself.
My ex, ironically enough, did just all that, she was never wrong and busted my hump about every little thing I did "wrong" real or perceived and after that mess I promised myself I would not be a doormat again. If I was wrong, I'd man up and admit it, but if I was not, I'd attempt to reach understanding, but not simply take the fall.
This isn't the first time she has done things a long these lines. A few weeks ago a facebook post she had made on my wall saying she <3 me disappeared. I told her I didn't erase it, that all her other similarly cutesy posts where still clearly there and perhaps while I was updating a status I may have accidentally deleted something (i use iphone facebook app). Anyways, she had none of it and held it up as a sign that I was somehow embarrassed by her or trying to hide her from "someone" who might be watching my facebook. Again, nevermind that every other similar post she had made was still right there for everyone to see.
When we first met, I was open and honest with my past. I have nothing to hide, and I also knew she worked with my brother-in-law so I didn't want her to ever feel like I was hiding something if she heard something randomly from him. Honestly, I sort of regret that now as I think it may have set her up with insecurity about "us" from the get go. Sometimes I feel like she started me from the negative column from the get go, and I find it frustrating that I am now having to justify my past relationship with her, even though I am fully committed to my present and future with her.
I was hoping to get a few thoughts and perspectives on a situation that just happened to me and I'm not sure how to feel or deal with it all yet.
My girlfriend and I have been dating for 4 months, ever since I met her after moving to a new town to start a new career after finishing professional school. We had just gotten back from a trip out of town that I had invited her to join me on so she could meet my extended family as well as siblings and parents who were also going to the same place (it was a family reunion type event) and all in all we had a great time.
Anyhow, after getting off the road I went to go take a shower and after getting out I immediately noticed that her mood had radically shifted. Long story short, she said she had been snooping around my computer while I was showering and found a video file of me and my ex having sex. Nothing crazy or extreme, just two people fumbling about early in their relationship together.
She was obviously upset and saying how she didn't understand why I still had that on my computer at this point, and how it made her feel like she wasn't enough for me.
*snip*
I want to work this out with her, and make her trust me, but at the same time, I don't want to let her paint me as a "bad guy" in a way I don't feel I deserve. I understand why she feels upset, and respect her perspective, but just don't think it is accurate to the reality as it is.
Lessons learned:
1. Do not leave your computer on around your S/O if you haven't been dating that long.
2. Password protect your computer.
3. You're dating someone who has no respect for your privacy. You want to work things out with her...why?
Ha, well my ex wasn't the greatest looker (but I cared for her for who she was overall, even if it turned out to be all wrong), especially compared to the current gf, something the current gf made a point of stating with some disdain when talking about watching the video...I felt that was rather hurtful.
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