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I was hoping to get a few thoughts and perspectives on a situation that just happened to me and I'm not sure how to feel or deal with it all yet.
My girlfriend and I have been dating for 4 months, ever since I met her after moving to a new town to start a new career after finishing professional school. We had just gotten back from a trip out of town that I had invited her to join me on so she could meet my extended family as well as siblings and parents who were also going to the same place (it was a family reunion type event) and all in all we had a great time.
Anyhow, after getting off the road I went to go take a shower and after getting out I immediately noticed that her mood had radically shifted. Long story short, she said she had been snooping around my computer while I was showering and found a video file of me and my ex having sex. Nothing crazy or extreme, just two people fumbling about early in their relationship together.
She was obviously upset and saying how she didn't understand why I still had that on my computer at this point, and how it made her feel like she wasn't enough for me.
I explained to her that during my trip back to my parent's home about a week ago I picked up the hard drive that that file was on, because my dad had said that whatever items I didn't take with me he would donate to charity or use himself (I had a lot of other spare computer parts I brought back with me too). I had plugged it in with the intention of deleting that file amongst the many other randomly scattered files from school and such that I no longer needed, but simply hadn't gotten around to it as I was working and preparing for our trip, and honestly it just wasn't something pressing on my mind, whether that is right or wrong. I told her I hadn't looked at the video and had no desire to. My ex and I parted on very bad terms (she cheated on me) and I have no desire to have anything to do with her ever again.
She stormed out and hasn't taken my calls since, only sending me an occasional text voicing her shock and pain at seeing the video and knowing I still had it as well as questioning me if I was still in contact with my ex (which I am not).
I regret not having deleted it right away, and I'm truly sorry it hurt her, especially since the file means nothing to me and I went ahead and wiped the drive immediately after she left without hesitation.
We have had a wonderful 4 months together which I hope will continue far into the future but it troubles me that she felt the need to snoop on my computer when I have given her no outward reason to.
She knows that my previous relationship lasted 7 years, and I sometimes think she is insecure that I genuinely want to be with her, which I do.
I want to work this out with her, and make her trust me, but at the same time, I don't want to let her paint me as a "bad guy" in a way I don't feel I deserve. I understand why she feels upset, and respect her perspective, but just don't think it is accurate to the reality as it is.
She is an insecure little girl - let her go and find yourself a real woman.
You didn't do anything wrong - SHE did. Don't you dare grovel to her.
- Since she's stormed out, won't take your calls BUT texts you with messages about how hurt she is, WITHOUT suggesting anything regarding talking the matter over, IT MEANS SHE WANTS YOU TO GROVEL.
Sorry for the bad timing and bad luck but if this is how she's handling this and she's NOT letting you explain, I'd close the door and move on. 4 wonderful months may be, but if this is your future (and believe me, if she's acting this way now she'll be carrying this card around to use for a long time) it's NOT worth it. You'll be setting yourself up as the fall-guy for whatever item she wants to nit-pick and argue about in the future and she'll be able to pull this one out as a trump (in her eyes) for quite some time to come, over and over.
Again, sorry about the bad luck (if it's entirely true) but I advise walking and not looking back. If she confronts you over your lack of response (likely with accusations of "obviously not REALLY caring or you'd be trying") I'd tell her "Remember those phone calls you wouldn't accept or return? That was me trying. Remember how you kept texting me about how hurt you were but you never mentioned working this out? That was you playing games. I may have screwed up but I refuse to be anyone's doormat."
This... all of this... exactly.
Especially in light of the Facebook fiasco. Seriously, you've experienced your future with this woman... it is never going to be any different. You will spend the rest of your life defending yourself against insane and irrational accusations which you will not be able to "logic" your way out of. For her, this isn't about logic... it's about how she feels, and her need for you to validate her feelings... constantly... endlessly... no matter the cost to you.
Urban made some great points. She wants you to grovel. She's a drama queen. And the violation of privacy is a huge one, at least for me. The visual of her waiting for you to jump in the shower so she can go through your stuff isn't very flattering. It's sneaky and I despise sneaky. She owes you a huge apology.
I'm with Avienne as well. Password protect your computer from now on.
Pink slip. There are plenty of wonderful, emotionally healthy women out there.
Ha, well my ex wasn't the greatest looker (but I cared for her for who she was overall, even if it turned out to be all wrong), especially compared to the current gf, something the current gf made a point of stating with some disdain when talking about watching the video...I felt that was rather hurtful.
That's just a sign of her jealousy and insecurity, which are already recognizable.
I agree with Urban to an extent--I believe this girlfriend does want you to grovel. But I don't know that the two of you are automatically over. Because you really liked this girl up to this point, I advise you to just back WAY off--no more phone calls or texts except maybe ONE to say, "Call me when you are ready to talk"--and then just wait and see. Give her the chance to see what she is throwing away. If she cannot see that, good riddance, but perhaps she can. Everybody makes mistakes and has done juvenile things at times, but that is how we learn and grow.
Location: i liv in a town, on the world..lol.. wat about evry1 else?? hehe
42 posts, read 89,880 times
Reputation: 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunflower_lol
Ugh I don't understand why the need to snoop around one's SO's... that was wrong on her part. I would be **** off if I caught my boyfriend snooping on me because it would mean he doesn't trust me. In the mean time, I think you should let her come to her senses. If not, then there are plenty of other fishes out there who don't give you any drama.
i agree!!! snooping means lack of trust!! tisk-tisk
Yes Mom. Don't forget to eat your peas and carrots too!
HA! Well, if he does grovel he'll be less a man and she'll never grow up and learn her lesson.
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