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For another perspective on the subject, I was told by an astrologer once that I had a Uranian family when I wanted a Neptunian family. I didn't know what that meant, but she said the people guided by an Uranus are independent and those guided by Neptune are more affiliative.
Just for those who might be interested in astrological explanations.
So perhaps happy families are created by example or perhaps there is genetics involved as well.
Many seem to feel genetics and role models are the key to families that get along.
So Tolstoy had it right when he said "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."
Maybe genetics helps in having a naturally cheerful and forgiving nature and when such people become parents they also become role models. I don't think this about class or how much money you have because estrangement seems to happen in all kinds of families.
What about the rest of us? If not genetically blessed, can we learn to act like those who create happy families?
I wish I had wisdom to share, but to be honest I don't think being a retiree or being older gives you any special insight as to how to have a happy family. Mostly it's something you learn as a child or maybe something you simply have an instinct for.
You could try changing a few attitudes, but I'm not really sure if attitude changes will help all that much if your life is filled with dysfunctional/dramatic people. Acceptance that life isn't perfect (and other people definitely aren't perfect) could help. Learning to let things go could help. It might help to develop a distaste for drama, or to learn how to resist the urge to over analyze things. But mostly I think it's a matter of filling your life with people who already know how to be content and letting children learn from example.
The one bit of advice I can give is this: Avoid the temptation to discuss your relationship challenges on the internet. Also, avoid the temptation to criticize family members online or reveal personal info about a family member. I know, it's hard to resist sometimes and I've done it myself (and then regretted it). Sooner or later someone in the family will find out, they take it the wrong way, and that makes things so much worse. Maybe you think it's a good way to let them know you're angry about something, but that usually backfires. If you really need to work through some relationship issues, talk to a friend or a therapist--don't put it in writing and especially don't post it online. Just my two cents.
If you really need to work through some relationship issues, talk to a friend or a therapist--don't put it in writing and especially don't post it online. Just my two cents.
i believe it is healthier to first work it through with the family member involved directly, if you value the relationship. from time to time i have had hard feelings and falling out with my two sisters who are older to me and also my niece who is closer to my own age. the conversations are not easy and the issues don't get resolved but over time forgiveness happens, understanding happens, and we are again on good terms. this is the way it has been in my family, as if we just cannot let the relationship go. my 2 brothers have had falling out as well for different reasons, difficult ones. but always there have been apologies, which are not immediately accepted, but time and distance smoothes things out and it is back to the way things were. i am very grateful it is like this in my family. it fills me with grief when things are not ok between us because my siblings are my link to my history.
i follow the same thing with my daughter and son. we just have to talk about it, resolve the issues, make the apologies, give the forgiveness. but you need to want the relationship to go through with this. i don't believe in silence and pretending nothing is wrong. that is just trouble. this is one thing i ask of them as well.
^^ These seem like general relationship questions, not questions related to retirement. Might be better to ask this in the Relationships Forum.
I agree. This thread started out for people to be able to tell their stories, if they wanted to, without judgment and condemnation. For them to simply know that they are not alone. I still hope it will be remain that way to the end.
And most listeners have been so kind and gracious that -- who knows -- maybe one or two will get counseling (if they already haven't) and either find a way back or be able to move on. But if none of this happens -- this thread has "restored my faith in humanity" simply because of the goodness and kindness of most everyone who has posted their stories and those who have responded with empathy.
I had a wonderful relationship with my father, it was based on mutual respect and common interests. We both worked on enriching each others lives.
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