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In a lot of cases I've seen, the reasons for estrangement are far in the past and/or petty. Children and parents, whomever is holding the grudge, need to learn to swallow their pride. I've seen it work more often than not.
I think it takes a little luck AND work. We were pretty much The Walton Family -- -- until my daughter's mental illness struck. It's so easy for one tragedy to blow a family apart. But then other families stick together during and after a tragedy. I don't know how that happens, but it does happen, and I'm glad it happens.
I am SO looking forward to reading happy families.
bumping this thread up.
i know a close relative whose family has suffered due to the mental illness one member is suffering. i have no advice for such a family as to how best to cope with this and how to keep the family together happy and healthy.
this family has kind of alienated everyone because of shame, secrecy. i am not sure how to even talk to them anymore.
what advice, if any, do those who have gone through such tragedy have? how does it happen when families stick together?
I think it's genetics. I grew up not know some uncles and then they'd waltz into my life while other uncles would disappear. I see it with my brothers, my mother liked to stir things up, carry gossip and get us to dislike each other. We were never a Norman Rockwell depiction as far back as I can remember. I know of other families who fight openly then hug and laugh. I truly think this is the secret, to get it out and get over it, but again, it has to be ingrained in all parties to move on. Genetics.
this describe my own family and the family i grew up in. siblings have stopped talking to each other for years, have grievances against our parents, but we have also been able to bury the past somehow and be together.
it is the same with us. my children and i have terrible disagreements, remembering events differently, lots of hurt feeling on all sides. but still we talk it out and with god's help we are still together and take pleasure in company.
what bugs me is my husband gets off scott free! they never express any resentment or comaplints about him other than that he was a such a tight wad when they were growing up, but they have totally forgiven that.
this is a very good attitude to have for personal peace of mind and happiness. but i have serious doubt that this promotes happiness and harmony in interpersonal relationships for every problem that comes up. at best it produces tolerance for a short period of time.
bumping this thread up.
i know a close relative whose family has suffered due to the mental illness one member is suffering. i have no advice for such a family as to how best to cope with this and how to keep the family together happy and healthy.
this family has kind of alienated everyone because of shame, secrecy. i am not sure how to even talk to them anymore.
what advice, if any, do those who have gone through such tragedy have? how does it happen when families stick together?
Someone once said parents are only as happy as their least happy child. When one in the family is having really hard times, it often brings down the energy overall of the family. Some families can completely ignore or at least put into the background a struggling individual. Others feel brought down by it either through frustration or anger or shame or a sense of helplessness. I don't think there's many jolly families all around; it's a complex mix and the "we're one big happy family" can be a projected veneer, as seen in so many Christmas newsletters this time of year. That's not a negative observation, just a reality.
I read the other thread about estranged relationships. Very sad and disturbing and can so easily happen to any of us and for any reason. I am glad so many of you who have gone through such incredible difficulty have managed to find some solace and happiness. You are the survivors. Those of you still struggling, I hope you get to a good place and wish you strength and courage. Thank you for sharing your stories. It is indeed good to know one is not alone when going through such heartache, and also that one can survive it.
I was wondering if it would be equally helpful to share what worked, how do happy families manage to keep it together. I think it is luck for the most part. But are there things one can consciously do to make sure we all hang together? It is good for everyone, for all generations, when the family is solid. How do we make it happen?
I tell my son (the younger) and daughter (elder) that they need to be there for each other, no matter what. If there are misunderstandings, hurt feelings, talk it out. Mend it. We are a small family and we need each other. I don't know if it will work.
I think it takes maturity(and sometimes therapy lol) even when other family members may not be mature. I honestly cannot fathom never speaking to a family member and we are not always the perfect happy family. When push comes to shove, my family is almost always there for each other no matter any other bad blood or water under the bridge.
I think it also helps to understand why problem family members are the way they are. My father and I have always had a difficult relationship. As an adult I have come to understand whats behind most of his "difficultness". Most of it is related to his own alchoholic father, enabling mother and chaotic childhood. It would be great if he got therapy and resolved his issues, but hes from a generation that is not going to do that. It makes it easier for me to have compassion for him and to shrug off some of the things he does that might otherwise be really hurtful.
I try to look for the good in family members rather than focusing on their faults.
I try to establish boundaries to keep family members who are dysfunctional from imposing that dysfunction on me. Sometimes it works sometime not. I am more likely to say this is upsetting me and I cant talk about it anymore now, than to say Im never speaking to you again because you upset me.
As for my siblings, I try keep in mind that there may come a time when we are all we have.
I try to focus more on my role than on the other persons. I can manipulate or manage to some extent whether my parents are good parents or my siblings are good siblings, but really the only thing I have absolute control over is whether I am a good daughter or sibling. I try to focus on what I can control and let the rest go.
I choose my battles. Not every battle needs to be fought or won.
I think when we compare ourselves and our families to others, we forget that what is shown out of the family home is often not what goes on behind their front door. Some people are very good at masking the reality from the fiction.
I think when we compare ourselves and our families to others, we forget that what is shown out of the family home is often not what goes on behind their front door. Some people are very good at masking the reality from the fiction.
you are so right. I continue to be shocked at what I find out about my school friends home life. Several have told us some terrible stories.
I think when we compare ourselves and our families to others, we forget that what is shown out of the family home is often not what goes on behind their front door. Some people are very good at masking the reality from the fiction.
Memories are selective or truly different sometimes too.
When my Mom and Aunt (her older sister by six years) got together and talked, i would have thought they had a different set of parents if I didn't know better. I could tell my Mom wasn't believing my Aunt when she told her about my grandparents coming home from the movie theater on dish night. They were arguing and Grandma threw the dish at Grandpa. She remember many arguments and similar stories and Mom said she didn't remember anything like that at all. I believed both of them. Mom was the baby of the family and there was more money by then, while her sister was living in the leaner years, with less mature parents under more stress. It made a difference.
My sister and I are three years apart and have a different slant from each other on our family life which is to be expected, but it's not even close to the differences of my Mom and Aunt. Even with their different viewpoints, they agreed to disagree and managed to enjoy each other.
Last edited by jean_ji; 12-17-2015 at 10:31 AM..
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-- until my daughter's mental illness struck. It's so easy for one tragedy to blow a family apart. But then other families stick together during and after a tragedy. I don't know how that happens, but it does happen, and I'm glad it happens. 
