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What is advice on how a parent should approach hostilities or estrangements between one's children?
Do you think a parent's wishes or influence have any impact on the children?
Or should the parent just keep their mouth shut and hope that they resolve their differences in time - even if it is not in your lifetime?
Keep your mouth shut. If a child tries to drag you into the dispute, simply remind him or her that the sibling he or she is criticizing is YOUR child. End of story.
I'm from a rather large family - and now that we are all older - the youngest is 52 this year - the oldest will turn 70.
I absolutely treasure their company. We've been through a lot together - and we've reminisced together all throughout the years. Mom is still alive.... and we are all her caregiver.
We just don't sweat the small stuff. We all have our trials and tribulations in life - both my brothers have gone through divorce, there's serious illnesses, cancer, etc.... but we all come together in the end and know we have a safe place to share.
My spouse, on the other hand, is not and will not ever be on speaking terms with his sister - his only sibling. She's never grown up. End of story.
He has found "family" in mine - and has a bevy of male cousins he sees as his brothers. I'm glad they are there for him.
^^ These seem like general relationship questions, not questions related to retirement. Might be better to ask this in the Relationships Forum.
No, the questions were very specific to the topic of retirees and family happiness. I recall that you have very stringent preferences for threads, but everyone interprets thread input differently and I would like to know from people who are moved to answer, what their advice might be on a parent trying to help a sibling estrangement or keep their mouth shut.
What is advice on how a parent should approach hostilities or estrangements between one's children?
Do you think a parent's wishes or influence have any impact on the children?
Or should the parent just keep their mouth shut and hope that they resolve their differences in time - even if it is not in your lifetime?
It will be very upsetting for me if my 2 children are estranged. I would talk to them individually and ask them to work it out. If that does not work I will have a family intervention and have a discussion. I will be unable to give up on them until they resolve it. I will not take sides but let them vent to me.
I think that is part of being a parent, no matter at what age. That's just me.
It may be different for others.
The relationships in my family that have worked the best are between folks who are interested in celebrating the good news and triumphs, even small ones. They don't show up only when something has gone awry, but when something unhappy does occur, they are supportive without being judgmental.
I am so grateful for my wonderful grandparents, who included me in the routines of their daily lives, taught me so much about self-sufficiency, (especially gardening), gave me a real appreciation for what it took for my ancestors to establish themselves in a new country in the early 1700s. I loved their stories and appreciated their work ethic.
Just thinking about them makes me feel good. My paternal g/mother had such bad arthritis and still pushed on, with a kind countenance, until the day she died.
When I have physical challenges and think "I can't do this!" --my g/mother comes to mind and I think--if she made it, so can I!
My grandparents, all 4 of them, made me feel so very special, loved and appreciated. There is nothing more affirming for a child than to realize that it doesn't matter how often you walk into a room, you will always be met by faces that seem to light up just because you exist.
I always felt if I could make others feel as appreciated as my g/parents made me feel, then I would be a good mom, spouse, sister and friend.
I was blessed by having those precious years with my wonderful grandparents.
So to me, being a good grandparent can provide something that a child may not experience from anyone else, and which could be of utmost importance to a child's sense of well-being and self esteem. And that is all a bonus -- just the precious memories alone can be some of the most treasured remembrances throughout a person's entire lifetime.
Last edited by brokensky; 05-11-2013 at 10:26 PM..
I think often we learn from what we saw i aprents but often do not copy necessarily. IMO;the key to a happy a marriage is two peoploe who think as both being important not just self.It means giving up self interest to a large degree ebcause you want to live happily over self interest.It starts with the married couple first then children second.
I read once, this is not verbatim but you get the picture, "Love is how you feel about yourself in the presence of another. I'm still beautiful in the eyes of my husband after 42 years but to my mother I was always a disappointment. There's truth to this adage. We gravitate toward those who make us feel like we can accomplish anything and steer clear of those who send us negative messages.
It will be very upsetting for me if my 2 children are estranged. I would talk to them individually and ask them to work it out. If that does not work I will have a family intervention and have a discussion. I will be unable to give up on them until they resolve it. I will not take sides but let them vent to me.
I think that is part of being a parent, no matter at what age. That's just me.
It may be different for others.
While this is really admirable, and I really get where you're coming from - when there is mental illness that's not recognized or diagnosed - or a sociopathy - as in the case of my SIL - it's really better not to push people together.
Some people are just toxic. And it's healthier to NOT deal with them.
I think this has been key for me! Along with putting some physical distance between myself and some of my extended family. Our extended family was always 'close'. Family dinners, vacations, etc. However, when my mother died, it became apparent that SHE was the one that did all the inviting, planning, cooking, entertaining, etc. Suddenly that fell to me. As a single working mother - with other women in my family not working at all, I soon became resentful after planning another holiday 'get together'.
I just started realizing why my Mom was a little resentful that no one ever invited her anywhere.
I just made other plans one Christmas Eve when no one would tell me what they were doing, what time they wanted to get together , etc. Boy, did that throw everyone for a loop! Then, we started rotating houses and taking turns.
However . . . . I sometimes felt like my son was getting the short end of the stick. Like our extended family life had once revolved around my socialite cousin - I noticed that her daughter got so much more attention and affirmation than my son.
When the opportunity came for me to transfer to a bigger city, my son was thrilled to leave. I will say that living 4 hours away has been good for us. I no longer notice all those little 'slights'. I no longer have to stuff down my resentment; I just really don't have any these days. We do our thing; they do their thing; and I think we actually enjoy each other's company more ~ since we are not on top of each other all the time.
My spouse and I moved from Los Angeles - where he grew up.
It was time for his parents to not take him for granted. (He worked for his dad in a barber shop - he also was a trained barber).
Best thing he ever did. You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.
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