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Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cb2008
I take prioritizing family to mean children first. .... Loving your children also means learning to let go. If we let go they will return to us :-). At least that is my hope.
Actually it is MUCH bigger than I have seen here (or maybe than we can understand or communicate).
Prioritizing family sure wasn't an issue in my family, we worked side by side 10 - 20 hrs / day kids to grandparents. (If it wasn't for the stability of my grandparents I would have never lived past age 8.).
But... we are all wired different. My parents hated their kids with a passion even to their death bed (which I attended, of course, having been a caregiver for a disabled parent for 32 yrs).
I'm still working on that 'transitional generation' thing; trying to love and care for my own, but... unfortunately its gonna take a few more generations to get it right. (not there yet).
Enjoy your happy families, I will guess, in the USA you are a minority. (Hope not)
Families worldwide have a MUCH different priority method (and not always kids first, as kids OFTEN know where they are in the pecking order, and it ISN'T always first. (thank goodness). I clearly remember being set in my place (again) when I was about 8. I NEVER stepped over that boundary again.
Kids are to be and NOT , and don't you EVER forget it. Nary a word was spoken.
I take prioritizing family to mean children first. If their needs, safety, and health comes first then I think even imperfect adults cannot go too wrong. Even inlaw problems can be managed if we can look at it as whose happiness is important, mine personally, or the children's welfare. Loving your children also means learning to let go. If we let go they will return to us :-). At least that is my hope.
I don't agree. I think kids' safety and health must come first. And, yes, their basic needs. And until they are 2-3 years old, they have to be the absolute primary focus of their parents. But as they get older, they also need to know that other people have needs, and that they aren't always going to be first. My ex and I had one night a week just for us. We tried to get away for a weekend (not often, but fairly regularly -- didn't always work, of course). Many weekend nights we adults played cards, while the children played outside or in the living room (weather determining). As someone said a long time ago -- and I think it's so true -- the best thing parents can do for their children is to love each other. And it worked just fine for all of us -- until one of my kids became seriously ill.
But what I do agree with: my parents were not happily married and my ex's parents were not happily married. VERY unhappy. And the longer they stayed married (and they stayed married until death -- poor things), the more unhappy they became. All four parents were functioning alcoholics. And that 'poison' of their unhappiness permeated the whole family -- the adult children and their spouses and the grandchildren -- to a greater or lesser extent.
I had friends whose parents were happy, and it made such a difference. (And we were all quite close as our kids grew up -- we spent holidays with THEIR families!) I think, if the 'living foundations' of the family tree are happily married and happy with their individual selves, that happiness also spreads out among their adult children, the spouses and the grandchildren.
But what I do agree with: my parents were not happily married and my ex's parents were not happily married. VERY unhappy. And the longer they stayed married (and they stayed married until death -- poor things), the more unhappy they became. All four parents were functioning alcoholics. And that 'poison' of their unhappiness permeated the whole family -- the adult children and their spouses and the grandchildren -- to a greater or lesser extent.
it is a bit difficult to judge if one's marriage is happy or not. it is a difficult thing to even define happiness other than as a general sense of well being. i don't agree with the often stated opinion that it is better to get a divorce than to bring up children in an unhappy marriage. after all changes for the better do happen in relationships, as has been mentioned here. that children thrive better in a two parent family is quite well supported by evidence. that does not mean they don't in single parent families. what is important is that they are cared for and be allowed to be children when they are children and taught responsibility and human relationships. sometimes that kind of care comes from grandparents, which is fine. but we don't live in extended families, so it is mostly parents.
but unhappiness is a very different thing from alcoholism, which is defined as a disease, and it destroys lives. no doubt about that. not all unhappy people resort to alcohol, but manage to lead quite productive lives.
All four parents were functioning alcoholics. And that 'poison' of their unhappiness permeated the whole family -- the adult children and their spouses and the grandchildren -- to a greater or lesser extent.
That resonates. My parents were functioning alcoholics, but very mean and demeaning, until my father retired. Thereafter they were just full-blown, hope-to-die alcoholics and even meaner - something I didn't think possible until they achieved it.
barring abusive relationships, i don't feel qualified, or even want, to judge other people's marriages or even their level of happiness. life goes up and down and the most people can do is roll with it and count their blessings.
barring abusive relationships, i don't feel qualified, or even want, to judge other people's marriages or even their level of happiness. life goes up and down and the most people can do is roll with it and count their blessings.
barring abusive relationships, i don't feel qualified, or even want, to judge other people's marriages or even their level of happiness. life goes up and down and the most people can do is roll with it and count their blessings.
Well, yeah, and you are happy with what you think things are supposed to be like.
I could never be happy in most of the relationships I see.
But the people in them seem totally fine with them.
To each their own.
barring abusive relationships, i don't feel qualified, or even want, to judge other people's marriages or even their level of happiness. life goes up and down and the most people can do is roll with it and count their blessings.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fran66
Well, good for you.
absolutely
judging and measuring other's happiness can lead to be deep unhappiness. best to count your blessings.
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and NOT 
, and don't you EVER forget it. Nary a word was spoken.
Unless we are deaf, dumb and blind, it's not at all hard to 'judge' whether or not a person is happily married.
