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I agree. A specialist would be helping you set up lists, schedules, calendars, checklist, charts, etc. to help you be successful.
The specialist would also be confronting some of the things that are holding you back from success. As an example, you mentioned that you "can't do laundry every week". Now that is pretty strange statement. Even if you have to drive to a laundromat, why can't you go every week?
Now, if was some legitimate reason, perhaps, your city has only one laundromat and it is only open every other weekend (but, that is pretty unlikely). The specialist would help you set up ways to work around that, such as buy enough clothes that you can go two weeks between doing the laundry. If that means that you need to buy a dozen more pairs of underpants & five or six more bras than do that. But, it probably would be a lot easier & cheaper to just do laundry once or twice a week.
Earlier in the thread someone mentioned going to Goodwill and buying clothes. I personally know several people who are special education teachers who do that. They were so tired of marker stains & food stains & rips/ tears caused by students on their good work clothes that they just buy nice, used clothes. Frankly, no one would even know unless they told them. Of course, you would need a friend to come along to help you make sure that things match and are nice enough & appropriate for the job.
BTW, you don't have to wear make-up (I haven't for decades), but if you do you need to remember to put it on each day.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kmb501
Oh! Well, no then, I haven't found anyone like that, yet. I wonder if I'm as candid with my therapist as I am on this forum, though. It might be possible she doesn't have the insight into how much this issue is affecting my every day life. I know that the therapist at the university, (who was just there for students to vent to, really, not a specialist in ASD but did specialize in domestic violence and had an awesome personality), never made me feel like anything about me was odd, and I found out later she had an autistic son. I guess, again, though, my logic of "if it's a really important issue, they'll mention it to me," is flawed. After working at a detention center, I get that rules sometimes create landmines that people have to be careful to avoid. I, personally, feel like I would need sort of training manual to avoid everything, though. I'm honest, caring, and direct, and I usually do the "logical" thing, unless told otherwise repeatedly.
If you were my friend I would start with the basics and what will be the easiest to "get a handle on" and to start to solve. IMHO, that may be the difficulties that you have with wearing clean, appropriate clothes to work and in public.
Start calling therapists and say "I have high functioning autism and I need help setting up schedules, lists, checklists and charts to be successful." If you focus on just one area to start (such as wearing clean, appropriate clothes) I bet that you could see success in just a few sessions. You and the therapist may have to "think outside the box". Perhaps, some of the sessions may need to Skype sessions, or in person sessions at your apartment, so that the therapist can help you make a plan that works for you. Or you may need to take photographs of your apartment & your current outfits to bring to sessions.
Will it be hard? Probably, yes. Will it get easier? Definitely, yes. Will it be worth the effort? Yes, a thousand times yes!!!
BTW, why can't you do your laundry every week? If there are not washing machines in your apartment building, there are laundromats. In my city, the laundromats open early in the morning and close late at night.
I also don't really understand the naysayers who claim I can't do the things I want to do. I'm willing to accept logical limitations, but what are they, besides the ASD (and, to be honest, I really do not know how much it affects me on a regular basis.
Except that your ASD does effect you, very very, VERY significantly on a regular basis.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kmb501
One of the most frustrating things is that no one will tell me when I'm not conforming properly to social norms. You would think that if it were important, people would at least mention it. Is it that they aren't aware, either?)
Do you really want strangers to come up to you on the street and say that your clothes smell or that you cut in front of them while you were walking or that your hair is a mess or that you were rude to the salesclerk at the last store? Don't you realize that, except for the most egregious things, it would not be the social norm for a stranger to ever mention it to you?
I am assuming that strangers, friends & co-workers notice dozens, if not hundreds, of minor faux paus or minor social errors by you every day. Do you really want to be told about each and every one of them?
And, people are trying to help you. Your co-worker told you that it was noticeable that you were not wearing a bra & warned you not to do that again instead of having you written up or fired by your boss for dressing inappropriately
Quote:
Originally Posted by kmb501
I was taught that you dream it, research it, do it. If I'm totally missing steps or if that seems the most naive thinking you've ever heard someone admit, I would at least like to know what I'm missing.
Yes, that is naïve and child-like magical thinking.
Yes, you can have dreams, but they must be realistic dreams. Or you have to find a way to fit your dream to reality, or to do parts of your dream.
Just because I dream of being an Olympic gymnast, or a world class speed skater, or a dancer in a music video, or a rock star, or Miss America (BTW, I don't) and research it, as an overweight, arthritic, full time caregiver in my mid 60s it just is NOT going to happen no matter how hard I try.
Last edited by germaine2626; 11-09-2016 at 07:40 PM..
I also don't really understand the naysayers who claim I can't do the things I want to do. I'm willing to accept logical limitations, but what are they, besides the ASD (and, to be honest, I really do not know how much it affects me on a regular basis. One of the most frustrating things is that no one will tell me when I'm not conforming properly to social norms. You would think that if it were important, people would at least mention it. Is it that they aren't aware, either?) I was taught that you dream it, research it, do it, or at least try. If I'm totally missing steps or if that seems the most naive thinking you've ever heard someone admit, I would at least like to know what I'm missing.
I don't like to think the world is full of people who will pull you down; I like to think that those people are out flipping burgers somewhere . I think I know, though, that, more often than not, those kinds of people hold positions of high authority, ironically. Why would we choose bullies and backstabbers to run companies?
They aren't naysayers. They are giving you realistic advice based on the reality of working in the real world. And frankly, for many of those dream jobs, it has nothing to do with ASD, but with the reality of trying to actually earn a living doing some of those dream jobs you want. There just aren't very many successful writers. Or models. There are simply so few that they aren't realistic for 99% of the population.
Zookeeper might be realistic if there is a local zoo you can start volunteering with and maybe make contacts to get in the door as an employee. But even there you must get help for your ASD because the risk to you, to others, and to the animals is too great for your mind to go wondering and forget to lock a gate.
OK, I understand a little about ASD, admittedly, not a lot. I've never known anyone who had such hygiene issues. Where are your parents? Where were they when you were a kid and should have been learning these things?
I understand that you didn't realize it was an issue the first time or 2. Now that you've been told, you need to know every time. You didn't just smell that day. You smell every time. You need to make sure you are clean, your hair is combed, and your clothes are clean. Every day.
Except that your ASD does effect you, very very, VERY significantly on a regular basis.
Do you really want strangers to come up to you on the street and say that your clothes smell or that you cut in front of them while you were walking or that your hair is a mess or that you were rude to the salesclerk at the last store? Don't you realize that, except for the most egregious things, it would not be the social norm for a stranger to ever mention it to you?
I am assuming that strangers, friends & co-workers notice dozens, if not hundreds, of minor faux paus or minor social errors by you every day. Do you really want to be told about each and every one of them?
And, people are trying to help you. Your co-worker told you that it was noticeable that you were not wearing a bra & warned you not to do that again instead of having you written up or fired by your boss for dressing inappropriately
Yes, that is naïve and child-like magical thinking.
Yes, you can have dreams, but they must be realistic dreams. Or you have to find a way to fit your dream to reality, or to do parts of your dream.
Just because I dream of being an Olympic gymnast, or a world class speed skater, or a dancer in a music video, or a rock star, or Miss America (BTW, I don't) and research it, as an overweight, arthritic, full time caregiver in my mid 60s it just is NOT going to happen no matter how hard I try.
I understand those analogies, but I don't understand why you persist in saying that some of my dreams are "magical thinking" when they are within reach for "normal" people. Yes, though, I have some challenges, but if I convince myself that they will always get in the way, that will stop me from even trying, and why should I settle for being A,B, C, or D when I really aspire to become E,F, or G? I became an English teacher with the idea of becoming a professional writer in my spare time. I don't think that's too far out of reach, really. Yes, I was off-base when I thought teaching school was like acting school; I really wish someone would have explained that to me before I became the teacher few students want. I imagined they were going to teach us the art of presentation, catching attention, dealing with students with various learning disabilities in the regular classroom with live examples, etc. In the actual program, presentation and all of that stuff wasn't covered to the extent I imagined, yet we were still expected to know and be able to apply it. I got marked down for failing to present properly and found it really frustrating. My professors didn't really know how to help me, either. When I pointed out that I felt I was doing poorly, they usually just encouraged me.
Well, the point is, of course I don't want to get fired. I'm already kind of unhappy that I'm working here only making about 20K per year, because I have a master's in Education, and all I could find was a job working with troubled youth. I'm grateful for it, but if i get fired, that's another nail in my coffin; it will be more difficult for me to find teaching jobs. At this point, I'm wondering if I just shouldn't quit.
20K is a joke find a new job.
I use to want to be a teacher. I was an elementary ed major. I dropped out. Went back and got a degree in liberal arts. I taught preschool, but now work as a director/manager.
Well, the point is, of course I don't want to get fired. I'm already kind of unhappy that I'm working here only making about 20K per year, because I have a master's in Education, and all I could find was a job working with troubled youth. I'm grateful for it, but if i get fired, that's another nail in my coffin; it will be more difficult for me to find teaching jobs. At this point, I'm wondering if I just shouldn't quit.
I use to want to be a teacher. I was an elementary ed major. I dropped out. Went back and got a degree in liberal arts. I taught preschool, but now work as a director/manager.
Except that your ASD does effect you, very very, VERY significantly on a regular basis.
Do you really want strangers to come up to you on the street and say that your clothes smell or that you cut in front of them while you were walking or that your hair is a mess or that you were rude to the salesclerk at the last store? Don't you realize that, except for the most egregious things, it would not be the social norm for a stranger to ever mention it to you?
I am assuming that strangers, friends & co-workers notice dozens, if not hundreds, of minor faux pas or minor social errors by you every day. Do you really want to be told about each and every one of them?
Yeah, I sort of understand that. I wasn't thinking in those terms, though. I was thinking that if it's one or two minor things they notice, if it's a friend or coworker, they could pull me aside and address it. I don't really understand how this is both so minor that it would not be appropriate to mention, and it is also such a major concern that it has gotten me reprimands. That makes no sense from this teacher's perspective. If my students, for instance, are doing things in my classroom that they should not be doing, of course I'm going to mention it to them. Why don't people handle these kinds of situations the same way? My coworker apparently thought me leaving my purse in her classroom was a big enough issue to tease me about it publicly, and I eventually caught on and stopped bringing my purse. She knew how to play on my self-consciousness then. I'm not saying I want to be teased to correct these things; it was very uncomfortable to have that happen at work. I was afraid my boss was going to see how forgetful I was and fire me on the spot. The point is, however, she showed no hesitation in finding a semi-socially-appropriate manner to address the situation and make me eventually deal with it. I usually make an effort to correct the things that are mentioned to me, and I think most people know that.
OK, I understand a little about ASD, admittedly, not a lot. I've never known anyone who had such hygiene issues. Where are your parents? Where were they when you were a kid and should have been learning these things?
I understand that you didn't realize it was an issue the first time or 2. Now that you've been told, you need to know every time. You didn't just smell that day. You smell every time. You need to make sure you are clean, your hair is combed, and your clothes are clean. Every day.
I've been really depressed, and I've never had a schedule unless I made it up myself. I'm woefully inconsistent in most things, though. That's why I feel like I need to take a class to learn new skills; I'm bad at managing my own time and teaching myself. In fact, part of my motivation for becoming an educator was the idea that I would master the time management and organization skills I've been craving. That hasn't happened, yet.
My mom would tell me about my beauty and hygiene issues constantly, when she was alive. I thought she was just nagging me and willingly rebelled against it. My dad was too busy to notice that it was an issue, and, personally, I think he's on the spectrum, too. Plus, when I was in school, it seemed like the other kids would leave me alone if my habits were too weird, so I thought I had figured out a solution to the bullying I was receiving. My parents never knew how bad it was for me at school.
My mom did a lot of stuff for me that I took for granted, including:
*washing my clothes every week
*waking me up in time for school
*fixing my hair (I took over this responsibility as soon as possible, and she often got upset at me for doing it incorrectly)
*picking out outfits for me
*going shopping with me (I never got into it until one day we went shopping for my prom dress. I found a beautiful one with a nice price tag, but I decided against it for some reason. I don't remember if it was because I thought my parents probably didn't have enough money or what the reason was.)
*arranging "play dates" for me
*encouraging me
Mom was my micro-manager! I didn't like her that much, though, because she never took the time to actually get to know me. She treated me a little like a non-person (maybe she thought I wouldn't notice?) I want to say that she didn't even hug me until I was close to taking my own life. I really appreciated that embrace. When I had that breakdown, my parents knew there was something wrong, then, but they didn't know what it was or how to help me. My mom was putting up with her own struggles that she didn't tell me about, and I think I pushed her over the edge by acting out. My mom and dad separated shortly after that, and my life was never the same. One time, my mom went off somewhere and neglected me for weeks.
I've been really depressed, and I've never had a schedule unless I made it up myself. I'm woefully inconsistent in most things, though. That's why I feel like I need to take a class to learn new skills; I'm bad at managing my own time and teaching myself. In fact, part of my motivation for becoming an educator was the idea that I would master the time management and organization skills I've been craving. That hasn't happened, yet.
My mom would tell me about my beauty and hygiene issues constantly, when she was alive. I thought she was just nagging me and willingly rebelled against it. My dad was too busy to notice that it was an issue, and, personally, I think he's on the spectrum, too. Plus, when I was in school, it seemed like the other kids would leave me alone if my habits were too weird, so I thought I had figured out a solution to the bullying I was receiving. My parents never knew how bad it was for me at school.
My mom did a lot of stuff for me that I took for granted, including:
*washing my clothes every week
*waking me up in time for school
*fixing my hair (I took over this responsibility as soon as possible, and she often got upset at me for doing it incorrectly)
*picking out outfits for me
*going shopping with me (I never got into it until one day we went shopping for my prom dress. I found a beautiful one with a nice price tag, but I decided against it for some reason. I don't remember if it was because I thought my parents probably didn't have enough money or what the reason was.)
*arranging "play dates" for me
*encouraging me
Mom was my micro-manager! I didn't like her that much, though, because she never took the time to actually get to know me. She treated me a little like a non-person (maybe she thought I wouldn't notice?) I want to say that she didn't even hug me until I was close to taking my own life. I really appreciated that embrace. When I had that breakdown, my parents knew there was something wrong, then, but they didn't know what it was or how to help me. My mom was putting up with her own struggles that she didn't tell me about, and I think I pushed her over the edge by acting out. My mom and dad separated shortly after that, and my life was never the same. One time, my mom went off somewhere and neglected me for weeks.
then hire someone to do these things for you if you can't/won't do them for yourself...hire a personal assistant/babysitter/pseudo-mom.
If you came to work looking like you just rolled out of bed, we'd talk to you about it. If it continued, and we kept talking, you would eventually get terminated.
You know you need help and no one here or in real life can force you to get help. It's up to you to reach out and find some help.
How do think this kind of living is going to play out when you get a roommate?
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Do you really want strangers to come up to you on the street and say that your clothes smell or that you cut in front of them while you were walking or that your hair is a mess or that you were rude to the salesclerk at the last store? Don't you realize that, except for the most egregious things, it would not be the social norm for a stranger to ever mention it to you?
. I think I know, though, that, more often than not, those kinds of people hold positions of high authority, ironically. Why would we choose bullies and backstabbers to run companies?
I really wish someone would have explained that to me before I became the teacher few students want. I imagined they were going to teach us the art of presentation, catching attention, dealing with students with various learning disabilities in the regular classroom with live examples, etc. In the actual program, presentation and all of that stuff wasn't covered to the extent I imagined, yet we were still expected to know and be able to apply it. I got marked down for failing to present properly and found it really frustrating. My professors didn't really know how to help me, either. When I pointed out that I felt I was doing poorly, they usually just encouraged me.
