This is a rant by someone who feels somewhat "unemployable." Please read it (interviewer, employer)
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OP, have you contacted your local state human resources to see what services they can provide you with that might help you? Have you investigated the possibility of living in a group home where you would have more supervision and structure? Have you applied for social security disability and other federal/state benefits?
Realistically, if you have to have a co-worker tell you to remember to wear a bra, then you probably should give up working outside the home. If you were living with your parents or someone else who could put you on a schedule and supervise you every step of the way, then you could probably make it in the outside work world (in a career more appropriate to someone with ASD with very limited human contact), but you don't have this.
My two cents is that here is what you need to do:
1) Find a therapist who works extensively with people who have ASD. If you can't find one locally, you either need to drive to see one or move to somewhere that has access to one.
2) Start researching jobs that can be done with little to no human interaction. If you can't even remember basic hygiene or conduct appropriate social interactions without assistance, then you really can't work in any career that involves human interaction. Education was a horrible career choice for you.
3) Look for jobs at places like Goodwill that specially provide assistance to people with disabilities. There are also state social services that help with job placement for people with disabilities. Employers hiring folks thru this type of job placement would have lower expectations as far as hygiene and social functioning.
4) Apply for any and all government benefits and social services since realistically, your work options are very limited and any job you do manage to get will be a struggle to keep.
5) Look for a living situation where you would be on a strict schedule and have significant supervision/help with completing basic day-to-day tasks.
It's unfortunate your parents are not there to help you out and didn't leave any provisions in place to help take care of you when they were no longer able to. Realistically, the people with ASD who are the most successful are the ones who have family members available to assist with maintaining a highly structured life and who would be there to advocate on your behalf with social services to get you the assistance you need. You have a hard road ahead of you OP, but it would be made easier if you could accept the reality of your situation about how much your untreated ASD is actually damaging your life and get yourself a more realistic set of dreams that you could actually achieve.
I know firsthand some of the challenges you face. I have a very close relative who is developmentally disabled and as an adult is a working, productive member of society largely because he had a parent who pushed him to his limits every step of the way and who constantly advocated for him to take advantage of every possible available assistance he could receive. The amount of effort the parents put into (and will continue to put in until the day they die) my relative to make him successful has always amazed me as it was far more than what most parents have to do to raise a successful child. The biggest difference I see with you versus my relative is that you are in a more fortunate situation in that you are smart enough to get a college degree. However, you are also in a more unfortunate situation than my relative because you are smart enough to have career dreams and self-aware enough to be disappointed when your disability keeps you from fulfilling them.
Last edited by patches403; 11-10-2016 at 01:25 PM..
It's my fault. I don't have a lot that fits me, and I sometimes wear repeat outfits because it's convenient. Some of this is just basic stuff, I know. I can write a schedule, but following it is honestly a different story. I've made plenty of lists and chore charts for myself; it almost always turns out to be more work than I expected. I know I sound lazy, but I'm pretty busy already. On some days, I don't get home to rest until 10:00 or later, and my day usually starts, whether I like it or not, around 4:00 or 5:00.
Don't get complicated outfits, wear a "uniform." Find a style of pants that work, and buy 5. Find a style of shirt that works and buy 5.
Some business people do this with black pants and white blouses. I do this with chino/khakis in basic colors, and t-shirts of different colors. I have a friend who literally wears jeans and white t-shirts every day. Always clean, but it takes the thought out of choosing an outfit.
You are not those people. The sky is the limit for some. Not for you (or me to be honest).
You have issues with basic things other people do automatically. I don't want to put you down, but you ARE somewhat unemployable. Most workplaces would not deal with a smelly person with uncombed frizzy hair, stains on clothes and periode all over their pants and an unorganized desk and clothes who don't fit. They just won't. Coworkers/customers complain, you'll get a warning, no improvement, and that is the end.
I would make a list of jobs you could accept and who would you accept the way you are because it seems like you will not be able to get your hygiene in order. Let's be realistic here.
I stick with my opinion that work from home would be great for you. You have an education degree, can't you put that to work somehow? THere are so many online colleges everywhere, and you have experience in teaching, your grammar/spelling is excellent, why not focus on a career in doing something online?
If it's that bad, I don't notice it at all. I was totally surprised when I started getting warnings. The kids are the first people who told me that my clothes didn't fit and that they didn't like the way I smell. No one else acted like they noticed, even when I asked their opinions.
I would like to do something online, really, but I don't know the difference between the legitimate ones and scams, and I think I would need additional certification to teach at an online high school or college.
Yes, I agree that OP needs more structure and a rigid schedule than others, not less. If she worked from home she'd never work, she'd lay on the couch and daydream of being a famous actress to escape the fear. At least now she is forced to face the fears somewhat and go out into the world. She just resists the piece of the puzzle that is most central to its structure, which is a shame.
Yeah, it's possible lack of exposure would make my situation worse, not better, but I could maybe do okay with a side job online. It would fit my schedule better than my current ESL job, I think. I do have a lot of fears concerning that, too, though. The limited experience I've had with international students is that they are extremely hard working people who want the best. I'm surprised my clients have tolerated me, actually.
If it's that bad, I don't notice it at all. I was totally surprised when I started getting warnings. The kids are the first people who told me that my clothes didn't fit. No one else acted like they noticed, even when I asked their opinions.
There is no polite way for an adult to tell another adult their clothes don't fit or that their personal hygiene is bad so few adults will be willing to say anything. Trust me when I tell you that the adults around you noticed long ago. Even when asked directly, few adults will admit they think your clothes don't fit or that you smell bad, etc. It's like a woman asking her SO if her pants make her a** look fat. Even if it looks like she has 2 whales stuck in her pants, few men are going to say anything other than "of course those pants don't make you look fat honey".
The kids said something because kids haven't yet developed the same social behavior filters that adults have.
Yeah, it's possible lack of exposure would make my situation worse, not better, but I could maybe do okay with a side job online. It would fit my schedule better than my current ESL job, I think. I do have a lot of fears concerning that, too, though. The limited experience I've had with international students is that they are extremely hard working people who want the best. I'm surprised my clients have tolerated me, actually.
If you cannot keep to a daily shower or weekly laundry schedule, I don't think you're self-motivated or disciplined enough for a job like that. It is no crime, I wouldn't be good at online work for the same reason, I would procrastinate and fall behind. It is okay to accept your limitations and to know yourself enough to know you need structure.
You followed my advice once and went to a shop where the sales lady helped you find proper clothes that fit you..do you remember how good you felt about yourself then, that day you went to school in your nice outfit and got compliments? However instead of going back, and saving to get one outfit a month until you have enough clothes to last until you do laundry, you insisted that from your one experience with her and could do it yourself now, which of course wasn't actually true.
It would not take much more than that, to go back and let that lady help you again, and to go to a hairdresser and get a decent cut and a blow-drying lesson, and to take a shower daily, and you can feel that good about yourself every day. That will build your self-esteem and lead to other successes. but you have to make the effort and to keep at it. Do you think I feel like getting in the shower at 5am on a freezing cold morning? I would much rather push the snooze alarm another 2 or 3 times instead, but I make myself get up and do it anyway. That is what life is, putting one foot in front of the other and doing what you have to do in order to gain both security and pleasures in life. I think you feel others of us like doing our hair and shaving our legs, we don't, but we do it anyway.
OP, have you contacted your local state human resources to see what services they can provide you with that might help you? Have you investigated the possibility of living in a group home where you would have more supervision and structure? Have you applied for social security disability and other federal/state benefits?
Realistically, if you have to have a co-worker tell you to remember to wear a bra, then you probably should give up working outside the home. Sorry, that's not "common sense," at least not to me. At least one coworkers claimed not to wear a bra to work, so perhaps I thought that if it's not a requirement for everyone; it shouldn't be one for me. If you were living with your parents or someone else who could put you on a schedule and supervise you every step of the way, then you could probably make it in the outside work world (in a career more appropriate to someone with ASD with very limited human contact), but you don't have this. I did once; it was miserable. My mom was my micro-manager once upon a time. I don't know if she ever expected me to learn to live independently, as she was surprised when she found out I had moved out of the house, stopped couch surfing, and found an apartment shortly after her and dad split up.
My two cents is that here is what you need to do:
1) Find a therapist who works extensively with people who have ASD. If you can't find one locally, you either need to drive to see one or move to somewhere that has access to one.
2) Start researching jobs that can be done with little to no human interaction. If you can't even remember basic hygiene or conduct appropriate social interactions without assistance, then you really can't work in any career that involves human interaction. I can do those things, but I have a tendency to make errors others may not make due to misinterpreting the unwritten rules. Because of this, I guess, people expect me to follow the stated rules to the letter (so, basically, there's a set of rules for me and a set of rules for everyone else? Now, I'm sorry, but that's confusing). Education was a horrible career choice for you. I had no idea I was genuinely disabled before I got tested in college and started failing at student teaching. By then, I had invested plenty of time and money.
3) Look for jobs at places like Goodwill that specially provide assistance to people with disabilities. There are also state social services that help with job placement for people with disabilities. Employers hiring folks thru this type of job placement would have lower expectations as far as hygiene and social functioning.
4) Apply for any and all government benefits and social services since realistically, your work options are very limited and any job you do manage to get will be a struggle to keep.
5) Look for a living situation where you would be on a strict schedule and have significant supervision/help with completing basic day-to-day tasks.I thought about trying to get a disability discharge for the student loans, but only part of motivation for taking them out was fear; the rest was just foolishness. I don't know why I literally thought no one would be willing to give me sound advice and would instead berate me for being such a klutz. I guess because the few people I did get enough courage to tell did just that.
It's unfortunate your parents are not there to help you out and didn't leave any provisions in place to help take care of you when they were no longer able to. Yeah, I have worried about that, but I've been pretty much on my own for almost ten years now. I mean, I call my dad from time-to-time to let him know what's going on in my life, but, other than that and help from friends, I don't really rely on anyone. Realistically, the people with ASD who are the most successful are the ones who have family members available to assist with maintaining a highly structured life and who would be there to advocate on your behalf with social services to get you the assistance you need. You have a hard road ahead of you OP, but it would be made easier if you could accept the reality of your situation about how much your untreated ASD is actually damaging your life and get yourself a more realistic set of dreams that you could actually achieve. It's not just ASD; there's depression, OCD, social anxiety, and maybe even a little ADHD in the mix. The OCD and social anxiety were my most damaging, but I've almost gotten over the social anxiety by just keeping this job. How did the social anxiety affect me? Well, when I found myself running out of money and had no place to go, instead of asking for assistance or being honest about what was going on, I went to school and lived off of what the government provided for students until I could find what I considered a "socially appropriate" solution. Yeah, I was scared to death of embarrassing myself until I started working as a substitute teacher. I literally would have allowed myself to live on the street before trying to ask another person for help. That's not pride; that's extreme fear and a mental illness.
I know firsthand some of the challenges you face. I have a very close relative who is developmentally disabled and as an adult is a working, productive member of society largely because he had a parent who pushed him to his limits every step of the way and who constantly advocated for him to take advantage of every possible available assistance he could receive. The amount of effort the parents put into (and will continue to put in until the day they die) my relative to make him successful has always amazed me as it was far more than what most parents have to do to raise a successful child. The biggest difference I see with you versus my relative is that you are in a more fortunate situation in that you are smart enough to get a college degree. However, you are also in a more unfortunate situation than my relative because you are smart enough to have career dreams and self-aware enough to be disappointed when your disability keeps you from fulfilling them.
I know, and it doesn't help that most people don't see my disability, only my academic acheivements, so they constantly suggest things that have been categorized as "magical thinking" by some of the people on this forum.
The kids said something because kids haven't yet developed the same social behavior filters that adults have.
You're right but filters are so unnecessary (unless you're Donald Trump obv). I mean you can be honest without being rude.
If I said the wrong thing in an interview, why don't you tell me? I can clarify the statement. How is it helping me any if I don't know what I did wrong? If I ask someone for feedback they're not sure because they weren't there and sometimes even if they were there they won't know...only the interviewer would know why they didn't pick me.
If everyone was honest then the world would be a better place.
Last edited by Nickchick; 11-10-2016 at 05:39 PM..
In my experience, most people ARE honest. But we have a corporate mentality that assumes that everyone is as crooked as they are (call it the lawyer code I guess), which necessitates that they do all these credit checks, background checks, etc. That creates a huge industry that has nothing to do w/ producing goods or services, fosters suspicion amongst ourselves, and diverts a lot of money and time away from productivity. The worst part is the mindset that we are all liars and thieves. Terrible frame of mind where you're considered guilty and have to prove your innocence and you're not even on trial, merely applying for a job.
If someone is obviously not being hired due to their appearance or smell, then you have to throw tact out the window, be compassionate, and tell them just that in the best way possible. Then they can either make the necessary adjustments (if possible) or look for work that doesn't require them to be in contact w/ people. Outdoors for instance, farm work, gardening, factory work around mostly machines, whatever it takes. I have an employment issue...a very, very low threshold for BS and a refusal to tow the line. I speak my mind, period. I'm retired now, but even as I was and am, I found people I could work with. It wasn't easy, and was nearly impossible in corporate work, but there's a place for all of us somewhere. As someone once said to me, there's a nut for every squirrel.
Last edited by smarino; 11-10-2016 at 06:05 PM..
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