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View Poll Results: IVF or Adoption?
IVF 19 46.34%
Adoption 22 53.66%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 41. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 08-03-2011, 09:19 AM
 
Location: Eastern time zone
4,469 posts, read 6,337,515 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rkb0305 View Post

Quote:

Originally Posted by Penguin_ie
Nope, still get them:
- Are they identical? (I have a boy and a girl...)
- Is that because you had sex twice that night (none of your beeswax!)
- Why did you make twins??? (I tend to answer that we waited so long for children, God decided to give us two at the same time)
- Horrible stories of NICU babies when I was pregnant (I carried my twins to 39 weeks)
- Which one is the nice one?
- Did you consider selective reduction (no!)
- Are they normal? (err... yes? They mean were they conceived naturally, to which- no. Happy to admit they are IUI babies)
and so on...

please tell me you're kidding! people are idiots.
I never got "are they normal?" I'd assume they meant "are they deformed/damaged/broken in some way?" since I used to get the "didja use drugs?" question in that form.
My favorite is still "which one is the dumb one?" which she went on to explain that she was asking because there was always one which "wasn't right". She was old and from the hills, and this was a couple of decades ago, so maybe that had been her experience. I don't know. It was startling.
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Old 08-03-2011, 09:59 AM
 
1,851 posts, read 2,988,190 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Three Wolves In Snow View Post
I voted adoption. I am perhaps a bit biased because I was adopted. How I see it is that there are so many kids out there who really need a warm, loving environment.

I'm not sure what you mean by "stigma". Are people still really thinking like they did about adoption back in the 60s and 70s? That would be very sad if true.
There is a stigma. I was at a dinner party with so called "well-educated" women and one stated that she and her husband were considering adoption, but that her husband said "I have problems with 'my own' kids, if we adopt who knows what we'll get." All at the table laughed...except me.

When my husband and I mentioned the possibility of adopting to my mother-in-law, she commented "make sure you don't get one of those drug babies..." Ironically, my mother-in-law has no idea who her biological parents are.

Additionally, again, on my husband's side of the family, an aunt of his declared that adopted babies are somehow "not real babies." Ahhh, okay. Is ignorance really bliss?


Quote:
Originally Posted by CTGirlNoMore View Post


I hate when people tell me I'm rude or selfish for having wanted "my own" as in biologicial. I find many of these people have biological children and since they didn't have to deal with fertility issues they don't understand how people like myself feel, wanting to try everything possible first to have "my own" child.
Funny you say this. I think that many parents of biological children just understand that there is so much more to parenting than pregnancy and that couples often get caught up on becoming "pregnant" as opposed to becoming "parents." It is somewhat selfish and rude - in that you are equating pregnancy with parenting and paternity with DNA/biology. True, parentage can be determined by biology, but parenting cannot. I hope this makes some sense. You really understand this as a biological parent, I think so at least.

My friend, mother of two biological children, told me point blank when I posed this question to her (IVF or adoption) - "childbirth is no picnic."
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Old 08-03-2011, 10:10 AM
 
2,319 posts, read 4,096,672 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaded View Post
There is a stigma. I was at a dinner party with so called "well-educated" women and one stated that she and her husband were considering adoption, but that her husband said "I have problems with 'my own' kids, if we adopt who knows what we'll get." All at the table laughed...except me.

When my husband and I mentioned the possibility of adopting to my mother-in-law, she commented "make sure you don't get one of those drug babies..." Ironically, my mother-in-law has no idea who her biological parents are.

Additionally, again, on my husband's side of the family, an aunt of his declared that adopted babies are somehow "not real babies." Ahhh, okay. Is ignorance really bliss?

--------------------------


Funny you say this. I think that many parents of biological children just understand that there is so much more to parenting than pregnancy and that couples often get caught up on becoming "pregnant" as opposed to becoming "parents." It is somewhat selfish and rude - in that you are equating pregnancy with parenting and paternity with DNA/biology. True, parentage can be determined by biology, but parenting cannot. I hope this makes some sense. You really understand this as a biological parent, I think so at least.

My friend, mother of two biological children, told me point blank when I posed this question to her (IVF or adoption) - "childbirth is no picnic."
I love your post!

My husband and I discussed adoption with my parents, and my mom's all on board. She gave birth to my sister and I 16 years apart, and both births were nightmares - 40+ hours in labor with no pain killers. What a trooper my momma is!

My dad, on the other hand, said, "I wouldn't do that. You don't know what you're going to get." Well, true, but you don't know what you're going to get biologically either. Who knows what recessive genes might combine to create issues?

I am so, so happy you are considering adoption! I think one way to educate people is to come forward with conviction and pride. My best friend growing up was adopted by the most amazing people. He's a Ph.D. now.

Good luck to you, friend. I wish you and your husband a speedy process to the child of your dreams.
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Old 08-03-2011, 10:23 AM
 
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Post What we decided and why

I think that there are wonderful comments posted. I truly appreciate them all. As promised, below is what my husband and I decided, and our story.

After losing an ovary to stage 4 endometriosis (invasive surgery), I had to undergo treatment which included lupron depot shots. The shots caused me to go into what my doctor decribed as a para menapausal state in which I had severe mood swings, hot flashes, gained about 30 lbs, and had to abstain from trying to have a child for six months.

Once the time period lapsed, we decided to "try" to conceive. Nothing. After one year, we started fertility treatments. At my initial appointment, the fertility specialist seemed to push "IVF" exclusively. Almost like a used car salesperson. Honestly. I still did all of the testing...even though I felt awkward and pressured into ultimately choosing IVF. It was determined that I had a blocked fallopian tube (was probably blocked years earlier by the stage 4 endo). All of my other tests were fine; and actually, my follicle count is very high for my age (38 y.o.). I'd be a very good candidate for IVF.

Then why didn't I "jump" at the chance of doing IVF?? Who knows. I was presented with an opportunity to adopt a young girl; it fell through, but the feeling I experienced with that opportunity surpassed the feeling of a pregnancy via IVF. I don't know why. I cannot explain it.

So, we are choosing adoption as our personal choice. Both options have heartache and are time consuming, but with adoption, there is a child at the end of the process. We are not picky with ethnicity, we are a minority couple, and we are open to children up to age 3. This may or may not make our waiting time for adoption shorter. All I know is, I felt so much more relief with this decision (adoption), then with the stress of fertility testing, which completely turned me off to the eventual trials of IVF.

It was not an easy decision at all and came unexpectedly. I haven't regretted it yet.

Thank you all for sharing and "listening."
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Old 08-03-2011, 01:52 PM
 
Location: Out West
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaded View Post
...we are choosing adoption as our personal choice. Both options have heartache and are time consuming, but with adoption, there is a child at the end of the process. We are not picky with ethnicity, we are a minority couple, and we are open to children up to age 3...

It was not an easy decision at all and came unexpectedly. I haven't regretted it yet.

Thank you all for sharing and "listening."
As stated earlier, I'm biased because I was adopted so keep that in mind, everyone.

I applaud your decision. I was adopted at 4 1/2 years old. If you end up adopting a child around 3 or so, keep in mind, despite what some people think, those children can indeed have memories of their earlier child hood. Sometimes those memories may not be good ones.

When you do adopt your child, love them like "your own" (to mean biological), but also understand that there will be differences and please embrace those, don't try to change them.

I shall reveal a bit here...I knew I was adopted. I was definitely old enough at 4 years old to know. It didn't bother me too much until I reached about 7-8 years old. Somehow, (older brother), word got out at school and I ended up being treated very differently by the kids...like there was something wrong with me.

I was embarrassed that I was adopted. As a kid, I did go through a period of time thinking that my "real parents" didn't want me, there WAS something wrong with me, that's why I was thrown away.

I also went through a period of time of extreme curiosity and would make up who my "real" family was. I came up with names, I came up with towns I lived in, anything to make me feel better about the process.

One thing my parents did trying to help me cope, (and I know they were trying to help), was buy me stories about kids who were adopted or were not living with their biological parents. I KNOW they were trying to help, (didn't realize that at the time). But, I distinctly remember, I got "Pete's Dragon", and was embarrassed, ashamed and it actually depressed me. TO ME it was a message from them to me that I was different, still. I was not "part" of their family.

Adoption can be a wonderful thing and it can be tricky. Parenting is tricky enough as it is...this will add to that if your child is a little older.

The best thing, best advice I can give you, no matter what you are doing to help them cope, (if they are older..and by older I mean 2, 3 or 4), is always treat them like "your own", love them for who they are and who they are with you and please, always, always, always make sure that they know that they can open up and tell you anything and everything about how they are feeling.

When strangers say things like, "You look just like your mother and father!!", just let them say it and think it. Pointing out to them that your child is adopted, while your child is there, believe it or not, no matter how proudly you say that, can be negative for the child.

And for the love of God, never, ever ask them, (let's say your last name is Smith), "So, how does it feel to be a Smith, now?"

I'm not saying ignore that they are adopted, just don't bring it up to them, all the time. If they have any issues that they need to work out, take them to counseling to work them out but treat them like "your own" (again, I mean like biological), all other times.

Children old enough to know they are adopted also struggle. They can have a hard time understanding things. They may wonder why they were put up for adoption. Some will need extra love because they feel very unloved because of it.

If you get a child that is younger, you will also need to decide when you are going to tell them they were adopted. Do you wait until they are 18? Do you tell them earlier? Which is the right answer? When you do, be prepared to help them cope.

The more positive and loving you are, the better and stronger that relationship will be, regardless.

You will do great and I wish you the best of luck.
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Old 08-04-2011, 09:48 AM
 
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^^Thanks so much for the advice Three Wolves. This is wonderful advice and I appreciate your honesty. I will definitely keep your points top of mind. I know I won't be able to stop others from hurting our child, but your comments are extremely helpful in helping me understand how we can prevent hurting our child. Again, thanks so much!

Question? Did you ever locate you biological parents? You can PM me if you don't want to disclose it here. Also, how is your relationship now with your family, especially your older brother?
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Old 08-04-2011, 12:42 PM
 
Location: Out West
22,768 posts, read 16,850,253 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaded View Post
^^Thanks so much for the advice Three Wolves. This is wonderful advice and I appreciate your honesty. I will definitely keep your points top of mind. I know I won't be able to stop others from hurting our child, but your comments are extremely helpful in helping me understand how we can prevent hurting our child. Again, thanks so much!

Question? Did you ever locate you biological parents? You can PM me if you don't want to disclose it here. Also, how is your relationship now with your family, especially your older brother?

Jaded, I sent you a PM.
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Old 08-04-2011, 12:58 PM
 
Location: Land of Free Johnson-Weld-2016
6,473 posts, read 13,962,512 times
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There are a lot of health risks associated with pregnancy. Not just the short term risks of high blood pressure etc, but later risks such as uterine prolapse etc. At my age I would not choose to have a child naturally. I would hate to have child with a disability or something simply because I wanted to give birth.

I also have an idea of the way I would like my child to look (adorable, like me!) and things like intelligence and behavior are important...With the genes in my family...having a kid naturally...LOL I'd be taking my chances.

I'm definitely planning to adopt an older child.
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Old 08-06-2011, 08:52 AM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,485 posts, read 43,812,291 times
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Please please DO TELL your adopted child from the get-go that they are adopted. To not tell or wait till they are "old enough to understand" implies there is something shameful or wrong with adoption. There is the stigma.

We have 1 bio baby- now 30 and 3 adopted kids. We have videos of their arrival and always play them on their adoption anniversary. We don't do parties or presents but it is a fun event for us all and re enforces how much they were wanted.

We are Caucasian couple and first daughter is Korean. I got "Are you going to tell her she is adopted?" Can you believe anybody could be so stupid? Well I thought that was just because it was from a stupid lady 28 years ago but we have neighbors who are Caucasian with adopted Chinese child who is 6 and they still have not discussed adoption. Really big mistake I think. When this kid starts school in a few weeks she is gonna figure it out.

I've done it both way and I know either choice is difficult. But with adoption at least you know you are going to live thru the pregnancy and birth. Well you may not live thru the difficult teen years but at least everybody worries about that.
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Old 08-06-2011, 08:37 PM
 
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^^LOL! Thanks. Yes, I've always worried about the "timing" of telling our child(ren) about their adoption. How old were yours when you told them?
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