[Bull Winkus]

The (Almost) Perfect Relationship...


A elderly gentleman is sitting on a park bench, shaking and sobbing.

As a young man walks by, he sees the old man and becomes concerned. "What seems to be the problem?"

Through his tears the old man answers, "Well, I'm 74 years old and my memory's fading."

The young man responds with, "Aw, that's not that bad. Look on the bright side. You're still alive! Live a little while you can."

"I am!" He says, "I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman."

"Well, what's wrong with that? Has she rejected you?" asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. You don't understand. You see, every morning before she goes to work we make love. At lunch time she comes home and we make love again. Then she makes my favorite lunchtime meal. In the afternoon when she gets off work, she rushes home and makes love to me again. It's the best an old man could ever want!" He blurted out. "And, and then she fixes me a wonderful dinner. After eating a terrific meal, she clears the dishes and brings me a brandy. Then all night long, we hold each other and make love when we can."

The old man breaks down, sobbing, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"

The old man looks up at him through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

[Suncoast Guy]

> Why Parents Drink
>
> A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished
> to see that his
> Bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
> Then he saw an
> envelope propped up prominently on the pillow that
> was addressed to
> Dad. With the worst premonition he opened the
> envelope with
> trembling hands and read
> the letter.
>
> Dear Dad:
>
> It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing
> you. I had to
> Elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to
> avoid a scene with
> Mom and you.
>
> I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she
> is so nice. But
> I knew you would not approve of her because of all
> her piercing,
> tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that
> she is much older
> than I am. But it's not only the passion. Dad she's
> pregnant. Stacy
> said that We will be very happy. She owns a trailer
> in the woods and
> has a stack Of firewood for the whole winter. We
> share a dream of
> having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes
> to the fact that
> marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be
> growing it for
> ourselves and trading it with the other people that
> live nearby for
> cocaine. In the meantime we will pray that science
> will
> find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She
> deserves it.
> Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care
> of myself.
> Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so
> that you can get to
> know your grandchildren.
>
>
>
> Love,
> your son John
>
>
>
> PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at
> Tommy's house. I
> just wanted to remind you that there are worse
> things in life than a
> report card. That's in my center desk drawer.
>
> I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

[PhillytoCincy]

Ok, it might not be known in Arkansas how big the rivalry is between Ohio State and Michigan, but it is said to be the biggest in college football, and in all of sports period. So here was a good joke that I like, and I hope you will get a laugh out of it too:


One foggy night, a Buckeye fan was heading north from Columbus and a Michigan fan was driving south from Ann Arbor. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.
The Michigan fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!"
Likewise, the Buckeye fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived.
The Wolverine fan walks over to the Buckeye fan and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals."
The Buckeye fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck."
The Buckeye fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the Wolverine, "I think this is another sign--we should toast to our newfound friendship." The Wolverine fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Wolverine fan hands it back to the Buckeye fan and says, "Your turn!"
The Buckeye fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up."

[sandgirl]

A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.
His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”
The frog is thrilled and says, “This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?”
“No” says the psychic, “in a Biology class.”

[sandgirl]

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says “You can’t bring that dog in here!” The guy, without missing a beat, says “This is my guide dog.” “Oh man,” the bartender says, “I’m sorry, here, the first one’s on me.” The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says “You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell him it’s a guide dog.” The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says “Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here!”
The second man replies “This is my guide dog.” The bartender says, “No, I don’t think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as guide dogs.” The man pauses for a half-second and replies “What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?”

[sandgirl]

They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, “Where is my father?”
The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with “Your father is fishing in Michigan.”
The skeptical man said triumphantly, “You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years.”
“No”, replied the super computer immediately. “Your mother’s husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout.”

[sandgirl]

Satan greets him: “Welcome Mr. Gates, we’ve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You’ve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you’ve got me in a good mood, I’ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you’ll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill’s delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says “I’ll take this option.”
“Fine,” says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. “That was Bill Gates!” cried Lucifer. “Why did you give him the best place of all!”
“That’s what everyone thinks” snickered Satan.
“The bottle has a hole in it!”
“What about the PC?”
“It’s got Windows 95!” laughed Satan.
“And it’s missing three keys,”
“Which three?”
“Control, Alt and Delete.”

[Bull Winkus]

The Royal Wedding Night...

By the time the evening of the Royal wedding was drawing to a conclusion, Sophie was becoming somewhat uncomfortable in her regal attire. Unfortunately the shoes she had worn that day were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over, Sophie's feet were in agony.

When Sophie and Edward withdrew to their bridal suite, the only thing she could think of was getting her ill-fitting shoes off. Since Edward was anxious to begin, she enlisted his aid in removing them.

Meanwhile, by tradition, the rest of the Royal Family had crowded round the closed door to the bedroom to listen to the royals coupling. At first, they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream followed a female voice's sharp admonition.

Soon they heard Edward say quite loudly, "God, that was tight!"

"There," whispered the Queen. "I told you Sophie was a virgin."

Then, much to their mutual astonishment, over the sounds of Sophie's soft moans they heard Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one."

This was followed by even more moaning, grunting and straining and at last Edward exclaimed, "My God! That was even tighter!"

"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor!"

[Bull Winkus]

Slap Happy...


An Irishman, a Frenchman and a beautiful voluptuous Italian girl are sitting together in a train traveling through Switzerland when the train enters a tunnel and the car goes completely dark.

There's a kissing noise, and then the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train comes out of the tunnel, the Italian girl and the Irishman are sitting as if nothing had happened, and the Frenchman is holding his slapped face.

The Frenchman is thinking,"That Irishman must have kissed the Italian girl and she swung at him and missed, slapping me instead."

The Italian girl is thinking, "That Frenchman must have tried to kiss me, accidentally kissed the Irishman, and got slapped for it."

And the Irishman is thinking, "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that stupid Frenchman again."

[Bull Winkus]

Arkansas Has the Best Humor...


Q: What's the best thing to come out of Arkansas?
A: I-40

-=-=-=-=-=-

After an Arkansas state trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40, he walks up to the driver's window and asks, "Got'ny I.D?"

"About what?"

-=-=-=-=-=-

A senior at Arkansas was overhead saying "when the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Arkansas."

When asked why, he stated that everything happens here 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world.

-=-=-=-=-=-

Arkansas man had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, " I have a flat tarr."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it either."