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I've been taking care of my Mom for over 3 1/2 years and I still don't know the answer to this question. I think it's a situation that you can't make predictions about because there are endless variation in the amount and type of care the parent might need (as some have pointed out), the parent's situation is constantly changing (generally for the worse), your own situation is subject to change, and the relationship may change in ways you really can't anticipate. I thought I would take care of my mother out of caring and concern, and I assumed I would do as much as my caring and concern motivated me to do. I was not prepared for demands and needs that exceeded my willingness to care and placed a real burden on me. I did not anticipate the lack of options, of other choices, when that happened. I had no idea my relationship with my mother would change so drastically, as she gradually came to see me not as a loving companion but as a resource to meet her needs and allow her to continue living the "independent" life she wanted.
To give a concrete example: I spent a small fortune to have my house in the mountains made handicapped-accessible - put a bathroom with shower on the lower level, put in a ramp and wide doorway and extended the driveway around to it, etc. I believed my mother would live there with me, but she hated it. Too cold, too hilly, etc. She insisted on staying in Florida and urged me to move down there with her, which I ultimately did. Even then, I never expected to spend a single summer in Florida (I have a huge intolerance to hot steamy weather). I got my mother to agree to move near my two sisters who also live in Florida, although I had to put the down payment on a new house for her to make that happen. I thought I could leave them to take care of her over the summers. I could not have been more wrong. By the time we moved here my mother was even more disabled and frail, and needs someone to be around pretty much 24/7. Neither sister was/is willing or able to do that. I am currently finishing out my fourth consecutive summer in Florida without a break. I am not willing to do this and I never intended to do it, but I continue to do it for lack of a better option. My mother really needs assisted living, but there's just not enough money to make that happen.
So, I personally don't think this is a situation where you can spell out your intentions in advance. Or if you do, understand that they're only your intentions - they may have little effect on how the situation ultimately plays out.
I'm not obligated to take care of my mother but I'd be honored to. I would never want her to feel as if though she was an unwanted burden or an inconvenience, she doesn't deserve that.
My dad and stepmom moved across the country from California to Florida in the early 90s, so she could live closer to her father when he was still alive. How I would take care of either one of them from so far away is a mystery! I suppose I could relocate to another office with my company to be closer to them (yuck; I have no desire to live in Florida!). The problem now is that my father is almost completely deaf, and he doesn't like to wear his hearing aid. My stepmom is an angel, because he's not an easy man to live with (and never has been even when he wasn't old and frail!). They don't have a lot of money, so if assisted living is needed I have no idea how that would happen.
Although my father can be very cold and critical, and apparently has no filter from his brain to his mouth, I could never just sit back and watch him get thrown out on the street to suffer. I wouldn't let that happen to a pet, let alone my dad! He helped me a lot financially over the years, so even though he's not good with emotions, he did what he could. Trying to help him would be the only humane thing to do, although I don't know how successful I'd be. I'm only five feet tall and not very strong, so I wouldn't be the one to catch him if he fell, or pick him up afterwards.
I also have no intention of abandoning my stepmom to whatever happens if she outlives my dad. I know she has stayed with him because she loves him, not to ease my mind, but she is such a wonderful woman that I'd help her in whatever way possible, too. She's ten years younger than he is, but we have a lot of longevity on my dad's side (my uncle just turned 91 this year!).
Morally I feel obligated to help. Logistically I'm not sure how I could. Of course, I'd rather just live in denial that this will ever become an issue, even though he's turning 82 in December!
We cared for my momma until she died this morning at 86 yrs of age....we considered it a privilege, NEVER an obligation.
My condolences on your mom's passing. Once you loose your mom you're never quite the same regardless of the relationship.
She was so lucky to be able to live at home while you work full time as a nurse for 30+ years. And I see you also fly out to provide respite care for your grandchild, too.
We all hope for the same end of life situation. And having relatives so capable and interested in our lives.
I know in Asian culture its a must as a honor to the family to take care of the elderly, as you see no Asian people homeless,
, but in American culture seems like children put their parents to Nursing home, and they themself will end up in nursing homes and the cycle continues.
I am not asian nor american but yes i do feel obligated because they raised me.
I do not feel obligated to take care of my parents. My mother always told me to make sure I could take care of myself first and not worry about her.
She is in a home and is much better off there. Its just down the street from us. If we would have her at home, she would be dead already. She would guilt us into letting her eat and do whatever she wants. There they do such a great job of looking after her and provide her with the proper nutrition, medication, instant medical attention, entertainment, etc.
She was in hospice 3 years ago! This was before she went into the care faculty. She danced at her 90th birthday party last month and attended an all day wedding of her granddaughter this weekend. I came home before she went back to the home.
I will help to the extent that I am able, maybe moving them in with me, returning more often, arranging things from a distance if need be, but I can't quit my job to be a full-time caregiver or otherwise commit financial suicide.
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I suppose I could relocate to another office with my company to be closer to them (yuck; I have no desire to live in Florida!). The problem now is that my father is almost completely deaf, and he doesn't like to wear his hearing aid. My stepmom is an angel, because he's not an easy man to live with (and never has been even when he wasn't old and frail!). They don't have a lot of money, so if assisted living is needed I have no idea how that would happen. 
