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Well, my father and his brother are boomers, and I am GenX I guess (in my mid-40's). My grandma lives with me, at age 93 and in need of general, though not intensive, daily care (meal preparation, bathing, etc.). With me, my husband, and our four children.
Neither of them had the emotional wherewithal or desire to care for her, which left us to offer our home as she sobbed to me on the phone that she was terrified of going to a "home." They are both physically and financially capable of caring for her. We are not paid for this by my father or his brother--though my grandma feels the need to give me a check every month for a very small amount. (I spend it on her--it isn't about the money but it is about some level of accountability, which for her sons there is apparently none.) As far as she is concerned they both walk on water in spite of it all.
So I'm not really sure character is necessarily a generational thing.
I really doesn't matter all that much the generation of the people. You will always have those who believe in doing what they believe is the right thing to do, and you will always have those who could pretty much care less and do nothing or the least. When I was going through that with my parents, I had three other siblings here I the same city. My oldest sister helped me out the most with them, my oldest brother did nothing, and my youngest sister did very little and always had an excuse when you asked her to do something.
What are these acronyms? Does FL stand for Florida in this context? And I have no idea what ALFS means. Please consider spelling out acronyms the average person wouldn't know the meaning of.
You don't "see" Asians homeless where you live because there are very FEW living where you live. PLUS they normally have a different work and life achievement ethic.
I simply asked a question in my post you are so upset about...but am willing to guess, (based on your angry response) your "age" (if we were taking the question I posed in "it would be interesting" per generation to compare positions) would support my hypothesis.....
If you read the other threads on this forums you wouldn't have to make that accusation. You would actually have INFORMATION instead of making it up or asking "questions". Because it's not true or even relevant.
Are you claiming the OLDER you get the MORE CAPABLE you ARE to be a caregiver? Uh, no.
It wasn't a question, it was a snarky accusation, "IMO".
Furthermore, your posting history says you are a full time WORKER. A NURSE. And you travel out of state to take care of your kid's kid.
So you really were not doing much hands on CAREGIVING for your mother anywhere NEAR the extent of other people here. PLUS do you have a husband?
What would REALLY be a party would have been having BOTH YOUR PARENTS and your HUSBAND's PARENTS have to have you doing their "caregiving" in your home. How would THAT work? Like a little boarding house. Now what if you have 4 kids?
Now what if your HUSBAND had a stroke and also needed care. That makes 5 OLD people needing help not including your kids.
Come on now. It's NEVER that simple.
Half the time the parents won't even ACCEPT "help". There are PLENTY of those types of threads. OR threads where the noncompliant stubborn "parents" insist on doing things THEIR way. Like the guy who wanted the son to QUIT WORK to be his in home HHA and refused to move near the son. (it was the MOTHER who had a terminal brain tumor NOT the father)
I don't even think FINANCIAL issues deserve to be in the CAREGIVING forum, TBH. Providing a place to live for a broke parent is not caregiving. But it falls here by default because they are not in good health and broke and cannot afford an ALF, home health care, etc. And that's why is commonly a topic here.
I GUARANTEE YOU at least 50% of these threads would disappear if all the people were wealthy and could afford help for the HELP.
The OP is saying "help" because the OP is a young person with absolutely no perspective on the subject. Most of his other posts are about dating, boobs, sexting, finding jobs, chosing R rated friends over G rated friends and casual sex LOL.
Last edited by runswithscissors; 09-07-2014 at 08:02 AM..
Can Asians continue this trend of care for their parents though? For example with China, ever since the "one child rule" took its effect, you now have a situation where it's "1-2-4".... 1 working adult taking care of 2 parents and 4 grand parents. This is sort of akin with the baby boomer generation and Social Security... back when they were working, there were 5 people paying into SS for every one person taking out of it. With the baby boomer generation in retirement around a decade ago, it's now 2 ppl paying in for every 1 person on SS.
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No, some can't even care for their children. I guess it's EASIER to take care of PARENTS though because they can perhaps bring in some menial money.
Because you need a special license in FL ALFS and in an ALF you are not even permitted to have a resident with a grade 3 or more. WITH actual NURSES there.
Now imagine that patient is incontinent and bed ridden on TOP of it and mentally ill on TOP of THAT. And you're broke. And so are they.
I don't think people really understand the reality of caring for a very ill, very elderly person. It's one thing to live with a healthy parent (did that) who needed help only with shopping, driving, cooking, and some companionship.
I was shocked at how quickly my mother developed a pressure sore when she had cancer. She was only bedridden for about the last week (unconscious) and BOOM - there it was. It wasn't festering but it quickly could have and we had hospice nurses!
Both my parents are now gone. Yes, I did feel some obligation to 'help' them. But with my Mom, we had hospice nurses; her two sisters; my Dad and other extended family all 'helping'. It's not something I could have managed alone.
My Dad really needed little help only what I mentioned above. He died quickly (within 3 days).
I still miss him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by wannagonorth
I've been taking care of my Mom for over 3 1/2 years and I still don't know the answer to this question. I think it's a situation that you can't make predictions about because there are endless variation in the amount and type of care the parent might need (as some have pointed out), the parent's situation is constantly changing (generally for the worse), your own situation is subject to change, and the relationship may change in ways you really can't anticipate. I thought I would take care of my mother out of caring and concern, and I assumed I would do as much as my caring and concern motivated me to do. I was not prepared for demands and needs that exceeded my willingness to care and placed a real burden on me. I did not anticipate the lack of options, of other choices, when that happened. I had no idea my relationship with my mother would change so drastically, as she gradually came to see me not as a loving companion but as a resource to meet her needs and allow her to continue living the "independent" life she wanted.
To give a concrete example: I spent a small fortune to have my house in the mountains made handicapped-accessible - put a bathroom with shower on the lower level, put in a ramp and wide doorway and extended the driveway around to it, etc. I believed my mother would live there with me, but she hated it. Too cold, too hilly, etc. She insisted on staying in Florida and urged me to move down there with her, which I ultimately did. Even then, I never expected to spend a single summer in Florida (I have a huge intolerance to hot steamy weather). I got my mother to agree to move near my two sisters who also live in Florida, although I had to put the down payment on a new house for her to make that happen. I thought I could leave them to take care of her over the summers. I could not have been more wrong. By the time we moved here my mother was even more disabled and frail, and needs someone to be around pretty much 24/7. Neither sister was/is willing or able to do that. I am currently finishing out my fourth consecutive summer in Florida without a break. I am not willing to do this and I never intended to do it, but I continue to do it for lack of a better option. My mother really needs assisted living, but there's just not enough money to make that happen.
So, I personally don't think this is a situation where you can spell out your intentions in advance. Or if you do, understand that they're only your intentions - they may have little effect on how the situation ultimately plays out.
Oh my goodness; truer words were never spoken. It's one thing to be well-intentioned; it's another to actually take it on. Things change; both of your health might change; relationships change. It's really quite an eye-opener for those who have never actually done it.
Both of my parents are deceased, but I think it would be a good topic for a family discussion at some point before the need is at the front door. That way, the parents can say what they would like and help to make that happen. The children can participate and not feel obligated if it has already been discussed.
Eh, its not just Asian people who don't put their elderly parents in old folks homes. Nursing homes are almost completely dominated by old white people. Sending your parents to live in an old folk's home is largely a white phenomena. Extended family structure where grandparents live with their children and grandchildren in common in black, African and Latino households as well. Across most of the world, elders are respected and revered. But in America, we worship youth. People here spend millions of dollars annually trying to look "younger". The elderly in American culture are often treated like an invisible scourge that we only notice when they annoy us much like homeless people. We complain about the elderly slowing us down by "driving while old" and make fun of their lack of basic tech savvy.
Also, at the root, white American culture is all about independence and self-reliance. It's about moving out of your parent's house the second you turn 18 and never looking back. In African, Asian and Latino cultures, children don't move out until they get married. But in America, it is hard to even get a woman's phone number if you still live with your parents as a man. But America leads the world in single person households which is unnatural. Your parents, assuming they did a good job, took care of you for 18+ years, why not give back? But unfortunately in America, it is more common for people to flat out hate their parents and family members compared to other industrialized nations.
The white cultural overemphasis on independence is a huge facet of our cold western culture. It's like the first 18 years of your life are some mandatory sentence for parents and kids in American culture. Once those 18 years are up both the child and parents are legally liberated from one another. It doesn't seem very loving or natural at all. And it all comes full circle when a middle aged white person puts their elderly parent into a nursing home. The overemphasis on independence from others in white American culture also has birthed many other white dominated phenomena including disproportionately representing the face of cold hard drug addiction. As it stands, the vast majority of prescription pain pill abusers and 90% of heroin users today are white.
Last edited by LunaticVillage; 09-08-2014 at 04:20 PM..
If you think about it yes, because they deserve it and those that disagree have no idea what life is !!!!!
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