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Eh, its not just Asian people who don't put their elderly parents in old folks homes. Nursing homes are almost completely dominated by old white people. Sending your parents to live in an old folk's home is largely a white phenomena. Extended family structure where grandparents live with their children and grandchildren in common in black, African and Latino households as well. Across most of the world, elders are respected and revered. But in America, we worship youth. People here spend millions of dollars annually trying to look "younger". The elderly in American culture are often treated like an invisible scourge that we only notice when they annoy us much like homeless people. We complain about the elderly slowing us down by "driving while old" and make fun of their lack of basic tech savvy.
Also, at the root, white American culture is all about independence and self-reliance. It's about moving out of your parent's house the second you turn 18 and never looking back. In African, Asian and Latino cultures, children don't move out until they get married. But in America, it is hard to even get a woman's phone number if you still live with your parents as a man. But America leads the world in single person households which is unnatural. Your parents, assuming they did a good job, took care of you for 18+ years, why not give back? But unfortunately in America, it is more common for people to flat out hate their parents and family members compared to other industrialized nations.
The white cultural overemphasis on independence is a huge facet of our cold western culture. It's like the first 18 years of your life are some mandatory sentence for parents and kids in American culture. Once those 18 years are up both the child and parents are legally liberated from one another. It doesn't seem very loving or natural at all. And it all comes full circle when a middle aged white person puts their elderly parent into a nursing home. The overemphasis on independence from others in white American culture also has birthed many other white dominated phenomena including disproportionately representing the face of cold hard drug addiction. As it stands, the vast majority of prescription pain pill abusers and 90% of heroin users today are white.
So - quick google of demographics over 65 in the US:
"21% were members of racial or ethnic minority" Which translates to - 79% were not racial or ethnic minorities - therefore - white.
Also - only 3.6% lived in "institutional" settings (though that increased with age until the over 85 demographic - where 11% of those over 85 did. (note - this seems to mean purely institutional settings, not a senior apartment with some services available ala carte).
So, at the moment, yes, there are a lot of old white people in nursing homes, mainly because most of the old people in America are white.
There are apparently a lot more old white people *NOT* in nursing homes
About 57% of the over 65 cohort lived with their spouse and approx. 28% lived alone from this article.
They did not have a measurement for living with children, but did have a measurement of living with grandchildren (2 million people) with nearly a half million of those being the primary caregivers for their grandchildren.
Anyway -- just to say, while I agree that the cultural pendulum swings back and forth in this country, and do agree that leaving home at age 18 is the norm for mainstream American culture - its possible that has to do with the relative wealth of this country over the last 100+ years, rather than strictly the racial makeup.
Keeping children home until marriage when a separate household is developed is typical culturally of family businesses - such as farming, where the child essentially becomes additional labor for the family's business.
Which isn't to say that warmth and family closeness doesn't also develop in such traditions, but that the traditions themselves may have arisen from economic necessity as much as familial bonds.
Which is all fascinating - but a bit off the original topic of the thread.
Personally, I took in both my mother and father for medical (not financial) reasons. My mother passed while hospitalized, though she'd been living with us for the 4+ years preceding the hospitalization and we intended to bring her home again. My father still lives with us (bedridden and dialysis), its my intention to keep him with us until he passes, if its at all possible. Of course neither of them had dementia which I acknowledge would be an extremely complicating factor. For me, its a matter of wanting to provide a safe place for them and not trusting the institutional environments to do the same. (After personal experience with such environments).
If Dad were in an institution, I'd get a mild physical break - but mentally it'd be worse as I wouldn't know what/how they were treating him, and when something went wrong (which it would!) I would blame myself. Therefore there would be little to be gained by it - Dad would be unhappy, I would be neurotic, my husband would be stressed, and the nursing home would bank 10's of thousands. (Assuming he went on medicaid eventually - the average in this state is $6000/month in medicaid dollars, or $72K a year)
Eh, its not just Asian people who don't put their elderly parents in old folks homes. Nursing homes are almost completely dominated by old white people. Sending your parents to live in an old folk's home is largely a white phenomena. Extended family structure where grandparents live with their children and grandchildren in common in black, African and Latino households as well. Across most of the world, elders are respected and revered. But in America, we worship youth. People here spend millions of dollars annually trying to look "younger". The elderly in American culture are often treated like an invisible scourge that we only notice when they annoy us much like homeless people. We complain about the elderly slowing us down by "driving while old" and make fun of their lack of basic tech savvy.
Also, at the root, white American culture is all about independence and self-reliance. It's about moving out of your parent's house the second you turn 18 and never looking back. In African, Asian and Latino cultures, children don't move out until they get married. But in America, it is hard to even get a woman's phone number if you still live with your parents as a man. But America leads the world in single person households which is unnatural. Your parents, assuming they did a good job, took care of you for 18+ years, why not give back? But unfortunately in America, it is more common for people to flat out hate their parents and family members compared to other industrialized nations.
The white cultural overemphasis on independence is a huge facet of our cold western culture. It's like the first 18 years of your life are some mandatory sentence for parents and kids in American culture. Once those 18 years are up both the child and parents are legally liberated from one another. It doesn't seem very loving or natural at all. And it all comes full circle when a middle aged white person puts their elderly parent into a nursing home. The overemphasis on independence from others in white American culture also has birthed many other white dominated phenomena including disproportionately representing the face of cold hard drug addiction. As it stands, the vast majority of prescription pain pill abusers and 90% of heroin users today are white.
I think you have no real experience CAREGIVING.
I think you have no idea that a HUGE percentage of PARENTS move away from their children then refuse help of any type.
I think you have no idea that there are so many facilities that do an excellent job when the "children" can not.
I think you have not read other threads of many many "children" caregivers disproving your theory.
I think you don't realize that 77% of the USA is "white only" on the census and even lately Hispanics are self identifying as white which is often accurate.
Lastly, your statements ASTOUND ME considering you typed the following on another thread:
Quote:
True, I'm from California and in every major city in California, you have Asian populations living in the ghettos and contributing to the crime rate. From Oakland to San Francisco to Stockton to Fresno to Long Beach, you have tons of Asian American poverty and violent Asian American gangs. This is because California is the most open entry point for Asian immigrants from the third world.
I've visited the closest nursing home many times (100+) when my mom was sent there to rehab after each of the last two falls. I would say that most all of the residents appear to be quite far along in mental decline and physical problems, such that the families placed them there because it was beyond their ability to care for them and not because it was convenient. If your mom or dad is in reasonably decent emotional and mental state, the nursing home is not a place to send them to have friends or companions imo. The person who will interact socially with your parent most will be the nurse's aides and the people running the social activities programs.
My parents divorced when I was young and my dad and stepmom raised me although I did see my mother frequently. But they always remained antagonistic toward eachother.
When my mom's husband died and she was alone and sick I mentioned moving her closer to us and my dad, of course, objected saying, "You don't owe her anything." Not long after that both my stepmom and my dad passed on.
We did move my mom in with us. Hard as they were, I treasure those days with her. She was, after all, my mom (not to mention she was a human being sick and in need). We became very close after she moved here but it wasn't all sunshine and roses. Dang hard sometimes! But I still treasure the time I had with her and would do it all over again.
Are we obligated to help our elderly parents? All I can say is you have to do what is in your heart. Imo if you feel guilty walking away then it's the wrong thing to do. But that's just my opinion.
We bought and maintain a home with two connected bedrooms (walk in closets) and a rather spacious jack and jill (on is perfect for a small kitchen). Single floor, all tile, extra car, ... easy access to medical facilities ... All we can do is offer.
I am one of 4 kids. I lived 120 miles away from my parents and work full time three 12 hr night shifts per week. My sisters live much further away but my brother his wife and 3 sons lived one house away from my parents. When my mom hit 80 she developed lung cancer ( no she was not a smoker). My brother and his wife were always " too busy" to help out much . The chemo wiped my mom out pretty bad so I would go down on my days off and help her and my dad out. I work in the medical field so always went to doctor appointments and chemo with her as I understood it all unlike my mom who had such blind faith in the doctors. I promised my mom she would die at home and not in some hospital and at the end I took a family leave to ensure that. As a result my mom had such a beautiful ( yes you read beautiful) peaceful death with almost all the family and her pets and my two dogs around her...don't get to see that in hospital deaths.
After she died I continued to go down every couple of weeks to help my dad. I would clean and cook food to put in his freezer so he did not have to eat the crap one buys in the frozen food section of a grocery store, I took his animals to the vets. He died about 4 yrs later from a suddeny leukemic cell bast .We had not even kown he had developed leukemia which is just as well as he would not have done chemo . He was very anti medicine of any type.
Yeah it was a pain and while all my siblings lives went on in a pretty normal fashion during all those years my life went on hold as when I was home I was at work or sleeping so yeah I lost some friends and relationships and at times I was angry about it but my parents needed some one. I felt they had always been there for me and my siblings and if something bad had happened to one of us they would have been there,so now it was my turn to return that.
I had always had a good relationship with my mom as she was one of those moms many people wished they had. She devoted most of her life to being a mom but did have to return to work when I was about 12 yet she still somehow managed to do it all so helping her was easy. My dad and I did not have the best of relationships and when I moved aways from home many many years ago he and I had a big fight the day before I left and he told me I was never welcome back in his house again. Well I never listened to that and I guess that turned out to be a good thing. He did not stay mad at me and when I bought a home he helped me out and when I traveled he and my mom frequently baby sat my dogs even when I was gone for 2 months so while we struggled in the realtionship he had always been there for me just not a close bond like with my mom.
Now that it is all in the past I can say at times my siblings are a bit jealous as during those years I got to know my parents in way they never will. When my mom would be feeling weak from her chemo we would sit and go through her photos albums from her youth so I knew all her stories, I met many of her friends who I had never really known and if you do not know elderly people can be a true treasure . On the way home from chemo she would be feeling good as they give a large dose of steroids with it so she would be hungry so we would stop and get lunch and talk. I stared seeing the person she was and not just my mom.
My dad had been a bit of a stranger as when I was 12 he bought his own business so we saw little of him and when I did he and I would fight. He was the man that sat at our dinner table and paid the bills and when he got older before my mom got sick and my sister and I were visiting at the same time we took mom some place and never even thought about asking him along ( he had always been too busy) he made some comment about all of us always including my mom but not him so I told him well we do not really even know you as you choose your business over us yet mom always found time for us. Before anyone feels too bad for him he never even went to any of our graduations or sporting events as I said he choose his business over his kids and wife. I can now say I am glad I continued to go down and help him after my mom died as I got to know him before he died and that chance would be gone forever.
I guess being the caregiver was a gift as I got to know two people that I had always just thought of as mom and dad and I will always have the memories of that which none of my siblings will.
I do not feel obligated at all. I will try my best to make sure they are well cared for, but when my mom fell and need full time attention she was totally against going into some type of care or having someone in her home. Her 4 kids MUST work out a rotation to take time off from their jobs and care for her. Didn't happen.
I needed cooperation. Didn't get it.
The in-laws have dug in their heels and said they will never leave their home. They guilted a grandson into taking his vacation to care for FIL when he was home after heart surgery. MIL guilted a son into taking 3 days off of work to fix a roof that was damaged in a storm. She tried to guilt my hubby into paying for it. I want to work with them, not be told what to do. We are no longer children and we are very busy. They just won't give an inch.
So no feelings of obligation here. I tried.
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