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We have some pretty good programs in CA if you qualify for them. You can get near round the clock in home care or for a good portion of the day to help out with whatever needs taking care of.
"Fortunately," and I don't mean that unkindly, my parents have been gone for about 25 years. They were awful for the most part as parents; verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive until I punched-out my father when I was 14 after he back-handed me across a room for something I hadn't done and I knocked him to his knees. Both of them were total alcoholics, argued and fought incessantly and for the most part, I was left to my own devices to very much raise myself.
All that being said, they were my parents and I loved and respected them as such, as difficult as it usually was. There were some good times interspersed when I was young but the older I got the more they evaporated. Still, having lived in mainland China and Japan as a child and Korea as an adult I had always admired how their seniors were valued, respected and cared for while alive while alive and revered when they passed. These weren't bad lessons to learn which, sadly, seem to be evaporating over time in this "modern" world.
At age 66 my mother developed pancreatic cancer which was an instant death sentence. She wanted to die at home and my father agreed to keep her there and as enfeebled as he was by advanced emphysema he did so and managed it well. That was comforting to me as I lived some 450 miles away. I visited several times and finally my mother died at age 67.
As much as they fought, there was a lot of love between my parents and I suspected my father wouldn't last long after my mother's passing. He and I spoke more after her death than we had in my 40+ years before and at one point I went down and spent a week with him. Following that visit I began to try to persuade him to move north to where I was so my then wife and I could keep a closer eye on him and ensure he was nourished, hydrated and cared for as necessary. He refused until just before he died when he finally, seriously considered it.
A bit over a year after Mom's death, not liking what I heard during a telephone conversation (we spoke several times a week by then) I called his area's 911 and he was transported to a hospital. Dad had willed himself to die out of loneliness. He'd just given up. I traveled down to see him, turned his affairs over to his attorney and made sure he was kept comfortable and pain free as system after system shut down. A week later he was gone at age 71. Less than a year later his only sibling, my uncle, died at age 69. Did I mention that I'm 68?
So did I help my parents when they got elderly? I like to think so because they both died knowing that despite our many differences over the years I truly cared and did my best to be a comfort and help to them even over hundreds of miles.
As for me, I guess I can be considered elderly and right now I'm caring for my also elderly, disabled wife. I don't know what the future holds. We're 700 to 2,000 miles from any children and we've both sworn to never be a burden on any of them; even those who in adulthood periodically were burdens to us. I'm sure they'll be relieved!
It would be interesting to find those of us that are "older" and feel it was our privilege to care for our parents vs those a generation or two later that try to rationalize their feeling it is not their job....which, if you think about it is seen these days between generations in life in general attitudes, (i.e. work ethic, and expectations of what is "owed" to one these days......)
It varies by culture and relationship as this shows. Remember some cultures put out older sick people to die as they did the poor and even unwanted children who would not be of use. Perhaps the reason some can hit a old lady for her purse for a few dollars.
It would be interesting to find those of us that are "older" and feel it was our privilege to care for our parents vs those a generation or two later that try to rationalize their feeling it is not their job....which, if you think about it is seen these days between generations in life in general attitudes, (i.e. work ethic, and expectations of what is "owed" to one these days......)
Way to flame and generalize! (I borrowed that from Ringo1 on another thread but it works well here too.)
FWIW, I think the issue has less to do with generational differences than with the particular relationships people have with their parents. I would not dismiss anyone's genuine beliefs as rationalizations, either. If someone doesn't believe they have an obligation (in a situation where they have not chosen to assume an obligation), it's not my place (or yours) to insist that they do.
Absolutely. Respect for parents. My sister moved back home to take care of my dying mom, so I did not have to, but I would have gone back if necessary. All children should take care of their parents if they need it.
Without hesitation. I feel obligated to do everything I possibly can to make sure they are taken care of. I want them to always feel loved and appreciated. I want them to feel honored. I want them to know that I would never leave their side.
Way to flame and generalize! (I borrowed that from Ringo1 on another thread but it works well here too.)
FWIW, I think the issue has less to do with generational differences than with the particular relationships people have with their parents. I would not dismiss anyone's genuine beliefs as rationalizations, either. If someone doesn't believe they have an obligation (in a situation where they have not chosen to assume an obligation), it's not my place (or yours) to insist that they do.
I simply asked a question in my post you are so upset about...but am willing to guess, (based on your angry response) your "age" (if we were taking the question I posed in "it would be interesting" per generation to compare positions) would support my hypothesis.....
It would be interesting to find those of us that are "older" and feel it was our privilege to care for our parents vs those a generation or two later that try to rationalize their feeling it is not their job....which, if you think about it is seen these days between generations in life in general attitudes, (i.e. work ethic, and expectations of what is "owed" to one these days......)
Well, my father and his brother are boomers, and I am GenX I guess (in my mid-40's). My grandma lives with me, at age 93 and in need of general, though not intensive, daily care (meal preparation, bathing, etc.). With me, my husband, and our four children.
Neither of them had the emotional wherewithal or desire to care for her, which left us to offer our home as she sobbed to me on the phone that she was terrified of going to a "home." They are both physically and financially capable of caring for her. We are not paid for this by my father or his brother--though my grandma feels the need to give me a check every month for a very small amount. (I spend it on her--it isn't about the money but it is about some level of accountability, which for her sons there is apparently none.) As far as she is concerned they both walk on water in spite of it all.
So I'm not really sure character is necessarily a generational thing.
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Absolutely
