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I've read that 1 in 4 in the age group 45-64 are taking care of their parents. When I talked to the visiting OT and PT about this, the vast majority in this area (Virginia suburbs of DC) are doing so by hiring home help.
There are also several other threads about this topic. They may help you understand the severity of some situations.
BTW my client is paying $300.00 per day in her ALF and I only WISH I could afford such a "problem" when I'm her age. Or even when I'm 65 not 85.
The most ACTIVE resident there is 101 in a couple months.
It's like a country club. Actually literally IS, now that I think about it.
Since you said you're not American, maybe that makes a difference comparing where you come from and your point of reference. Not ALL are that nice but life isn't all about generalizations.
I wouldn't say obligated but I felt the need to be there for my parents. I had a full time job and took care of them the best I could until I could no longer keep them at home. It was not easy by any means and it was physically and emotionally draining, especially when you work full time. My parents were really good people and even though we didn't have much growing up as children, the love was always there. I didn't have to do what I did, but I wanted to and I personally didn't mind the sacrifice. They are both gone now and I'm so glad I was able to do what I could for them, and I have no regrets and I really miss them.
Idk.. the words obligated and parents to me.. don't ring true. Perhaps cus I am Asian American, my roots are important to me. And the thought of taking take care of someone who raised me, loved me, and struggled through life with me isn't so much about honor nor obligation. It's more about staying loyal to the ones you love and love you back.
These people are not only your blood, but someone you've grown (hopefully) spiritually connected with.
These people, as imperfect at they are, are perfect for us in many ways, and why not take care of them when they too are weak and fragile?
To watch your own flesh and blood die and slowly suffer? The worst possible feeling. Ever.
What more than to be by their side while they are still left here on this earth? I think it's the one true devotion anyone can share with someone who raised, bathed and fed me when I too was weak and frail as a child.
It's like coming to a full circle- where one shows gratitude, dignity, and reverence to to the people we hold closest and dearest in our hearts.
Idk.. the words obligated and parents to me.. don't ring true. Perhaps cus I am Asian American, my roots are important to me. And the thought of taking take care of someone who raised me, loved me, and struggled through life with me isn't so much about honor nor obligation. It's more about staying loyal to the ones you love and love you back.
These people are not only your blood, but someone you've grown (hopefully) spiritually connected with.
These people, as imperfect at they are, are perfect for us in many ways, and why not take care of them when they too are weak and fragile?
To watch your own flesh and blood die and slowly suffer? The worst possible feeling. Ever.
What more than to be by their side while they are still left here on this earth? I think it's the one true devotion anyone can share with someone who raised, bathed and fed me when I too was weak and frail as a child.
It's like coming to a full circle- where one shows gratitude, dignity, and reverence to to the people we hold closest and dearest in our hearts.
Yes that's such a sweet concept. One that's been debated many times here especially by people with no experience in difficult circumstances.
Have you ever met or had to take care of anyone with serious brain disease or mental illness? Not to even mention a physical disease that doesn't affect the brain.
If you quit your job how will you survive?
What if your spouse's parents need care are you going to quit to clean your father in law and take care of them AND your parents too. All four people?
What's the plan when they kick you out and call the cops claiming you're poisoning them? Or they fall repeatedly because they won't drink water and the "authorities" threaten you to get a guardianship for them? or they refuse to let you clean them when they're covered in feces and urine? Or they're a HOARDER and you can't even walk inside the house and the authorities are going to condemn it and they won't leave OR clean. Or their health requires 24 hour skilled nursing care and you don't have 50K a month to pay for it. etc etc etc
Now read reality :
There are alot of HEROS doing the RIGHT thing getting help for their loved ones.
Because you need a special license in FL ALFS and in an ALF you are not even permitted to have a resident with a grade 3 or more. WITH actual NURSES there.
Now imagine that patient is incontinent and bed ridden on TOP of it and mentally ill on TOP of THAT. And you're broke. And so are they.
My mom keep saying that I won't take care of her when she's old and I don't plan on it. She's mean and unwilling to acknowledge her problems. I have no problem taking care of my dad. The problem is my parents are married.
I assist with my parents already, when they are sick or after surgery and with recovery. However, my own husband has healthcare needs/issues and I can't really do much physically to assist him. I can cook and clean and bathe and that sort of thing, but I can't pick people up or move them around. And I surely couldn't do a thing if someone fell.
So if my parents need any "hands on" care of that type, neither I nor my sisters would be of much assistance. However, they have planned well and plan to go into an ALF should the day come (and really, it is about here now). They chose where they wanted to live about 25 years ago and have friends there now, so it is not something they "dread" if their health means that would be the right move to make.
I would always check in on them and take them out for daytrips, etc. wherever they lived. I have told them they can move in with me but they prefer their own space and I can certainly understand that.
Idk.. the words obligated and parents to me.. don't ring true. Perhaps cus I am Asian American, my roots are important to me. And the thought of taking take care of someone who raised me, loved me, and struggled through life with me isn't so much about honor nor obligation. It's more about staying loyal to the ones you love and love you back.
These people are not only your blood, but someone you've grown (hopefully) spiritually connected with.
These people, as imperfect at they are, are perfect for us in many ways, and why not take care of them when they too are weak and fragile?
To watch your own flesh and blood die and slowly suffer? The worst possible feeling. Ever.
What more than to be by their side while they are still left here on this earth? I think it's the one true devotion anyone can share with someone who raised, bathed and fed me when I too was weak and frail as a child.
It's like coming to a full circle- where one shows gratitude, dignity, and reverence to to the people we hold closest and dearest in our hearts.
My Mom weighs 100 lbs. My Dad kept falling, usually in the night. He eventually broke a hip because Mom couldn't keep him in bed at night with dementia. If he had been in a rest home with 24/7 care it might have been different. Or, I could have quit my job and we all could have been homeless.
The reality is that most people are not equipped to provide the specialized care that many elderly require. That's where nursing homes, whether of the intensive nursing, assisted living or independent living variety, come in.
With the changes in the workplace, women entering it, taking place over the last 40 years there's no one at home to take care of the parents.
And this is not a "new" phenomenon as many of you seem to believe. My grandparents were admitted to nursing homes over 50 years ago when they could no longer live at home and their needs required more intensive care.
One of my earliest, most distasteful, memories is being a small child (3/4) in the 1950s visiting the maiden great aunts in "The Home".
That is a fact that people want to gloss over. There's often a reason why people end up in assisted living, nursing home, etc. and it's not always because people don't want to care for them but their needs are bigger than what their family can provide. My great aunt went into a nursing home when she turned the gas stove on (without the flame ignited) and walked away (dementia). There's a point where patients can't be handled by their family alone. If they are bed bound it's even more intensive.
For me, I'd care for my dad (not my mom, who I "divorced" due to her toxic ways). If I needed the help of a nursing home to ensure he was taken care of, then so be it. It doesn't mean I don't love him. It's just I know my limitations. My dad is also 200 lbs. I don't have the ability to move weight like that unless I dragged him by the arm across the floor. Which I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate.
With that, I don't believe that people should be "obligated" to help anyone who has abused them.
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