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i think it really hits people who dont have kids later in life. thats when you realize you are going to die and leave nothing in this world behind you. you also see your friends that are enjoying their role as grandparents and it makes you wish you were able to do that also. so i think in he long run, people without kids regret it. i dont think too many people sit on their deathbed thinking that they wish they could have accumulated more money or bought a more expensive car. money cant buy what children can give you.
I see an elderly aunt of mine (90) who was widowed young. She has no one to help her navigate the ravages of old age and my cousin, busy taking care of her own 88 y/o mother, will probably be forced into the role of caring for my Aunt as well.
Now I realize that having children doesn't mean they will 'take care of you' in your old age - but hopefully they would help you find the right home, caregiver, SOMETHING. She has no one ~ no one at all. She takes great interest in my cousin's daughter - in fact, that's pretty much all she can talk about. I think that the young girl (15) takes the place of a daughter she never had.
Her husband required a great deal of caretaking - so I can understand why she didn't want kids at that time. I do think she has regrets though.
While I would never trade having a child for anything - I could see where CF couples are able to focus more on each other; spend time alone together, etc.
I think it's a terrible fallacy to believe your children will ever care for you when you are old. It's a terrible reason to have a child, besides. It's selfish and doesn't take into account their choice to care for you or not.
My mom and dad were married to other people before they married each other and had me. My half sister (mother's daughter) and my half brother (father's son) have almost nothing to do with the family. The grandchildren have virtually no relationship with my parents.
When my father had a mental breakdown, my brother didn't know about it. Why? He disowned our family years ago because my parents told him to get a job or go to college. He packed his stuff secretly and moved out. He never called, emailed, or spoke to us again.
When my mom told my sister that she had cancer, my sister said (AND I QUOTE!), "Oh, mom, there's nothing wrong with you. You just need a massage." ?!??!
No, not all children care about their parents. Not all children visit you in the hospital or talk to you or even send a card. Not all children make sure you have a good relationship with your grandchildren, and I don't think it's necessarily about how you raise your kids. It's all a crap-shoot, as they say. To procreate so you don't feel alone at 60 or 70 or 80 may backfire. I'm not against kids (though I have none), but I am against having them for selfish reasons.
I think it's a terrible fallacy to believe your children will ever care for you when you are old. It's a terrible reason to have a child, besides. It's selfish and doesn't take into account their choice to care for you or not.
My mom and dad were married to other people before they married each other and had me. My half sister (mother's daughter) and my half brother (father's son) have almost nothing to do with the family. The grandchildren have virtually no relationship with my parents.
When my father had a mental breakdown, my brother didn't know about it. Why? He disowned our family years ago because my parents told him to get a job or go to college. He packed his stuff secretly and moved out. He never called, emailed, or spoke to us again.
When my mom told my sister that she had cancer, my sister said (AND I QUOTE!), "Oh, mom, there's nothing wrong with you. You just need a massage." ?!??!
No, not all children care about their parents. Not all children visit you in the hospital or talk to you or even send a card. Not all children make sure you have a good relationship with your grandchildren, and I don't think it's necessarily about how you raise your kids. It's all a crap-shoot, as they say. To procreate so you don't feel alone at 60 or 70 or 80 may backfire. I'm not against kids (though I have none), but I am against having them for selfish reasons.
Of course you are right, regarding your particular situation ... and I guess we can all come-up with annecdotal exceptions on either end of the spectrum to illustrate almost any point.
But, fortunately, these 'exceptions' are just that ... and not the general rule. About all any of us can do is 'the best we can' to anticipate and deal with an uncertain future. In that respect, the general advice and experiences of those who have already been there, are probably much more reliable than the impressions and opinions of those who have not.
I don't know one single person (well,maybe one) who had children so someone would take care of them in their old age.
I certainly don't want my son to take care of me. I do hope he would help me find a good SNF if it comes to that.
Alas, should he fly off to live on another continent - and I only see him once every 10 years - I still would be glad I had him and all the wonderful memories he's brought me.
To me, there's a time for everything. I didn't have children for a number of years in my marriage. It was fine for a while and gave me the chance to do a lot of things I probably couldn't do if I had children at the time. But eventually, I began to feel something was missing.
Now, I have children and couldn't be happier. I have bonded strongly with them and am very happy to have brought them into the world. It's almost like getting to relive your childhood but with all the knowledge and experience you have now. There's nothing like watching your child being restless and excited to see you at the end of the day. It's a unique and amazing feeling.
Well, for sure...I didn't have kids for my old age. Just like my Mom who wanted no one to have to care for her, I feel the same. I hope my ending will be fast and quick like hers.
I love my children and grandchildren as they give me joy and I try to give them joy. I believe life is for that. As a single person or a couple it would make things a bit too self centered. Everything for "us or me." I'd rather it be for "them."
I, too, love those loud and rambuncious outbursts when the little fellows first arrive at the door.
The day one of the boys came up to me at age two and said, " Non, your little fellows are here." and hugged me so very tightly.
The day we were moving and the 10 year old set his clock to get up to say goodbye to us.
( it just was such a sweet statement of our love for each other)
Lots of days with moving words and stories...too many for here.
Life without them...would be so very empty and so very dull....a bit loveless, for sure.
A holiday without them would not be for me. They are my holiday...thru and thru.
I understand, I feel children are the Best and Worst gift!
Agreed. I have often daydreamed about what my life would be like if I never had kids, the money I would have, the trips I could take. I'd probably always feel like I missed out on something, though. And I think your whole paradigm changes once you have kids; you see the world in a different way and there are some magical moments. I admire people who know they don't want kids and make a conscious decision not to have them. I also admire people who know their life wouldn't be complete without them and make a conscious decision to have kids and raise them well. I'm somewhere in the middle.
And I also agree that it depends on how the kids turn out. I have friends with kids who turned out to be drug addicts/alcholics/moochers/having kids with no way to support them/stilling living at home at age 30. I have seen those parents so stressed out. Their lives would be so much better without the kids. Sorry, but it's true...
Some couples just wouldn't feel "fulfilled" without children and a family of their own...And other couples just don't want to "mess" with kids...I think it's VIP to look for a good "match" before people consider getting married.. Problems arise when one spouse wants kids and the other one doesn't. This can lead to "disaster" for a marriage and for the kids who get caught in the "cross-fire."
I don't understand the "debate." Isn't it clear that people who don't want children and don't have them are happier than people who don't want children and do have them? And the reverse--people who want children and have them are happier than people who want children and don't have them?
I have one child and have had frustrating moments when I've thought "I can't wait til she's grown up and on her own" but I've never wished I didn't have her. Maybe that's because I didn't marry and have her til my mid-30's so I knew what it was like to be childfree.
I have a good friend who is childfree by choice and she and her husband live a charmed life--lots of free time and travel. And while I think she sometimes feels sorry for me because I don't have the freedom she does, I don't envy her at all. To the contrary, IMO, nothing can compare to your toddler crawling into your lap for a snuggle or your bright-eyed teenager telling you about the ups and downs of her day. There is literally nothing in the world I would trade for those experiences.
But, to address the debate question, I think the answer is that the happiest people are those who have knowingly and willingly chosen to be parents--or not--and obtained the outcome they desired.
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