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Sparks...My older son took pride in being "practical." He got over the deaths of his grandparents and "birth" dad pretty fast. You mentioned in your opening post that you were able to work-through your grief over losing your dad in a few months...My younger son was the total opposite. He was "crushed" and experienced overwhelming grief when family members died...My older son started changing the last few years before he died. He let himself "feel more" and had more compassion and empathy for others...I'm a widow myself and both my sons are dead now... I "feel" for you but I also "feel" for your mother too. She has to deal with all kinds of trauma and feelings and memories during the holiday season this year...I wish you both the best. (And your whole family.) It just seems weird to hear you talk about giving your mom some "tough love."
Thank you for your comments CArizona
It is interesting how people cope with death. I am a very soft hearted person that tends to show emotion rather quickly. However I also know that death is coming for all of us. None of us will escape this natural fact, nor did the millions of people that came before us. People have been coming into this world and going out of this world since God made the first. When we lose someone we love, I believe it is our loss. It is our burden to carry the loss of the individual. We are the ones that have lost something while the deceased has gained eternity. If you are Christian then you know that your loved one has gone to a better place. They have just won the lottery of life and it is only beginning.
Have you thought about getting your mom into grieve counseling? Some churches and community centers in her area may have free groups.
As for the holidays, I would suggest you still go to visit her even if she says not to. I know you want to respect her wishes but sometimes people may not be thinking right. Even if all you do (and your wife/kids) is give her hugs and kisses and let her know that you support her, it will do her some good.
I'm a mom. If I said "no thanks" I would mean it. Because I would not be in the mood to put on a happy show. Or be bothered.
Offer to stop by for ONE HOUR to do whatever you want to do. That is way more tolerable than a whole day.
Do NOT decide to "throw Thanksgiving" etc at her house. OMG I'd have a fit.
Her entire world has changed forever and children and grandchildren cannot fill that void right now. Or maybe not ever. It's hard to say how long her grieving process will last.
Thank you for being such a great son! Lastly, you know her better so follow your gut. Just be aware that she may not respond as you hoped. Don't take it personally.
Are you a widow, runswithscissors? Is that the way you treated or will treat your kids if they want to comfort you? Do you need to "act" with your own family? Mom may need another good cry on the shoulder of her son.
Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
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Sparks, I was married for 36 years to my husband and was his legal assistant (he was an attorney) for the majority of that time, while still raising our four kids. When my husband died suddenly in late October 2009, I thought my life was over. I had no idea how to be me as I'd always been someone's wife, mother, daughter, or right-hand person. Your mom may be struggling with who she is and how does she go on alone, and where does she belong. My first Thanksgiving after my husband died was one month to the day later. I spent it pretty much alone, and it was awful. I wanted my family with me, but I didn't because I was totally grief stricken.
That said, your mom may say she doesn't want you there, but if she's like me, she really does. Being a mom, though, she doesn't want you to go out of your way, do anything special just for her, etc. I think she would really appreciate you and your family choosing to be with her, even if she's in no mood for family. In a few months, she will be really glad you didn't listen to her and chose to spend time with her despite her best intentions. I wish my kids had not listened to me when I said I'd be fine spending Thanksgiving alone. I wasn't, and it hurt to be alone.
Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
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Quote:
Originally Posted by runswithscissors
I'm a mom. If I said "no thanks" I would mean it. Because I would not be in the mood to put on a happy show. Or be bothered.
Offer to stop by for ONE HOUR to do whatever you want to do. That is way more tolerable than a whole day.
Do NOT decide to "throw Thanksgiving" etc at her house. OMG I'd have a fit.
Her entire world has changed forever and children and grandchildren cannot fill that void right now. Or maybe not ever. It's hard to say how long her grieving process will last.
Thank you for being such a great son! Lastly, you know her better so follow your gut. Just be aware that she may not respond as you hoped. Don't take it personally.
Runswithscissors, it doesn't sound like you're a widow, or that you know how a widow, or an older mom, would react. Those of us who are widows with adult kids and grandkids will often say, "I'm okay. I'll be fine. Please don't come visit.", but what we're really saying is, "I'm doing the best I can. I hope it will get better. Please don't go out of your way for me."
We don't want our kids to do something special just for us because we don't think we're special, or for them to give up their time for us because we know they're busy with their own families, and we tend to think more of them than we do of ourselves. You're answer that "OMG I'd have a fit" shows that you're only thinking of you, and not what your kids might want to do for you out of love and concern for you in light of losing your husband, best friend and the person you devoted your life to. When you're a widow, you don't think of yourself, but of everyone else, instead. That's what Sparks's mom is doing.
Sparks...Thanks for your personal note...I think I'm going to "bow-out" and mind my own business from now on.. Normally, I stay on the "sidelines" and don't try to hand other people advice...Sorry that I got so "involved."...I wish you and your Mom and family the best. Good luck to all of you.
I think it's easy to become "personally involved" in someone else's life. (Based on our own experiences and thoughts and feelings and wants and wishes, etc.)...But in reality, we're all "different." We're not identical "clones" or "carbon copies" of each other...What one mom "wants" may not be what another mom (or person) "wants," etc...Anyway, I just don't feel qualified to tell Sparks "what to do" or "not do!" I am biased! And I don't know Sparks (or his Mom) personally...So this is why I decided to "bow-out!"
Sparks I am sorry for your loss of your father and it appears you love your mother very much. You have been provided with excellent advice. My holidays I want to spend time alone. I have no family, so it suits me.
Grief doesn't have a time table, we all grieve differently. Just as CA mentions we are not "clones" or "carbon copies" and I would not want anyone offering me advice of what to do and how to do it, I had too many "fixers" out there. People wanting to fix me. Yuck. I am grieving, I am not broken and need to be fixed. I can't tell you how many people told me that I have to volunteer. Huh, volunteer? With what energy?
This is especially a hard time on your mother, go gently and softly, if you are compelled to visit her. You sound a like a son every woman would love to have. Bless you.
Sparks, this is one of those situations where you just have to show up. Your Mom needs you more than you know.
lovesMountains is right Sparks, don't ask..just show up..She may say she doesn't want you coming over, but that's because she's feeling depressed..She needs you to show up and help her to see that life's still worth living...Take her out for dinner, or get some goods and make it for her.
Depending on finances, you might think about taking a vacation trip with her as a family somewhere instead of doing traditional holiday stuff. Family time without the holiday preparation pressures, a location that doesn't have baggage...even just a long weekend type trip could be really helpful.
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