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I hope I'm posting this in the right place. Our Mom has terminal brain cancer. She is in her final days now. We have a sister who lives across the country who is not planning on attending the funeral. My other siblings are extremely upset by this. The sister who is not attending told me that she wants to mourn in her own way and doesn't believe that she HAS to come to the funeral. I tend to agree with her. Does anyone here think she is being selfish or callous for not attending? I know there will be hurt feelings from my other siblings, but I do believe that it's a very personal decision.
I'm so sorry, it is so hard to lose a mother, no words...
I do want to say that although it's not our place to judge how your sister grieves, I just cannot imagine not showing up to your own mom's funeral. When I was at my mom's funeral, so many people came and expressed their condolences. So many people that my mom loved and cared for, all her students, her friends, all came to the funeral and I couldn't believe how many people loved and cared for my mother.
It was a very important part for me. My mother would hate it if I didn't show up for her own funeral, I think it's a disgrace if you ask me.
I think when people have a 100% belief that their way is the only way of doing things, not even 90/10, irrespective of circumstance, it simply becomes an arguement that goes no where.
Again..you need to agree to disagree. We all have opinions on this subject. Arguing about what is right or wrong with another member isn't going to change their minds. State your opinon and move on..
The sister who is not attending told me that she wants to mourn in her own way and doesn't believe that she HAS to come to the funeral. I tend to agree with her. Does anyone here think she is being selfish or callous for not attending? I know there will be hurt feelings from my other siblings, but I do believe that it's a very personal decision.
i agree 10,000% with you
it's a personal decision
no one can ever know a person's relationship with the deceased, and how they honor that. it is not the siblings place to criticize
it is mature and respectful of you to accept and allow your sister's decision.
and it is mature and respectful of you to see beyond the petty judgmental criticism of the other siblings.
Last edited by Tzaphkiel; 10-21-2009 at 11:33 AM..
She is not being selfish at all. Some people may need funerals and some don't. The dead person certainly doesn't care---- they're DEAD. I cannot understand why they have funerals like they do. I think it's morbid to have the dead body on display, and the embalming and vault and all that...how are you ever going to decay and go back to the earth with all that preserving crap. Not to mention they are just a drama fest in many ways and TOO EXPENSIVE FOR WHAT??. I personally will be cremated upon death and the money that would be spent on a funeral and all the paraphenalia will be used to send those I love the most on a nice trip or have a nice dinner... to have fun and not worry a funeral ceremony.
its seems pretty selfish to me. parents funerals are a time for siblings to bond. it just seems like a peice of the puzzle will be missing. as everyone is sitting around talking about mom that perspective will be missing.
she probably doesnt understand tht "her" grieving, like everything else in this world, is tied to her family. (unless there has been a serious falling out or some family drama).
She is not being selfish at all. Some people may need funerals and some don't. The dead person certainly doesn't care---- they're DEAD. I cannot understand why they have funerals like they do. I think it's morbid to have the dead body on display, and the embalming and vault and all that...how are you ever going to decay and go back to the earth with all that preserving crap. Not to mention they are just a drama fest in many ways and TOO EXPENSIVE FOR WHAT??. I personally will be cremated upon death and the money that would be spent on a funeral and all the paraphenalia will be used to send those I love the most on a nice trip or have a nice dinner... to have fun and not worry a funeral ceremony.
I agree wholeheartedly with this. Two days ago marked the sixth anniversary of my father's passing. He had been sick in the hospital for almost two months, and my mother had kind of been preparing herself for the fact that he might not come back home. A couple of weeks before he actually passed, we were in the kitchen and she remarked that she had been thinking about cremation if the worst were to happen. I immediately agreed with her, knowing her personality and how traumatized she would be at seeing him stiff and laid out like that. Plus no telling how he would have looked after those embalming fluids and stuff mixed with all the medicine he had in him.
My cousin decided she wanted to pitch a fit about that decision, and I let her have it. Boy did I go off on her. I told her in no uncertain terms that WE (my mother and I) were the ones who were at the hospital every freaking day, and you were nowhere to be seen, even though you live a few blocks from the hospital. The only reason she wanted a funeral was so she could whoop and holler and create a scene, and without a body, she didn't have a prop for her act. We went ahead and had him cremated, and spread his ashes over his mother's grave. And it was best for my mother too.
In fact, I was spooked early on from seeing a dead body. I was in NC for the summer with my grandparents and I was carted off to a wake. I must have been about 6 or 7, and it was a family friend who had passed. The woman's daughter was devastated, and was literally pulling the body out of the casket, screaming "mama don't go, mama don't go". I knew what a funeral was, but a wake was foreign. Grandaddy explained that a wake was like "a smaller version of the funeral". Right then I decided that a wake was enough, and I wouldn't be going to any funeral. When my grandaddy died a few years later, I didn't go see his body, and I generally avoided funerals. It wasn't until 1996, when I was 22, that I finally got up the courage to go see my aunt (my father's sister) when she passed away. And even then I did it because I felt like "well, I'm gonna have to deal with it sooner or later".
I'm not mad at the sibling in the first post. Many people grieve in different ways. I often find funerals to be excuses for people to have drama and show out. I didn't cry a whole lot in the days after my father died. Then one day I was driving in the car, and Luther Vandross' "Dance With My Father" came on the radio. That CD had been in my car when I was going back and forth to the hospital, and then it just hit me; I was at the light bawling.
I was spooked early on from seeing a dead body. I was in NC for the summer with my grandparents and I was carted off to a wake. I must have been about 6 or 7, and it was a family friend who had passed. The woman's daughter was devastated, and was literally pulling the body out of the casket, screaming "mama don't go, mama don't go".
Your story reminds me of a similar event. As a child, I went to great grandma's funeral. We had the service and everyone was gathered around the grave. Certain members of the family decided they needed to see great grandma one more time before lowering her in. So they opened up the casket and as everyone began to walk around it taking their last look, the ground began to give and it turned over the casket and out popped great grandma. Talk about freaking all us little ones out, we were terrified.
I took care of my mother through her terminal cancer at home. It was her wish not to have a funeral/memorial service. I paid my respects to her by taking care of her and following her wishes. But when I announced that there would be no funeral service, everyone called me a heathen and screamed at me. I ignored them and did what my mother asked of me. I think well meaning people should mind their own business. Oh, and by the way, those people who screamed at me, they never offered any help when mom was sick but tried to get a piece of her money after her death. So much for all their caring words. Vultures.
I hope I'm posting this in the right place. Our Mom has terminal brain cancer. She is in her final days now. We have a sister who lives across the country who is not planning on attending the funeral. My other siblings are extremely upset by this. The sister who is not attending told me that she wants to mourn in her own way and doesn't believe that she HAS to come to the funeral. I tend to agree with her. Does anyone here think she is being selfish or callous for not attending? I know there will be hurt feelings from my other siblings, but I do believe that it's a very personal decision.
I am so sorry to hear about your mom, however....
that's up to her, don't feel anything one way or the other about it....
no matter what you do in life, someone is going to find fault
its all in how you were raised to believe...
But the dying person is an immediately proximal loved one. Worse, it's a parent
I sounded that off my personal experience. My father died and my brother did not attend the burial ceremony. He was in the midst of his semester exams in Canada, a semester that was so expensive he was not prepared to retake and respend money, despite the fact that I offered to write that money away. (Ego, I may not want your money, it had to do with our upbringing, never expect money from anyone, my own father would sound off on how he would not expect a dime from me)
And for 2 days, at least 2000 people asked me where my brother was. My mother was nearly unconscious and mentally disintegrated the whole time and I had to tell them why this boy didn't show up
And when they were burying, the general custom is to have the two sons scoop the mud into the grave. Mom can't go coz widows are debarred from the site (weird customs) I scooped it all myself, I missed my brother there, I missed the bastard. I just needed support, because he was a strong brother and we always hung out together, even when we were catching cobras in the woods (this is a popular sibling hobby) or flying kites in the fields.
you don't have to explain to anyone why your brother wasn't there...it's none of their business....maybe they asked, b/c they had nothing else to say..people get very nervous at these things and do not always say the right things....?
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