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We've tried to create our own traditions. But our family is so pushy, they end up inviting themselves over and then the stress begins. And I do know I have a choice, but even when I'm firm about it, the guilt gets to me. What to do?
Learn to "uninvite" them as soon as they get to the door ( or before if possible).
Dont feel guilty...embrace the lack of headaches instead!
I have nowhere else to go, so I usually go somewhere to be alone.
Does anyone else have a toxic family? I think one of the reasons people in families go crazy is because of all the lies and denial that goes on. Some minds can't handle it. Is anybody else struggling? Send me a PM if you can't post here.
Wow. Hey, I'm sorry to hear this.
Though I'm pretty damn opinionated, I'm pretty much a "let sleeping dogs lie" kind of person and my parents were the consummate nags...each in their own way. This woke up the dog (me) and I would bark until they backed down. Sometimes, they were ridiculous.
It's amazing that I'm not this way with most of my friends and coworkers/subordinates. If they disappoint me, I walk away. They have to keep on disappointing me for me to "blow up." In fact, most of the time, when I get work that isn't done correctly and I think the person doing it is hopeless (but I can't fire them), I take it back and do it myself rather than have a "blow out." They usually get fired later, anyway, after working for and exasperating a string of people.
My Dad is deceased, but I do go to check in on my Mom for most of the major holidays. What can you do, parents are the hand one is dealt.
phone calls and mail gifts are much much better. meeting not at home but a restaurant or other neutral ground is much much better. boundaries is the name of the game. for some insane reason family does not feel they owe members as good a treatment as their dog, esp during holidays.
i kid you not. in care facilities many many old people die after "family visits" during holidays.
Last edited by Huckleberry3911948; 09-28-2008 at 12:59 AM..
Huckle: Now the restaurant idea is a great one. Family can't act as bad as they would at home. Thanks for that idea.
And the ipepac (sp.?) idea, great!
I shouldn't feel guilty but I do. And exactly because of robert's post. We don't choose our family and someday they won't be here anymore, so it's really in my best interest and theirs to at least try. ugh.
I have great difficulties with both my in-laws and my own family. My own family, I can take care of...but my husband's family is more difficult since I want to take his feeliings into consideration.
But what about my feelings. I am going to speak to him about my feelings....I don't think we can entirely not see his toxis parents on Christmas....but I think we could change what we usually do, which is ALL OF THE WORK...for both Christmas Eve dinner -- the turkey bit -- and then the Christmas dinner which is different but just as difficult to make...we do all of the dishes and clean up...all we do is work...and I get criticized and ignored...I don't want that anymore and my therapist has made a suggestion that I don't go...but I think I will say that we go down to the retirement home dinner that they cook on Christmas for the residents--my in-laws are residents...and that way I won't be slaving all of the time and then we GO HOME THE NEXT DAY...so we are only staying one day...which I think is fair and then my husband and I can have our own Christmas....
I think if you try to change the circumstances somehow and think about the part that bothers you the most about being with family, you might get by. Also I like the idea of coming up with other things to do that one wise person posted....the husband didn't really get that she was doing it to avoid and she succeeded.
I can only handle one holiday with my family so I used to book a vacation by myself to the islands or cancun for Thanksgiving for 3 or 4 days and then called after I was there. I would spend my Thanksgiving being served right on the beach of shrimp cocktail and Pina Colodas for breakfast, while they were all home yelling and ripping each other apart.
I used to have holidays like Christmas at my house, but no more. So that frees me up to either go or not go someplace else. If you are married tell each side you are going to the other's houses for the day.
If you want to be around people, I go back to a previous post of driving around until you find a house with the most cars and slip in as crazy cousin sally or weird aunt edna.
Yea, I really wish there was a way to avoid inlaws for holidays! Anytime we are around my inlaws my husband acts like a different person (and not a good one). I don't particularly like his family, but it is almost worse dealing with him around them.
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Family difficulties at the Xmas season
