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Old 02-14-2014, 12:41 PM
 
255 posts, read 310,034 times
Reputation: 251

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Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve View Post
You are just friends. Friends call and friends don't call, what's the big deal?

If you are REALLY over her, why are you so frustrated about it? Was there something SUPER important you needed to tell her?

If she is a good friend otherwise, let go of that issue and stop being so needy.
Well she moved to San Francisco two years ago and ever since then we've talked on the phone twice a week. But there are times where she shuts down and will go a couple weeks without calling and will not return a phone call or text in a timely manner (5 days later for instance). Then she'll tell me she loves me and that I'm the best friend she has.

Someone asked earlier who initiates the calls. It's her 90% of the time.

I hate the term but we were once "friends with benefits" then mutually decided that if we continued on that path we'd eventually lose the friends part. You're probably right that I'm not quite over her in that regard. So, it's a complicated relationship.

We've been close for almost ten years so I'm not going to end it just because she didn't call me back when she said she would. It's just that she has all the power in this relationship. We talk when she wants to. It used to be three times a week, now its not even once a week. If I miss a call of hers and don't call back the next day she'll text me to call her ASAP. If I go a few days? Then I get "I'm worried about you" texts from her.

I don't think I'm being needy. I think I just have no power in this relationship.
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Old 02-14-2014, 12:54 PM
PJA
 
2,387 posts, read 2,376,866 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bartleby9 View Post
Well she moved to San Francisco two years ago and ever since then we've talked on the phone twice a week. But there are times where she shuts down and will go a couple weeks without calling and will not return a phone call or text in a timely manner (5 days later for instance). Then she'll tell me she loves me and that I'm the best friend she has.

Someone asked earlier who initiates the calls. It's her 90% of the time.

I hate the term but we were once "friends with benefits" then mutually decided that if we continued on that path we'd eventually lose the friends part. You're probably right that I'm not quite over her in that regard. So, it's a complicated relationship.

We've been close for almost ten years so I'm not going to end it just because she didn't call me back when she said she would. It's just that she has all the power in this relationship. We talk when she wants to. It used to be three times a week, now its not even once a week. If I miss a call of hers and don't call back the next day she'll text me to call her ASAP. If I go a few days? Then I get "I'm worried about you" texts from her.

I don't think I'm being needy. I think I just have no power in this relationship.
Why does she initiate %90 of the calls? Maybe you would talk more if you took more initiative. Instead of waiting on her to call, you should call her...and if she's busy....SO WHAT??? Call her later! I think you are making much too big a deal out of this and reading more into her actions then whats probably there.
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Old 02-14-2014, 01:32 PM
 
Location: Plandome, NY
7,048 posts, read 7,618,141 times
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some people are just lame...its part of their personality.....sorta of the habitual tardy friend.
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Old 02-14-2014, 01:50 PM
 
255 posts, read 310,034 times
Reputation: 251
Quote:
Originally Posted by PJA View Post
Why does she initiate %90 of the calls? Maybe you would talk more if you took more initiative. Instead of waiting on her to call, you should call her...and if she's busy....SO WHAT??? Call her later! I think you are making much too big a deal out of this and reading more into her actions then whats probably there.
well maybe not 90%. Probably closer to 75%. I'm not sure..that's how its always been. I used to call her and it was always "let me call you back" and then she'd call me a couple hours later when she was in bed and done doing what she was doing. And I guess that just led to her calling me most of the time.
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Old 02-14-2014, 02:05 PM
 
Location: Bay Area, Calif.
2,435 posts, read 2,719,759 times
Reputation: 2579
Some people would rather avoid you than be for real. Move on. There's more where that came from.
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Old 02-14-2014, 03:10 PM
 
Location: SLC, UT
1,571 posts, read 2,153,006 times
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It's not as simple as her not respecting you or not caring or whatever else. This may just be how she is. I'm not very good with calling people back, either, but if they ever need to talk to me, if they ever need to lean on me - if they ever need me for anything, I'm right there and I have their backs. I'm a good friend, but I'm not a fantastic communicator - it's just who I am, and it has nothing to do with respect or not caring or otherwise. Everyone has their harmless quirks - you either accept that about them, or you move on.

Now, if you know that she's usually very good about calling back, and she's not calling you back, then that may be her non-confrontational way of letting you know that she doesn't feel as close to you as she used to, and that maybe your expectation of being able to talk with her every day is a little much. It's a little cowardly of her, but if you get angry over her not calling you when you expect her to, then maybe she's justified in going a less confrontational route.

I think the REAL issue here, is that you're still harboring feelings for her. You spoke to her for twenty minutes, and then get really upset that she didn't call you back the next day? A lot of best friends won't speak to one another every day, let alone for twenty minutes at a time. I think you probably need to move on, emotionally. You can remain friends with her if that's what you want, but you should probably stop expecting to be so close to her. Again, I have best friends, but I still don't expect to talk to them every day, and I don't ever get mad if they don't call me exactly when they said they would, because I understand that "life" can get in the way. And you can sure bet I don't count on my fingers the exact amount of times they failed to call me exactly when they said they would. You're obsessing too much over this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bartleby9 View Post
I don't think I'm being needy. I think I just have no power in this relationship.
You're being needy. I know this, because you're claiming to not have "power" in the relationship. Here's the thing - it's not about power. You're available to her whenever she calls you because you REALLY want to talk to her, and you're clinging to the relationship (friends w/ benefits) that you used to have. She's busy a lot of the time you call her, because she has other things going on - she has other friends, people she may be going on dates with, work stuff, and activities/hobbies. If you want to reclaim some of the imaginary power, then go get a hobby, go on some dates, make some more friends - stop being so available all the time. But it's on you, not on her. She's more busy than you are - that doesn't make her powerful, it just makes her less reliant on you than you are on her.
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Old 02-14-2014, 03:13 PM
 
5,642 posts, read 5,106,164 times
Reputation: 10149
Quote:
Originally Posted by thesefourwalls View Post
I have a friend who (even when she calls me) always does that. I don't take it personally with her, because I realized some time ago its just a verbal tic. She doesn't mean anything by it, and I don't go through my day expecting a call from her
Yeah this. I have known several people with this trait. I doubt it's personal.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bartleby9 View Post

I don't think I'm being needy. I think I just have no power in this relationship.
Well the question is why is that a big deal. Some people I know I only hear from every once in a while, I don't really drive the contact. Some people I call more, some people it's more 50/50.

You need to figure out why this means so much to you before you approach her, then maybe you can know what you are asking for. Unless you think you can figure it out together. Either way it's not really about the phonecalls, as you said.
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Old 02-14-2014, 04:02 PM
 
255 posts, read 310,034 times
Reputation: 251
Quote:
Originally Posted by MisfitBanana View Post
It's not as simple as her not respecting you or not caring or whatever else. This may just be how she is. I'm not very good with calling people back, either, but if they ever need to talk to me, if they ever need to lean on me - if they ever need me for anything, I'm right there and I have their backs. I'm a good friend, but I'm not a fantastic communicator - it's just who I am, and it has nothing to do with respect or not caring or otherwise. Everyone has their harmless quirks - you either accept that about them, or you move on.

Now, if you know that she's usually very good about calling back, and she's not calling you back, then that may be her non-confrontational way of letting you know that she doesn't feel as close to you as she used to, and that maybe your expectation of being able to talk with her every day is a little much. It's a little cowardly of her, but if you get angry over her not calling you when you expect her to, then maybe she's justified in going a less confrontational route.

I think the REAL issue here, is that you're still harboring feelings for her. You spoke to her for twenty minutes, and then get really upset that she didn't call you back the next day? A lot of best friends won't speak to one another every day, let alone for twenty minutes at a time. I think you probably need to move on, emotionally. You can remain friends with her if that's what you want, but you should probably stop expecting to be so close to her. Again, I have best friends, but I still don't expect to talk to them every day, and I don't ever get mad if they don't call me exactly when they said they would, because I understand that "life" can get in the way. And you can sure bet I don't count on my fingers the exact amount of times they failed to call me exactly when they said they would. You're obsessing too much over this.



You're being needy. I know this, because you're claiming to not have "power" in the relationship. Here's the thing - it's not about power. You're available to her whenever she calls you because you REALLY want to talk to her, and you're clinging to the relationship (friends w/ benefits) that you used to have. She's busy a lot of the time you call her, because she has other things going on - she has other friends, people she may be going on dates with, work stuff, and activities/hobbies. If you want to reclaim some of the imaginary power, then go get a hobby, go on some dates, make some more friends - stop being so available all the time. But it's on you, not on her. She's more busy than you are - that doesn't make her powerful, it just makes her less reliant on you than you are on her.
I think you're right about a lot of what your saying. Especially me still having feelings. Just a few things. I didn't get upset that she didn't call me the next day. I wouldn't have expected to hear from her the next day after talking. It's that she said she would call me and then didn't that annoys me. But like you said, that could just be how she is, because for as long as I've known her she's done that. She'll say that she'll call you right back or that she'll call you later on that night and then doesn't. A couple months ago she did the "call you tomorrow" thing and it was when I really needed to talk to her regarding a trip we are taking this summer to Brazil (there's about 6 of us from the same social circle going). Anyways, she didn't call me back and I confronted her about her poor phone etiquette. I basically told her that I was tired of her saying she would call me tomorrow or call me back and then never doing so. I told her not to do it again. Maybe this poor phone etiquette is just a pet peeve of mine. But she clearly knows this bothers me. It's not the end of the world thing but its an annoyance.

I sound needy here because I'm just posting my inner-thoughts about the situation. Anyone who posts an an advice forum regarding relationships always sounds needy. Regarding the power thing. I think you're right that I make myself too available. She knows she can call me whenever and that I'll put down anything I'm doing and talk to her. A few months ago I left my phone at home when I was at the gym. I got home and I had five missed calls; all from her. And one voice message where she said, "where are you?". When I called her back what was the emergency? There wasn't one. She just wanted to talk to me.

For eight years the longest we have gone without talking to each other is three weeks and that's only because one of us was out of the country.
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Old 02-14-2014, 06:34 PM
 
3,313 posts, read 3,311,493 times
Reputation: 5560
Quote:
Originally Posted by oceangaia View Post
When she hangs up to "get some sleep" that means she has gotten bored with the conversation. Saying call you tomorrow is just an easy way of ending the call without hurting your feelings. She doesn't call the next day because she has nothing new to say. Does she ever call you or are you the one that typically initiates the call?
I have a friendship like this. He literally says, "I don't want to talk to you anymore." LOL. It's a running joke. Some people just say that automatically, "I'll call you tomorrow, or later or whatnot."
I have one friend that says that and I wont hear from her again for years lol.
Reminds me of the Friends episode where Chandler kept saying to thegirl he didn't like, well that was great, call me, we should get together again some time soon. LOL.
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Old 02-14-2014, 06:34 PM
 
Location: McLean, VA
790 posts, read 1,553,051 times
Reputation: 556
I wonder if her remark of "I'll call you later" is just a casual comment. A way to end the conversation, in a neutral tone. Many of my friends say, "I'll call you later" and they don't. I take it to mean something "general." Some time in the future.

It might be time to start "hanging loose" and live and let live. It's not a bad thing, but it's difficult. All the best to you!
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