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So it's okay when my 11 yr old asks her father, "Why aren't I as light as my sister?" It's ok for her to think there is something wrong with her simply because her sister has less melanin? Prior to what my aunt said, such a question would've never entered my daughter's head. She didn't look at herself, her sister or the world through people's skin tones. And how those colors (falsely) defined people. But now she is. And it kills me. You don't think that every time my 11 yr old is around my aunt (the culprit for these thoughts and questions) she won't be thinking about things like this? I don't think you have fully comprehended the damage colorism does.
Colorism exists in the real world. Your daughter will probably experience it. Better that she starts to think about this now and learn the lesson from you and your husband that her color does not define her worth. The longer she has to learn the lesson that her color is not equal to her worth as a person, the more she will internalize it.
And, yes, it is OK for her to ask why she isn't as light as her sister. This is the perfect opportunity to begin having conversations with her about this and to explain that there will be people in the world who will judge her for this, even though it is not right.
Colorism exists in the real world. Your daughter will probably experience it. Better that she starts to think about this now and learn the lesson from you and your husband that her color does not define her worth. The longer she has to learn the lesson that her color is not equal to her worth as a person, the more she will internalize it.
LOL, do you really believe half the stuff you post. The glimmer of truth is yes colorism and racism exist. Why the heck does the daughters need to have crappy treatment from someone that supposedly loves them.
She'll get enough life lessons simply growing up, she doesn't need negative stuff from her family too.
Colorism exists in the real world. Your daughter will probably experience it. Better that she starts to think about this now and learn the lesson from you and your husband that her color does not define her worth. The longer she has to learn the lesson that her color is not equal to her worth as a person, the more she will internalize it.
I do realize that it's inevitable she will face it as she grows. If she doesn't directly face it, then she'll know about it. No doubt. But I don't believe it's better for her to be exposed to it at 11. There are things I was exposed to when I was older and for good reason. It would've been difficult for me to comprehend them at a very young age. And it's one thing for my daughter to be exposed to it due to pop culture or something a stranger says - it's completely different when she's exposed to it by a family member (in such a mean and hostile manner, no less). A person she's supposed to feel safe and happy around.
So it's okay when my 11 yr old asks her father, "Why aren't I as light as my sister?" It's ok for her to think there is something wrong with her simply because her sister has less melanin? Prior to what my aunt said, such a question would've never entered my daughter's head. She didn't look at herself, her sister or the world through people's skin tones. And how those colors (falsely) defined people. But now she is. And it kills me. You don't think that every time my 11 yr old is around my aunt (the culprit for these thoughts and questions) she won't be thinking about things like this? I don't think you have fully comprehended the damage colorism does.
I get it.
You are angry and want to still stay angry. When you cool down ... ask yourself ... how does how I handle this situation affect my daughters? YOU are the one making a big deal out of it. Do you realize that??
If you had simply said to them, you know what? Color doesn't matter. It doesn't matter at all. Anyone who tells you that you are less of a person because of your color is WRONG. I'll talk to auntie because what she said and how she behaved was WRONG and we'll get this all straightened out. Now, what should we have for dinner?
They would have learned that color doesn't matter. But by screaming and ranting and pitting family member against member ... you've taught them that color matters. It matters a lot. It matters enough to lose family over. And in 10 years, when there are STILL family members that you are refusing to talk to whom the daughters have no relationship with because you forbade it, they will realize that they lost something very precious ... family... because color mattered that much to YOU. And you will also have to deal with the members who took your side and 10 years later realize that their support of you cost them relationships. And they will blame YOU for it.
Take a breath and instead of getting angry at what I have written THINK ABOUT IT. This is a teachable moment and you can build up the family or you can break it.
How old is the aunt? Could you be dealing with dementia? What she did does not sound normal. It also doesn't sound normal in not understanding how hurtful it was to the children. It sounds mean but have you known her to be a mean person?
I have a cousin that used to go to see her father at the rest home and leave crying every time because he didn't know her. I never could figure out which was worse, that he didn't know her or that she didn't realize he couldn't help it. Old age sometimes sucks.
You are angry and want to still stay angry. When you cool down ... ask yourself ... how does how I handle this situation affect my daughters? YOU are the one making a big deal out of it. Do you realize that??
If you had simply said to them, you know what? Color doesn't matter. It doesn't matter at all. Anyone who tells you that you are less of a person because of your color is WRONG. I'll talk to auntie because what she said and how she behaved was WRONG and we'll get this all straightened out. Now, what should we have for dinner?
They would have learned that color doesn't matter. But by screaming and ranting and pitting family member against member ... you've taught them that color matters. It matters a lot. It matters enough to lose family over. And in 10 years, when there are STILL family members that you are refusing to talk to whom the daughters have no relationship with because you forbade it, they will realize that they lost something very precious ... family... because color mattered that much to YOU. And you will also have to deal with the members who took your side and 10 years later realize that their support of you cost them relationships. And they will blame YOU for it.
Take a breath and instead of getting angry at what I have written THINK ABOUT IT. This is a teachable moment and you can build up the family or you can break it.
So a family member all but tells my youngest daughter that she's a lesser a person because of her skin tone, but I'm the one with the problem with color because I won't take the risk of her being placed in that situation again? Or to potentially be tormented by such thoughts by being around my aunt and acting as if everything is sunshine and rainbows?
And as for pitting family member against family member - I haven't done that. My parents called, I simply explained to my them why I don't want my children to be around my aunt. They were as hurt as I was and made their own decision. I didn't tell them, "hey, do this or that." They made their own decisions.
As I mentioned before, it would have been different had it been a one off, slip of the tongue thing. We've all made mistakes in a single moment. But it wasn't. Far from it. And that's just something I can't forgive.
How old is the aunt? Could you be dealing with dementia? What she did does not sound normal. It also doesn't sound normal in not understanding how hurtful it was to the children. It sounds mean but have you known her to be a mean person?
I have a cousin that used to go to see her father at the rest home and leave crying every time because he didn't know her. I never could figure out which was worse, that he didn't know her or that she didn't realize he couldn't help it. Old age sometimes sucks.
She's in her late 50s. And no, as I explained in my initial post, she hasn't displayed such behavior.
/Regarding the ripple effects . . . yes you are right. They have already started. But the happiness and wellbeing of my kids is my priority, and if that causes rippling effects in my extended family, so be it.
If the happiness and well-being of your kids is top priority here is an opportunity to role model the strength of resilience. Anger and divisiveness don't do much to create happiness and come from our weakest and most insecure spot. It's not a place you want your kids to focus on.
I know you're hurt and angry and rightly so. Nothing's worse than watching our children take a hard knock. But I hope you don't teach your children that this is the healthiest response they can have to the hurts the world dishes out.
More hurts will be coming as life goes on - not because of skin color - but because the world can be tough. Instead of acting like this is the worst thing that can happen and setting them up for hurt and outrage over and over support them in learning to rise above. It's easier for young people to learn this then us older folks.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Hope you can be part of the solution.
Early onset dementia is always a possibility. If that's what you're dealing with, you'll know soon enough, because your aunt's mental state will continue to deteriorate. However, your aunt has been waging her colorism campaign stealthily, out of earshot of adults who would protect your children, and that doesn't seem like the behavior of a person who is losing her mind. It's calculated and conniving.
Whether you choose to let your children attend family events where your aunt is present is up to you. What matters most is that your children know you won't require them to associate with anyone who makes them feel uncomfortable, and that they should tell you or your husband if anyone does or says anything inappropriate to them. And, of course, your aunt shouldn't be alone with your children, even for a minute, as she has shown herself to be totally untrustworthy.
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