My parents disowned me for falling in love with a black man - I'm pregnant and my mom wants back in (relatives, alcoholic)
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1. Does the selfishness of Barack Obama's parents amaze you, as well?
2. "Look who is coming for dinner" was filmed 50 years ago. The selfishness of baby boomers!
3. What is the difference between a "decent African guy" and a "decent guy"?
1. If their parents were conservatives - yes.
2. It's a liberal movie with agenda.
3. The difference is simple: Her parents hate him. She has no other parents. She is their only child and she caused them enormous suffering. Those are facts. I would not even blink if her parents were liberals who may accept any person.
A leopard doesn't change its spots. Your mother made a choice every. single. day. to reject you because she is racist. SHE made that choice along with your father. She may be truly remorseful about something - but is she remorseful that she was a horrible person who made bad choices or remorseful that her choice may mean she does not get to enjoy grandchildren? My money is on the latter.
I had grandparents on both sides who were unhappy that my parents married because my mom is Jewish and my dad is not, and also because my dad came from a working class background. There was estrangement that stopped when grandchildren were born. I wish that estrangement had continued - that family connection brought a lot of pain to the children because as much as my grandparents and uncles loved my brother and I, there was always a tinge of disappointment, inappropriate comments about our parents or faith, and resentment.
Children don't solve racism. Full stop. My brother's in-laws are racist and anti-semitic. Having a Jewish son-in-law and a mixed race grandchild haven't helped matters, only made *them* feel like they have moved past their implicit biases. Spoiler alert: they haven't.
Similarly, I have had to cut my own parents out of my life for reasons relating to their choices. I tried to reconcile recently and immediately regretted it. A big reason for my decision to cut them out of my lives is that I do not want their toxicity to spread through the generations to impact my children. In fact, seeing how they interacted with my niece and my brother and SIL as new parents was the tipping point for ending our relationship. My brother allows ZERO unsupervised time with my niece and only one or two visits a year.
So, given my baggage, you may want to take what I say with a grain of salt. On the other hand, I am someone who makes that choice every day to remain no-contact with my parents because they are abusive and it is emotionally healthy for me. It is difficult every day, though I am a happier person for it. Your mother made the decision every day to not speak to you not because you did anything wrong or because it was emotionally necessary for your parents to cut you out, but because it was more important for her to live her racism. Think about that.
So if you choose to reconcile, you need to watch her like a hawk. I would also recommend that she go to diversity, equity, and inclusion training so she understands that moving from a racist who is willing to cut her own daughter out of her life to not a racist isn't just a flip of a switch. It is WORK. She needs to be willing to do the work to have any access, supervised or not, to your child.
Your fiance doesn't have parents involved and neither do you.
Do you want your child to have a relationship with your family? If this is important to you then you can make it work.
As the parents of an only daughter who now has a child, we cannot imagine not being involved. This baby means the world to us but our situation is not as complex as yours.
I can attest that our grandchild is the most wonderous adventure of our lives.
Lots of mixed couples here... the last 5 homes sold were all mixed couples in the old neighborhood.
Some places are more open than others... and if this is a worry it might be worth looking into.
I've been in several mixed race weddings... some were some time ago... all the marriages lasted and the kids thrived... several are in college now and doing just fine.
A leopard doesn't change its spots. Your mother made a choice every. single. day. to reject you because she is racist. SHE made that choice along with your father. She may be truly remorseful about something - but is she remorseful that she was a horrible person who made bad choices or remorseful that her choice may mean she does not get to enjoy grandchildren? My money is on the latter.
I had grandparents on both sides who were unhappy that my parents married because my mom is Jewish and my dad is not, and also because my dad came from a working class background. There was estrangement that stopped when grandchildren were born. I wish that estrangement had continued - that family connection brought a lot of pain to the children because as much as my grandparents and uncles loved my brother and I, there was always a tinge of disappointment, inappropriate comments about our parents or faith, and resentment.
Children don't solve racism. Full stop. My brother's in-laws are racist and anti-semitic. Having a Jewish son-in-law and a mixed race grandchild haven't helped matters, only made *them* feel like they have moved past their implicit biases. Spoiler alert: they haven't.
Similarly, I have had to cut my own parents out of my life for reasons relating to their choices. I tried to reconcile recently and immediately regretted it. A big reason for my decision to cut them out of my lives is that I do not want their toxicity to spread through the generations to impact my children. In fact, seeing how they interacted with my niece and my brother and SIL as new parents was the tipping point for ending our relationship. My brother allows ZERO unsupervised time with my niece and only one or two visits a year.
So, given my baggage, you may want to take what I say with a grain of salt. On the other hand, I am someone who makes that choice every day to remain no-contact with my parents because they are abusive and it is emotionally healthy for me. It is difficult every day, though I am a happier person for it. Your mother made the decision every day to not speak to you not because you did anything wrong or because it was emotionally necessary for your parents to cut you out, but because it was more important for her to live her racism. Think about that.
So if you choose to reconcile, you need to watch her like a hawk. I would also recommend that she go to diversity, equity, and inclusion training so she understands that moving from a racist who is willing to cut her own daughter out of her life to not a racist isn't just a flip of a switch. It is WORK. She needs to be willing to do the work to have any access, supervised or not, to your child.
Thank you for such an insightful post. Excellent points.
OP: I hope you have a long and successful marriage and beautiful children. Sorry the grandparents are choosing what they are, but it's too common. So much can change and continue to work on "your" family as that's the MAIN act in your life now. Hopefully your parents will wake up and if they don't, their loss.
Thank goodness I got away from the closed minds that I grew up with over 50 yrs ago.
Too many folks think the world is just a big Disney movie. 'Awwww, but they're your parents.' So what. Racists don't just change overnight because there's a baby around. The baby's father is likely to still be abused and disrespected.
Too many folks concerned with being ' nice' to a person willing to disown their own child. Oh, wait, I forgot--jesus is watching, gotta impress him.
Your fiance doesn't have parents involved and neither do you.
Do you want your child to have a relationship with your family? If this is important to you then you can make it work.
As the parents of an only daughter who now has a child, we cannot imagine not being involved. This baby means the world to us but our situation is not as complex as yours.
I can attest that our grandchild is the most wonderous adventure of our lives.
Might want to think about giving them a chance.
That's all very nice, but what does it have to do with the OP?
She has extended family involved. No grandparents are better than racist, selfish ones who are willing to throw away their daughter because she chose to get involved with a black man.
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