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One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop
and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the
display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".
The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95
and the others only $19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and...one of Ken's Friends."
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop
and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the
display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".
The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95
and the others only $19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and...one of Ken's Friends."
LOL... you forgot to include Ken's alimony and child support payments!
[SIZE=4]A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"[/SIZE][SIZE=2][/SIZE]
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence:
'Get well soon'....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last Week...
[SIZE=6]In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the
buttons on the wall.'
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying g his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of sp ring f lower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff
completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I[/SIZE][SIZE=6][/SIZE][SIZE=6]remember was pushing the ATR button..
'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'
[SIZE=2]this is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
> The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
> loudly every morning when he awoke.
>
> The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water
> and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to
> stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he
> couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to
> see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts
> out.
>
> The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one
> Thanksgiving morning she was preparing the turkey for dinner.
> He was upstairs, like all men are when there is work to be done, sound
> asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards
> and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious
> thought came to her.
>
> She took the bowl, warmed the contents slightly and went upstairs
> where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed
> covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and
> emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
>
> Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
> which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
> footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
>
> The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
> laughing, tears in her eyes!
> After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
> About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
> bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
> She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, 'Honey,
> you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't take
> any notice of you.'
>
> 'What do you mean?' asked his wife. 'Well, you always told me that one
> day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.
> But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think
> I got most of them back in.
[/SIZE]
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost.. I mean, have some standards.[/SIZE][SIZE=2]
[/SIZE][SIZE=4] 10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over[/SIZE]
John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair Reached for the after shave.
Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse,'
The second barber turned to McCain and said, 'How about you?'
McCain replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a Whorehouse smells like.'
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started
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you forgot to include Ken's alimony and child support payments! 
