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A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife: "It's okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
A couple of southern women were sitting on a porch. The first one turned to the second and holding out her left hand said. "Do you see this diamond ring? My husband got this for me when he propsed."
"That's nice," replied the second woman.
A few minutes later the 1st turned to the 2nd and said, "My husband bought this house for me on our 10th anniversary."
"That's nice," replied the second woman.
A few minutes later the 1st woman turned to the second and pointing to a gold plated cadillac said,"You see that cadillac? My husband bought that for me last year."
"That's nice," replied the second woman.
The first woman turned to second and said"Well, what has your husband ever done for you?"
"He sent me to Charm School," the second woman replied.
"Charm School, what on Earth did you learn in Charm School?" asked the first woman.
"I learned to say that's nice instead of F*** you B****."
An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks,'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'
The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!'
'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'
'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'
'No problem,' replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right...But I'll stick with my Moped!'
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly...WHOOOOSSSHHH!Something whips by him going much faster!
'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again ! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do ! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'
'Yes,' the old man whispers,'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror.'
I just heard one the other day, I forgot where, but I think it was just thrown off by a pundit on a news talk show in a light moment. It's the first joke I've heard in years that can be appreciated by a person who is 5 years old or 50. "What is red, and smells like blue paint"?
I sure don't think Cancer or Aids is funny at all ( I have lost loved one due to Cancer ) but I received this joke in an e-mail today and it is something that I would probably say.
I apologize in advance, if it offends anyone.
Okie [SIZE=6]A[/SIZE] woman went to her doctor.
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?
[SIZE=3]'Because I don't want any of those ******* sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs in Order.'[/SIZE]
A Mouse and an elephant are walking in the jungle and the elephant suddenly falls into a ditch -the Elephant looks up at the mouse and says "will you help me?"- the mouse says sure and runs off to get some help. After a couple of hours the mouse returns with a BMW- the elephant hitches himself up, and the mouse pulls the elephant out of the ditch.
Exacly one week later the elephant and mouse are walking down the same path when the mouse suddenly falls into the ditch. The mouse looks up at the elephant and says "Will you help me?" The elephant says sure. The Elephant then drops his Johnson into the ditch and drags the mouse to safety.
The moral of the story is when you have a big Johnson who needs a BMW
The big chess tournament was taking place at the Plaza in New York.
After the first day's competition, many of the winners were sitting around in the foyer of the hotel talking about their matches and bragging about their wonderful play.
After a few drinks they started getting louder and louder until finally, the desk clerk couldn't take any more and kicked them out.
The next morning the Manager called the clerk into his office and told him, "There had been many complaints about his being so rude to the hotel guests....instead of kicking them out, you should have just asked them to be less noisy."
The clerk responded, "I'm sorry, but if there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
The big chess tournament was taking place at the Plaza in New York.
After the first day's competition, many of the winners were sitting around in the foyer of the hotel talking about their matches and bragging about their wonderful play.
After a few drinks they started getting louder and louder until finally, the desk clerk couldn't take any more and kicked them out.
The next morning the Manager called the clerk into his office and told him, "There had been many complaints about his being so rude to the hotel guests....instead of kicking them out, you should have just asked them to be less noisy."
The clerk responded, "I'm sorry, but if there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Thank you! I gotta spread it around first; you know the drill.
You're the only one who liked my corny joke!
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Tiss the season
