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For the record my daughter does have a boyfriend (whom I dislike), but since he is a gentleman to my daughter, and respectful to my wife and I there is nothing I can say negative about him other than I feel he has no real direction. He is 2 years older (one of the reasons I don't like him, and he dosen't seem to know what he wants to do for the rest of his life (no real direction IMO). He was sickly when he was younger (he was born with one kidney). I found that out because when I first met him I asked him what kind of sports he likes and he said track and field, and I replied what about a "Man's" sport like Football, Basketball, or Baseball and he explained he could not play those because of his condition. I busted his chops because that's what Dad's do not because I don't want him to get too friendly or comfortable with me. I know the tactic is unorthodox, but he knows that my daughter does have a father who is involved in her life and does want the best for her.
For the record my daughter does have a boyfriend (whom I dislike), but since he is a gentleman to my daughter, and respectful to my wife and I there is nothing I can say negative about him other than I feel he has no real direction. He is 2 years older (one of the reasons I don't like him, and he dosen't seem to know what he wants to do for the rest of his life (no real direction IMO). He was sickly when he was younger (he was born with one kidney). I found that out because when I first met him I asked him what kind of sports he likes and he said track and field, and I replied what about a "Man's" sport like Football, Basketball, or Baseball and he explained he could not play those because of his condition. I busted his chops because that's what Dad's do not because I don't want him to get too friendly or comfortable with me. I know the tactic is unorthodox, but he knows that my daughter does have a father who is involved in her life and does want the best for her.
A "man's sport"?! Are you kidding me?!
And why are you blaming him for a condition he was born with?!
There is a popular "parenting" technique these days wherein movies and TV shows are used to spark important conversations. I think it's a travesty and would find it terribly annoying to live with a person who employs this tactic, BUT that is just my personal preference. I think it's pathetic and corny. If you have to plop yourselves in front of a screen for family time, I'd have voted for the bird migration documentary over the dramatic Lifetime movie. Again, that's just me. To each his own.
Now on to the real point. You don't love your daughter unconditionally. While that is a shame, you are not abnormal. Many parents don't feel unconditional love for their children, though I find it is more common among fathers than mothers generally. My very serious advice to you OP is to fake it big time. Fake that unconditional love like your daughter's life depends on it. Convince her that you LOVE her and accept her no matter what, even if you know that's a lie. Think of it as vaccinating her. You're protecting her against all kinds of nasty diseases rampant in the daughters of fathers whose love is conditional. You won't ever be caught off guard again because you have a script now: "I love you no matter what, I accept you no matter what." Now memorize your lines and deliver them convincingly. Otherwise get ready for a string of boyfriends you like a lot less than the current one.
There is a popular "parenting" technique these days wherein movies and TV shows are used to spark important conversations. I think it's a travesty and would find it terribly annoying to live with a person who employs this tactic, BUT that is just my personal preference. I think it's pathetic and corny. If you have to plop yourselves in front of a screen for family time, I'd have voted for the bird migration documentary over the dramatic Lifetime movie. Again, that's just me. To each his own.
Now on to the real point. You don't love your daughter unconditionally. While that is a shame, you are not abnormal. Many parents don't feel unconditional love for their children, though I find it is more common among fathers than mothers generally. My very serious advice to you OP is to fake it big time. Fake that unconditional love like your daughter's life depends on it. Convince her that you LOVE her and accept her no matter what, even if you know that's a lie. Think of it as vaccinating her. You're protecting her against all kinds of nasty diseases rampant in the daughters of fathers whose love is conditional. You won't ever be caught off guard again because you have a script now: "I love you no matter what, I accept you no matter what." Now memorize your lines and deliver them convincingly. Otherwise get ready for a string of boyfriends you like a lot less than the current one.
I agree completely with your first paragraph. Its a shame the wife places priority over a movie that glorifies the meltdown and acceptance of our society's morals and values, and then wants to reinforce it with "what if" questions I would certainly talk to her about my unwillingness to parent in this manner, and .bring up some alternative options to starting conversations.Although I would be alarmed at the OP's daughter's response, and be looking to add some activities to reinforce the unconditional love and bond through actions, as opposed to emty answers to some type of fake scenario.
I feel you are really getting jumped for being honest w/ your answer. I'd never subject my husband to a sappy movie like that, so it was nice of you to watch the movie w/ your wife. If your wife knows your views about being gay, she shouldn't have brought up a question about it to you in front of your daughter. Your answer was honest and how you seem to feel about the subject. You didn't say you would quit loving your daughter. Being gay just may be a conviction you have that you don't approve of. It's no different than saying you'd have a hard time with other things you may disapprove of. I think your choice of words caused an uproar in some here. I also think your daughter saying you wouldn't talk to her anymore was slightly exaggerated too. She just knows it's not something you'd be happy with, but I'm sure she knows you would still love her. If you think she has any doubts, I'd just make sure to reassure her that you'll always be there for her.
I see disfunctional written all over the place. If your daughter feels she "wouldn't be your daughter anymore" if she were gay, she sure wouldn't tell you about it if she was. And you don't accept the guy she's seeing because he's not into "manly things" and has no direction. How old is he? 40? Some don't find direction till they are older, look at people changing careers at 40-50...Why be so set in your ways? It's only making everyone's life harder. Ever ask your wife why she asks those what if's? Maybe she feels she has to sit you down to do something you find boring and then can draw your attention to what she really wants to talk about.
I hope you can read these answers to your original message with some objectiveness. Maybe we're not all wrong about things. I see no respect from you to your wife and daughter from that post. Maybe it doesn't reflect on you properly but I'm just basing what I'm saying here on what you posted.
So the real problem isn't your wife's "stupid" questions. The real problem, which your wife if keenly aware of, if that you would have an issue with your child being gay. Your wife took an opportunity to discuss the issue out in the open. I don't see your wife or her question as the problem here.
I guess I'll be dissenting voice. I know people who likes to put others on the spot and its sounds like that's what the OP's wife was doing. Ultimately there are some people who do not deal with hypotheticals and they're exactly the wrong kind people to be asked the "What-if" questions. Its easy to say well, when a woman asks a hypothetical question, don't blow it off-- but why do women get a pass? There's already too much of hearing what they want to hear, and not hear the words used situations. The wife should've known her husband's nature and ended the conversation there. If it was really important, have a discussion in private and encourage the father to speak to his daughter.
The wife's question was highly manipulative, with the pressure being that the daughter is sitting right there. Set-up questions (along with reading too much into the answer) are, for most men, a regular feature of life with the opposite sex. They are mostly harmless and an opportunity to tell a woman something she needs to hear. But sometimes they are devious. This one sounded devious. The wife reacted badly to the OP's refusal to be manipulated.
On the other hand, a thread title of "Wife's stupid [fill-in-the-blank]" indicates a problem with the OP. It's just disrespectful, even in anonymity. How much of this attitude carries over into their marital life?
I know the tactic is unorthodox, but he knows that my daughter does have a father who is involved in her life and does want the best for her.
No, he now knows she has a dad who is a judgmental bully.
Imagine you walk into work tomorrow, and your boss treats you the way you treated this guest in your home.
Last edited by BirdieBelle; 01-29-2013 at 02:24 PM..
Reason: restraint
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