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I am a grandparent raised four children, now with kids of their own. You can say "things are different nowadays or I'm out of touch" but after reading some of these replies I'm taken back by two main points. One being no child, or grandchild of mine, ever DEMANDED something without being told to go to their room and come back when they could discuss the issue appropriately. My other thought is why so many parents feel the child MUST have these clothes, phones, computers, etc. or otherwise will be less popular. In my opinion popularity is short lived and a lesson in earning what you want or need and "you can't have everything you want" is more important in life. When that child goes on to college it won't matter that in 6-7-8th grade they didn't have UGGs nor will those friendships with the so called popular group still exist. My one granddaughter (14) attends a private school (on scholarship, due to limited public school). She is surrounded by those whose parents are quite well off, doctors, lawyers, etc. Her parents are teachers. She knows the value of a dollar, loves to shop on sale, doesn't have a fancy phone, rather just a trac phone for emergencies. She has a IPOD which we gave her as a birthday/Christmas present. She was very happy to buy Bear Claw boots which we on sale and similar to the look of UGGs.
Sadly parents seem to be more interested in continually giving children what they want instead of the attention they need. It's harder to say "no" than it is to say "yes." Just sayin...
Moderator Cut. If the child does not have such items, they WILL become less popular unless they're already amazing at sports or extremely personable.
While each individual event likely has its own popularity dips and dives, if you never get anything that others have, your trendline becomes unpopular and it's hard to shake that.
"You can't have everything you want" isn't actually true and it's particularly unfair to structure the situation to ensure the kid won't get what he wants.
While it is true that small events from middle school won't matter in college, it DOES matter now to your kid and do you want them to suffer? And you can't know for sure if the popular group will break up or not. You're just speculating based on no information.
Last edited by Jaded; 09-12-2013 at 02:52 PM..
Reason: Flaming
May my children learn the lesson that of all the things it is worthwhile to be, popular is not one of them. And yes, one leson that is important to learn is that you CAN'T have everything your want. That is an honest to goodness fact of life. Learning it is actually going to lessen suffering in the long run.
Last edited by Jaded; 09-12-2013 at 04:03 PM..
Reason: Removed deleted quote
If the child does not have such items, they WILL become less popular unless they're already amazing at sports or extremely personable.
While each individual event likely has its own popularity dips and dives, if you never get anything that others have, your trendline becomes unpopular and it's hard to shake that.
"You can't have everything you want" isn't actually true and it's particularly unfair to structure the situation to ensure the kid won't get what he wants.
While it is true that small events from middle school won't matter in college, it DOES matter now to your kid and do you want them to suffer? And you can't know for sure if the popular group will break up or not. You're just speculating based on no information.
Yes, because like it or not, nearly every middle school student is materialistic to a degree. Like I said, you can try and teach them about how Uggs and Apple products are ripoffs, but this means next to nothing to their peers. Materialism is gospel in middle and high school, that's very unlikely to change.
Yes, because like it or not, nearly every middle school student is materialistic to a degree. Like I said, you can try and teach them about how Uggs and Apple products are ripoffs, but this means next to nothing to their peers.
Being resistant to peer pressure is one of THE most important lessons. If one of their peers is going to judge them for the brand of their clothing rather than who they are, then that is a kid well worth avoiding. (See thread about a grown man raising 20 somethings to still cave to pressure.)
There are plenty of other parents like those commenting here whose kids suffer the likewise misery of having to grow up to be decent people. Other parents who recognize that their job is not to please and mollify their weakest motivations but to raise them up in preparation for the world. My kids tend to hang out with those people's kids. In the long run, they are happier for it knowing that their friends are their friends, not waiting for the other fickle shoe to drop from the kids whose worth is measured in such tenuous terms.
Being resistant to peer pressure is one of THE most important lessons. If one of their peers is going to judge them for the brand of their clothing rather than who they are, then that is a kid well worth avoiding. (See thread about a grown man raising 20 somethings to still cave to pressure.)
There are plenty of other parents like those commenting here whose kids suffer the likewise misery of having to grow up to be decent people. Other parents who recognize that their job is not to please and mollify their weakest motivations but to raise them up in preparation for the world. My kids tend to hang out with those people's kids. In the long run, they are happier for it knowing that their friends are their friends, not waiting for the other fickle shoe to drop from the kids whose worth is measured in such tenuous terms.
Please show me one middle schooler who isn't even slightly materialistic. Must not be sheltered and /or helicopter-parented.
Also, peer pressure doesn't always come from peers themselves. Just seeing the friend having something that your child likes can be a strong motivator for them to desire it.
Since I know everyone is think that my parents pay for everything, they don't. They only pay my college tuition, I pay all other expenses. iPhones and Abercrombie clothes are still worth the hard work, even if I make an average college-age income. So I don't know where this thought of that once you have to pay for everything, your desires drop dead. Not for me at least.
It's difficult not to fall in line with the herd mentality...It certainly starts in kindergarten, and then extends to middle school...then into high school (where it's at its worst, arguably), and then inevitably into adulthood.
Kids pressure each other, and then the kids who don't have xy then feel pressured and pass that pressure/expectation on to their parents.
Be the parent and draw the line. Does your child REALLY need those ugs or the iphone? IF you do end up buying him/her those things, where exactly will the line be drawn?
At the very end of the day, you're still the parent and you should never let your child dictate /demand anything of you that isn't a basic necessity. Just my 2 cents..
I take a different viewpoint. All of my life, my family and I have been poor (and I do mean poor). But with lots of hard work and a wise career choice, this has changed. Within the next few years I will be extremely wealthy (and I do say this humbly) and will have children. If my child is asking for these things, I will NOT buy them...Will I be able to afford them? Of course! But as the parent/adult, my personal priorities, financial-wise, arent going to be spent on getting my middle school child an overpriced telephone that he/she will be using for texting, games, and instant messaging, and not necessarily for calling me or my husband. This is true of any vain item that his/her peers pressure him/her to believe is important or necessary...lt's bologna.
In the end, the line should be drawn in terms of the parent's priorities, not the child's.
Last edited by Jaded; 09-12-2013 at 04:11 PM..
Reason: Removed deleted post
My daughter came home today and demanded that we start buying her name brands, claiming that "EVERYONE (emphasis added) has Uggs, iphones, etc." Is this just typical middle school behavior?
OP, I do hope that you find a solution to your daughter's demands. It's difficult not to cave into her demands/pressures b/c i know you want to make her happy. But do what's best for her, in the end, irrespective of whether or not you can afford the shoes/phone.
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