The post I never wanted to make but knew I would (14 years old, grandpa)
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It sounds like the daughter has decided to keep the baby so I think it's highly unlikely that anything the op could say about that would change their minds. The daughter and boyfriend have both stepped up their employment which means that they will be able to afford the basics. While not ideal, I know people who got pregnant at 19, unexpectedly and who were able to provide loving, stable and financially secure homes for their children. They turned out to be very good parents. Parenthood has a way of making people grow up quickly. Let's hope that is the case for the op's daughter. I take their effort to work more hours as a positive first sign.
I never could understand the "We picked you out" approach to adoption
On the contrary we have a fun game we play in our house.
I'll grab a kid-either bio or adopted and say
"OH Goodie...look what I got in the grab bag of life!"
They know very well the fact they are with us was pure chance and we marvel at how wonderfully it has turned out.
When my now grown daughter used to grouse and complain when I asked her to help me weed the garden I would answer with "Well you could be milking cows in 30 degrees below zero Wisconsin at 4 in the morning so just get on with it."
So now we use that as a standard comeback to anybody in our family who is complaining.
I'm glad it made you feel special, but even mistakes and oops's are wanted, or their mother would have had an abortion or put them up for adoption. Really, since you were adopted, you were a mistake and an oops too. Your bio mother chose not to keep you. Mistakes and oops who are kept are usually kept by mothers who wanted to keep them. So, it's really misconstrued for you to assume that someone who was a mistake or an oops wasn't ultimately wanted. If anything, they were wanted more because their mothers kept them. Just some food for thought because it's fine to feel the way you do about your own personal situation, but it's best to not disparage the situation of others without thinking it through entirely.
What a black hole of negativity.
It's a good thing that (1) I'm used to seeing your oft-antagonistic posts and (2) that I have a great self-esteem, or my feelings my actually have been hurt by that.
My bio mother loved me more than anything, or she wouldn't have given me up to get the best possible upbringing she could offer, which was with someone who could afford her child and take care of it.
And you still express no concern about your grandchild being raised by a parent who lacks empathy and an abusive parent...
Well, to be fair... The guy hasn't proven himself to be an abusive parent. It might be possible that he'll turn out to be one of those parents who shouldn't attend the kids games, might be possible that other parents have to watch their step. Who knows? We don't even know the circumstances that led to those fights.
My husband had also got into a lot of bad flights as well, but he's the gentlest father I've come across.
I'm glad it made you feel special, but even mistakes and oops's are wanted, or their mother would have had an abortion or put them up for adoption. Really, since you were adopted, you were a mistake and an oops too. Your bio mother chose not to keep you. Mistakes and oops who are kept are usually kept by mothers who wanted to keep them. So, it's really misconstrued for you to assume that someone who was a mistake or an oops wasn't ultimately wanted. If anything, they were wanted more because their mothers kept them. Just some food for thought because it's fine to feel the way you do about your own personal situation, but it's best to not disparage the situation of others without thinking it through entirely.
I really take exception to several things in this post Hopes.
First I can't believe you called her a mistake and an opps. And that her bio mother "chose not to keep you" . Why can't you look at it in the positive light that her bio Mom decided it was best for her child (the poster) that she be placed for adoption.
And who says the biomother didn't want a child she places for adoption? Many bio Moms are heartbroken to place a child for adoption. You make it sound like they cheerfully said "Oh here is this mistake. I don't want it . You can have it. Now pass the butter." They are wise and loving enough and want what is best for their kids to the point they make the ultimate sacrifice for the best outcome for the child. What greater love and heartbreak can there be?
I would go so far to say that many women who have abortions deeply wanted to be mothers and deeply wanted that child but because of circumstances very personal decided it was best to terminate. i do not say that being born and alive is better than never having been born at all. I have seen unspeakable poverty and disease and pain and suffering of children all over the world that makes me say this. To watch a starving child rummaging through trash cans for something to eat will certainly put life into perspective. Watching a sick child all alone with no family in a 3rd world hospital gets you to thinking about this in a whole new way. And a child born to a mentally ill teenage mother and a violent young father does not bode well for the best outcome for this child. Much mental illness is genetic.
Many years ago I had a "friend" who was going through infertility issues at the same time DH and I decided to adopt our 2nd child. When I told her we were adopting and showed her the picture of our baby waiting for us in Korea, she said "OH I would never want somebody else's mistake". I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I stared at her with pure anger and disappointment. Then I took the picture back and got up and walked away. I never spoke to her again and went out of my way to avoid her. That statement told me all I needed to know about her.
I really take exception to several things in this post Hopes.
First I can't believe you called her a mistake and an opps. And that her bio mother "chose not to keep you" . Why can't you look at it in the positive light that her bio Mom decided it was best for her child (the poster) that she be placed for adoption.
And who says the biomother didn't want a child she places for adoption? Many bio Moms are heartbroken to place a child for adoption. You make it sound like they cheerfully said "Oh here is this mistake. I don't want it . You can have it. Now pass the butter." They are wise and loving enough and want what is best for their kids to the point they make the ultimate sacrifice for the best outcome for the child. What greater love and heartbreak can there be?
I would go so far to say that many women who have abortions deeply wanted to be mothers and deeply wanted that child but because of circumstances very personal decided it was best to terminate. i do not say that being born and alive is better than never having been born at all. I have seen unspeakable poverty and disease and pain and suffering of children all over the world that makes me say this. To watch a starving child rummaging through trash cans for something to eat will certainly put life into perspective. Watching a sick child all alone with no family in a 3rd world hospital gets you to thinking about this in a whole new way. And a child born to a mentally ill teenage mother and a violent young father does not bode well for the best outcome for this child. Much mental illness is genetic.
Many years ago I had a "friend" who was going through infertility issues at the same time DH and I decided to adopt our 2nd child. When I told her we were adopting and showed her the picture of our baby waiting for us in Korea, she said "OH I would never want somebody else's mistake". I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I stared at her with pure anger and disappointment. Then I took the picture back and got up and walked away. I never spoke to her again and went out of my way to avoid her. That statement told me all I needed to know about her.
Unfortunately, I have to spread some rep around but this post deserves repping.
I grew up hearing my parents saying, "We picked you out special because we wanted you," so in my eyes, my parents were walking along an aisle at the Pic N Save and said, "I want...THAT ONE!" I was wanted. I was special.
Then imagine hearing your friends say, "I was a mistake, an oops, I wasn't wanted, but here I am."
There's no oops or mistake here. You just took an alternate route to get to the parents you belonged with. The important part is you ended up where you belonged and it sounds like you lucked out in the parent department.
That's the way I feel about this baby. Like it belongs with another set of parents. I have a hard time thinking of it as dd's baby. I keep thinking of the family it belongs with. Dd is not ready and it is the baby who will pay for that if she chooses to keep it. I can only pray that she comes to her senses and realizes that it is in this child's best interest to give it to the parents who are waiting for it. I don't expect that is an easy thing to do. It takes courage and selflessness to give your child to the family it belongs with if it doesn't belong with you. I think you are very lucky to have had two mothers who love you. One who loved you enough to give you life and give you away because she knew it was best for you even though doing so broke her heart and one who picked you out as the child she wanted raise out of all the kids available.
Ivory, my heart goes out to you. Every woman with daughters could have found herself in your shoes. I have found that in general there is a time when we parents must stop thinking of our children as extensions of us.
When they are small, they are both literally and figuratively attached to us. We know their thoughts and keep track of all their actions. Once they break away, which they should, it is hard to cut the cord. My youngest is 31 and I still find myself wanting to step in and fix something for him sometimes.
Your daughter is 19, not 14. She is an adult, and she is willing and eager to break away from you. This is healthy. We all need to learn by our mistakes. Try to think about 5 years from now, instead of 5 months from now. Your daughter will either rise to it, or she won't, but it will be up to her to figure things out.
As Oprah said, "If you could have done better, your would have done better." If you were a good mother who poured as much wisdom into those 19 years as you could, then quit beating yourself up about it. Work on trying to emotionally distance yourself, as much as possible.
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